Sleep training- hysterical crying

[Pops27]

Hi all,
Our son is nearly 10 months old and not the best sleeper in the world but certainly not the worst!

The main issue we are facing is having to cuddle/rock him to sleep at bedtime and naps. Although I don’t really see this as an issue I am so anxious for returning to work in 2 months and nursery and Grandparents not doing this and him never napping (resulting in an exhausted baby).

We have been trying the stay and settle approach and trying to soothe him in cot but he just gets so so upset- hysterical, sweating, coughing. I absolutely hate it and have had to pick him up after 5 minutes.

Has anyone had any success when their baby is so upset?

We used to be able to put him in his cot and rub his back and sing but this changed around 7/8 months :-(

TIA

We’re working with a sleep consultant to sleep train our 8 month old, and he told us 8-10 months is the worst time for sleep so it makes sense why your LO has been struggling. DD took about 45 minutes on the first two nights but wouldn’t say hysterical with the crying, it was on and off. And it was really hard, but night 3 no crying at all. What got me through it was that it was going to mean actually less crying around bedtime over the next few weeks and we were getting it out of the way in short bursts.

We've found the thing that makes the biggest difference is day time naps, if she’s not overtired the settling herself was much easier. We work to much shorter wake windows than you generally see online at the suggestion of the sleep consultant. He said it’s particularly important in babies who don’t sleep well at night, because they’re not getting good sleep they’re tired in the day so need more sleep in the day to catch up to avoid overtiredness at bedtime. So we gained naps in the sleep training process, and are now dropping them again as her overnight sleep is better and she doesn’t need them

Nursery and grandparents will find their own way - my son never sleeps with me without a boob (he's over two now!) but he sleeps on his childminder's floor bed happily and grandad's bed with no tears and always has done! He started his childminder at 10 months and just used to sleep with the other babies really happily.

(I still can't make him do it with me mind you)

Just saying it's probably not worth making your last two months off with your son miserable, worrying about a future that probably won't happen.

I 100% agree with @ShoesEverywhere. It's a long time ago for me now but my DD wouldn't ever settle for me either without breast or for my DH without a lot of cuddles/rocking. I worried too but first day of nursery she was spark out & every day after - nursery's have magic sleep dust, honestly trust them they know what they are doing. As for grandparents, they can have contact naps, they will probably love some cuddle time with LO, naps in pushchair when walking, naps in car etc. I would stop and just relax, stop causing yourself and your child such stress and just roll with it, it will be fine, when you move into your new normal everyone will adapt.

Honestly, nursery are actual miracle workers - our little one was exclusively a contact napper and now sleeps for naps solo in a stationary buggy including at home. No idea how they did it, but I know they do not support any crying based methods. They said the first few times they sat beside the pram and stroked her face and held her hand.

With grandparents - they should follow your lead. You may need to make sure they are around for lots of nap initiation to get practice .Our two sets of grandparents either do the pram stationary nap, cuddle on the sofa nap, or walk with pram nap (they do childcare one day a week)

Why are you allowing your baby to be so distressed for a potential problem that may never happen?

It doesn’t feel right because it isn’t right. Leaving a baby to scream distress for 5 mins is neglect.

We were exactly the same - worse actually, because at 10 months she would still only contact nap, definitely not in her pram. Started nursery at 12 months and they got her napping from day 1 (although it can take a while to settle). She is now 16 months and will go down for naps almost totally independently, and for bed with about 30 minutes of faffing around and wanting milk/cuddles but ultimately she is pointing to her cot and wanting to go to sleep independently.

We tried sleep training for a grand total of two nights before I decided she was getting too stressed and upset. It’s been a long (long!) process but we’ve followed DD’s lead and it seems to be working for us. It’s also quite nice to have a snuggly baby cuddle into you and doze off in your arms at the end of a long, crappy work day!

@TisTheSummerSeason thank you for your input but I think that is really harsh to say I am neglecting my baby. We were trying something to see if it would help him learn to self soothe as he did it no problem a couple of months ago, putting him in his cot drowsy and then literally staying by his side and rubbing his back. I think to say I am neglectful is very cruel. We have done it a grand total of twice.
I was just asking for advice if anyone had been through similar and did it get better- I’m not going to carry on doing something if my baby is in distress but if I never try how will I ever make changes and help him sleep better. Thank you shaming a first time Mum who is just learning and trying to do the best I can.

Thank you to everyone else for your kind and reassuring words. I feel much better that I’m sure things will fall into place without putting pressure on myself to change it.

Your baby is 10 months old. Night wakes are natural and normal until well into the toddler years.

You say you were “just trying something”, but what you were “trying” is how to neglect your son

You might not like to hear it but that’s exactly what you did. Your baby was crying in distress and you ignored them for five minutes (a very long time for a baby) to teach them mummy won’t come help you when you need it.

How is that not neglectful? Why would you want your child to think they can’t rely on you?

Independence doesn’t come from being forced into it. That’s how insecurities form. Independence comes from knowing you are safe, well loved and your parents will always be there for you - shock horror, even at nighttime.

You don’t stop being a parent just because it’s night.

@TisTheSummerSeason the tone of your message is incredibly rude and ignorant. The op had clearly identified that their child has become reliant on rocking and she wants to replace that with reassurance of her presence and not physical rocking. That is not neglectful. She is not forcing independence she is trying to develop an association that supports both her and her child. Her presence is offering comfort and baby does sometimes need a bit more time to develop that association.
a baby crying in the presence of someone who loves them and tries to reassure them is the complete opposite of neglectful.

even more so the op has posted showing they are trying to suss out if this approach is appropriate

your comment was rude and condescending. You cannot throw comments like neglectful around.

parents are also entitled to rest and sleep- it makes them better parents and they are absolutely within their rights to try and help children develop positive sleep associations.

if you have nothing constructive to say- back off.

5 minutes crying of a baby being settled with their parent next to them, in a cosy bed with a full tummy and a happy life is absolutely not neglect. That's ridiculous.

@Pops27 you’re absolutely not neglecting your baby! I’m sure you’re not leaving them to cry in genuine distress, you’re providing support and with them. And babies cry, it’s their only way to communicate and sometimes we have to as parents do things they don’t like