Cries to sleep with grandparents, cuddles with us

[MrsTeepee]

Hi all,

I'm at a bit of a loss what to do with our 2 year old. She's never been a brilliant sleeper, and always needs to be cuddled to sleep before being put in her cot.

We're working on not picking her up for wake ups at night (I'm pregnant and can no longer lift her, also having a c section soon) so DH does bedtime and I do night wakes. She's happy to go back to sleep in the cot just holding my hand now. DH is still working out how to reduce the cuddles (although I think he actually enjoys it!). Feels like we're going in the right direction and hopefully my hand can get swapped out for DHs before long.

At nursery she curls up and goes to sleep on her designated mattress with her blanket, has always slept well there with v.little support needed once she'd settled in.

My mum cuddles her to sleep, as did our recent babysitter. Babysitter said there were a few tears, but she eventually settled down with a book and dropped off. We had another baby sitter previously who also cuddled her to sleep with no issues. Both babysitters are people from her nursery that we trust to tell us the truth.

The main problem is that grandparents simply cannot do anything other than let her cry herself to sleep. They had DD when she was about 6mo in preparation for me going back to work and tbh it was horrendous. She barely ate or slept with them and I'd therefore be up all night feeding her every 45-60 minutes as she was too tired to even eat or feed properly. We stopped them doing childcare as soon as we could after trying so many things to help them. They now see DD for 3-4 hours at a time, after her nap, but they want to see her more, and we would love that too (for her benefit and ours). A recent attempt at bedtime resulted in DD hyperventilating she was so upset, and a recent nap time that was in theory a success basically meant she cried herself to sleep. We've previously suggested car naps so they can have her in the day, but they have made excuses about not wanting to be stuck in the car and prefer to let her scream herself to sleep. They also don't have a cot at theirs, although did recently buy a travel cot for SILs child so could now use that.

We persevered when she was younger thinking it'd get better, but it didn't. Grandparents kept insisting that it's just normal for her to cry herself to sleep, despite us saying it's not her normal. I just don't know whether to just give up earlier this time and stick to short durations with Grandparents, or if this time it will be different because she's older.

I also just wish I could work out what's going on. Part of me thinks she's traumatized from them trying to get her to sleep when she was a baby, but that seems a bit dramatic?!

Any tips?

I'm writing this while "trapped" on the bed by my sleeping 19 months old grandson.
When he's with me, I do anything I can to keep him happy and content, and certainly going to bed or at nap time, I do whatever is happiest for him.
I see my role as being there to follow rules if his parents ask, but otherwise I'll do whatever is necessary to let him feel safe and loved with me.

So I can't understand grandparents being happy to let the child cry themselves to sleep, especially as they might be missing their parents.

If I were you I wouldn't allow anyone doing that to mind my child.

Seriously, wouldnt let anyone, least of all their grandparents, leave my baby to scream themselves to sleep. Thats awful.

Your poor dc. They care not a jot about her do they? And you reckon dd needs a relationship with them??

Also, with a new baby on the horizon, its likely her sleep may be disrupted further with the transition, which would make subjecting her to her grandparents approach to naps and bedtime even more distressing.

Grandparents are being inflexible. How long are her naps ? They could travel further afield than usual and take advantage of a car nap to explore somewhere new.
Contact with grandparents should be benefitting dd as much as the adults but the grandparents are prioritising their enjoyment over DD’s welfare which is selfish and cruel. Once dd stops naps then they can have her longer but until them, prioritise your child.

No. Don’t allow this. It’s not helpful for your child and it’s traumatising her to the point she will refuse to go to them as she thinks they will leave her to scream. I accept some of the benefit of controlled crying, but not just leaving a child to scream till they pass out effectively.

Hmm ... She's not 6 or 9 months old though, at 2 years of age she should be getting her out of the infant type sleep habits.
Perhaps that - crying for them - is just a stage she needs to go through.

It's not clear if they do try to cuddle her to sleep but it doesn't work? Do they literally just put her down and let her CIO or she just doesn't settle for them they way she does for you despite trying? Perhaps it's because she's used to the cot and as you've said they didn't have one until now so it just felt like a strange environment for her? I wouldn't be happy with them letting her CIO though.

I wouldn't have them look after her. I don't really see why they have to have her for more than 3-4 hours. That's a lot for grandparents anyway. I would wait until she's older and more independent. But as a separate issue I'd probably want to try to encourage more self settling. It'll be really difficult when you have a new born if you have long process with the toddler. Plus it's much better for them to be able to go to sleep themselves (easier said than done I know) but I'd be trying to change the has to be cuddled habit.

Thanks all, the thing is they do try to cuddle her, but she just screams and screams at them!

Others manage to calm her down, but they can't seem to get her to stop crying. I don't think there was any intentional CIO when she was little. DD would be sleeping next to them on their sofa or she'd take DD in the pram and just let her scream in the pram. I guess DD wouldn't know MIL was there as she couldn't see her (she was forward facing).

They have great fun together now, and play so well together, but it still breaks my heart thinking thinking about what happened before. It's taken a long time to forgive them and get a good relationship in place tbh.

don't really see why they have to have her for more than 3-4 hours. That's a lot for grandparents anyway. I would wait until she's older and more independent

Agree. For whatever reason they are not able or willing to go through all the fuss required to get your daughter to fall asleep peacefully, so I'd shorten the time they look after her so naps weren't required.

They can't tend to her needs.. End of longer visits. Simple surely? Their wants don't outweigh dd's needs.

Why exactly is she with them long enough to have to scream herself to sleep? Just don't do it.

They're useless at looking after her and she clearly doesn't like them. There's no need to leave her with them for more than short visits, so don't.

Despite you saying that you don't think they intentionally tried CIO with your daughter, you also admit that they think it's normal for babies to cry themselves to sleep... Sadly I wouldn't trust them. They clearly do not have the right attitude about it and your daughter does not enjoy sleeping with them either. Protect your daughter's happiness and just stick to day visits.

the thing is they do try to cuddle her, but she just screams and screams at them!

It's taken a long time to forgive them and get a good relationship in place tbh.

So they did try to cuddle/soothe her but weren't successful? What did you expect them to do at that point? Sorry, but that's on you. Some babies are just "easier" (for lack of a better word) to babysit than others. Sounds like they were overwhelmed and shouldn't have been watching the child for such long periods of time.

Sounds like they were overwhelmed and shouldn't have been watching the child for such long periods of time.

100% this, they just wouldn't admit it. It nearly destroyed our relationship (with them and between DH and I).

The problem is DH wants them to have her more and get us more support, but I just can't get it out of my head that she doesn't feel safe enough to sleep with them. When DC2 arrives DH is worried we're going to really struggle, but we have a babysitter and also my mum (who lives far away, but us staying with us after the birth) so I personally think we'll manage.

Agree with those saying we need to get her stop relying on the cuddles to get to sleep, hopefully what we're doing with holding her hand when she wakes will get us on the right track and in time before I have to juggle her and a newborn needing sleep support at the same time. She's incredibly sensitive, so that in itself is a big win even if it's only when she wakes at night.

They certainly don't sound uncaring or neglectful, but clearly they overestimated their ability to care for a baby/young child. Time has a way of making you forgot just how much hard work is involved!

The bottom line is that they shouldn't be expected to provide childcare. It's not good for them and it's not good for your daughter. Your husband is just going to have to understand that.

My mother was an older grandmother and, as much as she denied it, I knew my active baby was way too much for her. So instead of having her babysit, I'd have her come over while I was home so she could play/cuddle etc. while I took care of chores or exercised...whatever. That way I could pop in and out to make sure she wasn't getting overwhelmed. They got to spend time together and I got to get things done - everybody benefited!

Maybe consider something similar?

You sound like a great Grandmother 💚

I don't understand why you find it hard to "forgive" them, and it nearly "destroyed your relationship" with them? You've said they did try to cuddle her to sleep, and there was no cry it out, she just wouldn't settle, so what is there to forgive?

At two I would be expecting her to drop daytime naps soon anyway, so it shouldn't be an issue much longer.

I don't understand why you find it hard to "forgive" them, and it nearly "destroyed your relationship" with them?

There's more I won't go into, but it was an incredibly hard time for both them and us. Everyone told me it'd get better, it didn't.

To the poster who said time makes you forget, sadly I think that's exactly what happened and MIL still cannot see it, which makes it really hard to have a sensible discussion.

I agree they shouldn't be providing any childcare. We never actually asked them to have her when I went back to work, they insisted and we actually lost out on an already booked nursery day because of it. DH keeps coming up with excuses for them and wants to keep trying. He wants them so badly to be able to do more to help us, but also because his parents want to have her. It's hard being the only one who thinks that we should give up with it, so thank you everyone for the reinforcement.

They have been honest about their approach to sleep. You don't like it, I wouldn't either. It makes no sense to keep hoping they'll change. I think you're right to just go for short visits.

You say you have a babysitter and your own mother to help when the new baby arrives.Does your 2 year old settle for them then?

My granddaughter stays overnight regularly and she has never been a great self settler so I always stayed in the nursery on a spare bed whilst she went to sleep in cot . Now she just sleeps in bed with me aged 4 . Never had to with my children because they were happy to go to sleep on their own.
All children are different and I have just gone with the flow.
Its a shame for all of you ,but I wouldn’t blame the ILs because it is a lot more stressful and tiring when a few decades older .

I wouldn't leave my child anywhere she would get that hysterical. She's not happy with them. Probably because of something they did previously (CIO whether deliberately or accidentally). Who cares why though. It's not working for your daughter so unless it's an absolute emergency I would stop the long visits.