Please help me make bedtimes less stressful.

[MotherOfDragon20]

I have a 3.5 year old DD and since birth she has been cuddles/ held/ lay with to sleep. This is now becoming unbearable. She’s goes to bed every night at half 7/8pm and it’s taking up to an hour lying with her before she falls over. She’s definitely tired she lies there with her eyes closing over doing everything she can to stay awake, picking her nose, rolling about, banging and kicking the wall, kicking me (not purposely) won’t stop bloody talking and I can’t bare it anymore. She gets so upset when we leave and I can’t bare to listen to her crying shouting on me but I really think she needs to learn to go to sleep by herself. I also have a 13 month old and I’m exhausted and touched out and by 9pm I’m ashamed to say I usually end up snapping at her and telling her sternly to just go to sleep! I feel so guilty that I end every day annoyed with her. I’ve always taken the approach everything’s a phase and it won’t last forever but this is driving me insane.

otherwise she’s an amazing clever little girl who sleeps 12 hours a night and is meeting and exceeding all milestones. She just won’t go to bloody sleep!! No nap since she was 2, dummy’s been gone for almost a year.

Will she have quiet play time alone for 30 mins before she goes to sleep? Or can she go up to bed 30 mins later?

DS pretty much always takes an hour to fall asleep, I've not been able to change that bit.

Hello. Why not say 'you lie in your bed and close your eyes, I'm just going to go downstairs and get a glass of water and I'll be back in 2 minutes '... Then come back in 2 minutes. Then the next night, take a 10 min shower then come back. Third night take half an hour sorting the bins and cleaning the kitchen and she'll probably be asleep before you come back? Good luck!

Literally came on here to say this. Try leaving a lamp or small Nightlight on and do as @Preggers101 has suggested and leave for two minutes the first night, five minutes the next, ten minutes the next etc. Good luck ❤️ she'll get through it (and so will you!) xxx

This is probably unhelpful, but I saw a French subtitled drama…
Mother standing next to child in bed with his cuddly toys….mother asked child to wrap teddy up and to tell teddy it was time now to go to sleep, then a giraffe, then a fox or similar. After the child had told each of the toys it was bedtime, the mother said “everyone is ready for bed and now it’s time to go to sleep”

No idea if it would work in reality though.

Like you’ve said, you’ve always cuddled/lay/held her to sleep and it’s all she’s used to, she doesn’t know how to go to sleep by herself and you can’t really expect her to.

From very early, I put my babies into their cots awake, so they learnt to fall asleep by themselves, we never have tears at bedtime and they fall asleep within minutes.

I would read lots of stories on bedtime, speak in the day about what bedtime is going to be like as a big girl, make sure she’s nice and tired for bed, bath, massage, very relaxed setting, I read their bedtime story slowly. Tell her you’re only downstairs and you will come check on her in a little bit. Maybe a sticker chart might work? For staying in her bed. If you are going to sit with her until she falls asleep, I wouldn’t engage with her, just let her drift off.

Had the same issue with my daughter at the same age. Started out by leaving the room for 1 minute at a time (saying I needed a drink or to go to the toilet) promising that I'd be back. Always went back in when I said I would so she eventually trusted that I'd always return.

Gradually build the time up that I'd leave for but still always went back. By the time it was up to 10 minutes she was always asleep before I went back.

It's now a year on and I give her a quick cuddle and we say good night and I leave. On the rare occasion she gets upset about me leaving I stay but she's almost always fine about me going.

Sorry probably would have been helpful if I had written in the OP things we have tried (although admittedly not consistently)..…

telling her I’ll be back after I’ve done XYZ, she doesn’t fall for it and gets upset, grabs at me and begs me to stay.

staying in her room sitting on the floor but not getting in her bed, with the idea of moving away gradually every few nights, gets upset and begs for cuddles, it feels so cruel to sit there and refuse cuddles 😭

getting her a yoto player so the focus isn’t on sleeping necessarily, just staying in bed. Worked kind of for a little while but she still wants us with her.

I don’t necessarily want her to go to sleep quicker, I get that not everyone goes to bed and goes straight to sleep, I certainly don’t and would be quite happy for her to wind down in her bed for an hour rolling about singing to herself I just don’t want to be there for it!

You're not trying to trick her or her fall for it though - you are literally going out for a min to get a drink and then you come back. Repeat that each night until she doesn't mind. When you come back you stay with her until she's asleep. Then once that's ok you go for a shower and come back until she's asleep. Repeat each night until no dramas with you popping out. Then something that takes half an hour. Always go back up. Eventually she will fall asleep while you're not there. But still go and check just in case for a while after.

I should also point out she is 100% tired. If you have ever sat across from a colleague at 3pm trying desperately to stay awake through a dull meeting, that is exactly what she looks like. She just WILL NOT give into it.

My DD is exactly the same. No advice just solidarity- it's knackering!

Thank you, I think we’ll try this. I just struggle so much hearing her beg for me to come and give her a cuddle. She really is such a good girl so well behaved and just perfect so its especially hard because she really isn’t being naughty she just wants us to stay with her.

Arrgh I have one of these. No advice just solidarity.

The "have you tried popping out" people have very different children. Mine would have just come with me/ found new ways to stay awake.

He still gets cuddles and I just go with it. I can't listen to him get upset.

My 4 year old is the same. What works for us is bringing her upstairs by 7.15 every night. I know it sounds mad to go earlier but they often seem to get a second wind which is actually when they are overtired and it's then impossible to get them to lie down/relax.

So upstairs by 7.15, let them choose pjs and a story (thats them exercising control), put on pjs, brush teeth, read story then time for lights out.

Then 3 nights beside her bed, 3 nights about 2 ft away, 3 nights at bedroom door and then 3 nights outside door. No talking engagement etc have a sleep phrase so when you are consistent and say the phrase they know there is no point as there will be no engagement or fun.

I know how exhausting it is. She is my 3rd so I've 2 other dd's as well. I've snapped more times than I care to admit. But we are only human and try our best. Good luck!

Yeah she's not doing it to be difficult, she just isn't in comfortable going to sleep by herself yet. And that's ok! Say you are going to get a drink, she'll say stay and give me cuddles, you say that would be lovely I'm looking forward to it, I'll get my drink and come straight back. And she'll gradually over a few nights get less panicked when you say you're getting a drink because she knows you will come back. At the moment she's fighting sleep because she knows you'll leave. But once she is confident you'll come back she'll start to relax and drop off more readily. It will take a few weeks though as it's not one to rush as it's confidence building.

I would also do the popping out for just a minute, repeated until she's okay with it, then a little longer, then a little longer. I don't like upset around sleep, but literally 60 seconds for you to get a drink of water or use the loo is not long to be upset, and she does need to start somewhere.

Depends on the child, of course, but by 3.5, DD1 had a bedside light and was allowed to look at books or play with teddies in her bed if she insisted she wasn't tired. It seems to take a lot of the heat out her protests that she's not tired, 19 times out of 20 she turns the light off and is asleep in 5-10 minutes.