Breastfed 20 month old never slept through - I’m going mad

[Snowdrop80]

My 20 month old has never slept through the night. Is still breastfed. Doesn’t have much milk in the day but won’t go back to sleep for night wakings unless breastfed. DH has tried to settle him and he screams and screams until he has milk. Can wake anywhere from 2-6 times a night. It’s absolutely shit but that isn’t even my main problem at the minute. My issue is bedtime. He used to be in his own room and I’d feed him in his room for every wake but it got to a point where I was exhausted from doing this and he also used to cry until he was brought into our bed. So now he sleeps in his cot bed side carred to our bed in our room and his mattress is level with ours. Not ideal but it’s made the night wakings easier for the past few months. Bedtime however is awful. Even though he’s clearly exhausted he just keeps bouncing around our bed. Tonight it’s taken me 1.5 hours to get him to sleep. If I leave the room he screams and gets off the bed and comes running out the door. There’s no side on his cot anymore so he isn’t contained. And he just bounces around our bed and won’t even lie down. At one point I lay him down and his eyes were closed for a good 30 seconds and he was deep breathing and next thing he stood back up with his eyes still closed. Hes knackered but wont relax and stay lay down for more than a couple of mins to allow himself to doze off. He wont be fed to sleep anymore for bedtime and wont be rocked or cuddled. I just have to keep repeatedly lying him down and patting him until he eventually gives up. I am so fed up of not having an evening and then I’ve got an autistic 5 year old to get to bed too who also doesn’t sleep well. Sleep training not really an option because he has a heart condition that requires surgery next year, we raised the possibility of sleep training with his cardiologist who didn’t think it was a good idea so I’ve never tried it and I feel stuck. Help. What do I do?

loose schedule:
7am wake.
12:00-1:30 nap.
6:45 - get ready for bed.
7:30 - bed, but most of the time it’s gone 8pm before he’s asleep. Tonight it was 9pm. If I try and push bedtime back it just takes the same amount of time anyway.

Strangely, for his nap he lies in his cot without me in the room and after 5 mins goes to sleep on his own! But bedtime is like a different baby.

I’ve recently given up on naps with my 19 month old. She also was torture to get to bed at night, taking between 1-2 hours sometimes more. If she falls asleep in the car I don’t wake her up as it’s usually only for 30 minutes maximum. She’s now ready for bed by half 6 and sleeping by 7pm. She will also sleep 12-13 hours whereas before she always woke super early, no more rocking her to sleep either she gets 10 minutes of cuddles and a song until she’s visibly drowsy then put to bed and left in her room. At most she will shout on us (not crying) for 20 minutes before she falls asleep. I think it depends on the child, and obviously if she’s visibly tired by lunch time I’ll give her the opportunity to nap - I’m not forcing her to stay awake. But I’ve given up trying to force her to sleep too. If that doesn’t sound appealing to you then I’d suggest shortening the nap by half an hour or more? Good luck. It is so hard but remember- “this too shall pass”

Google ‘jay Gordon nighttime weaning in the family bed’

saved my sanity.

@EA1 I’ve definitely considered this. With DC1 I used to love his naps and having a bit of time to myself but with DC2 (who this post is about) I can’t wait for him to stop napping because I feel it’s one of the reasons he takes so long to go to bed and wakes overnight. He still very much needs a decent nap though, he falls asleep if we go out anywhere in the car past 11am because he is so tired. I think I’m definitely going to gradually reduce it though!

@AgathaMystery I’ve just looked this up. Thanks so much. It’s going to be a hard few nights but I think I’m going to give it a go! I think it’s the first time I’ve come across proper advice/methods that include co sleeping and room sharing with parents! Any advice I’ve received in the past is to put them in their own room and sleep train which just doesn’t work for us. Can I ask if this worked for you and how long did it take? was it you that responded overnight or was it your partner?

Godspeed my friend. It saved my SANITY.

So yes, it worked for me and it’s a method I use with my clients. For me, it took 3 nights. I did NOT do it in our bed as my baby was an absolute boob monster and I simply knew it wouldn’t work. I did all the responding because I knew I could do it. I also sort of knew my husband wouldn’t be as effective at it.

it wasn’t horrible or traumatising and I just picked the 6hrs that I HAD to have solid sleep (2300-0500) & then I just moved the hours further and further apart until we got a solid 10hrs. My baby was 9mth old and I did it as I was going back to 12-13hr shifts and needed sleep.

I used the jay Gordon method with all 3 if our bf DC and it felt ok.

What your DC is doing was a phase that all 3 of mine had- I appreciate that doesn't make it easier in the moment but I'm sure it will pass.

Good luck

I give up after three weeks of trying. I was able to keep him from eating for the designated hours, but I was never able to put him to sleep because he would just slope scream.

My daughter is 3, no longer breastfed and still wakes up. She doesn't bother me if I sleep with her but I would rather she slept in her own bed.

Anyway my point is it is NORMAL I promise

The fact it was normal made me feel better even though it didn't change anything

When you say your DH has tried to settle instead how long have you let it go before giving in? In my experience the first time we sent DH in with water it was 2 hours of crying (DH stayed with them and comforted them) however it was only 2 hours once. The next night it was 15 mins, the one after that about 5 mins and then both of mine slept 12 hours straight through from night 4 onwards.

I also lay in bed with my eyes closed and DH brought them in and said - no milk mummy is asleep shhh, which really helped calm them - remember they don’t realise you’re waking to give them milk, to a toddler you’re just there at the right time! It was like they were like ‘ohhh I didn’t realise it wasn’t available fine the sip of water from the beaker will have to do!’

I didn't night wean until DD was 2y3m but she still woke, honestly, I wouldn't nightwean but they still wake up. At least DD never had split nights (where they're up for 1-2 hours in the middle of the night) I think because I breastfed her back to sleep

Sorry I’m late to the party!! But I’m so glad I came across this post.
Currently struggling with a million night wakings/breastfeeds with my 13 month old and looking for a solution for a few more hours sleep a night. I’ve just read the whole of the Jay Gordon method and I cried a few times even reading it! It actually looks feasible compared to all the other harsh “sleep training” advice,

So just wanted to say thank you! I will definitely be trying this!

Sorry I’m late to the party!! But I’m so glad I came across this post.
Currently struggling with a million night wakings/breastfeeds with my 13 month old and looking for a solution for a few more hours sleep a night. I’ve just read the whole of the Jay Gordon method and I cried a few times even reading it! It actually looks feasible compared to all the other harsh “sleep training” advice,
So just wanted to say thank you! I will definitely be trying this!

My youngest is now 17, but I used the Jay Gordon technique with her and it worked.