If your children share a room: how?!

[PurBal]

Two DC. 2.5yo and 9mo.

2.5yo has started waking in the night, coming into our room and wanting/needing resettling in his bed. I’m fairly certain this is a routine we created by mistake when he was ill but most nights he’s coming in now. Tonight he claimed he fell out of his bed, he didn’t, I’d have heard the thud, I was awake because the DC2 isn’t sleeping. This would have been an “easy” habit to break pre DC2 but I’m loathed to have arguments at 3am when I’ve already been up 2 hours.

I have been trying to night wean / sleep train the 9mo in order to improve everyone’s sleep. DH went away to his parents for a week and I spent the entire week on my own (yes I’m bitter, even though it was the right decision) and we were doing really well. Tonight I struggled to resettle him but he was getting there. After DC1 came in to us that was it, DC2 woke up as soon as I entered the room and screamed, properly guttural screaming.

The don’t always wake each other up but when they do it’s hell. Everyone seems to be shouting.

In my mind part of the problem is that DC1 wants an insanely bright night light on (DHs making, I was so pissed off when he started this). Again, we could fix this, but whenever we’ve tried to reduce the night light DC1 has got up multiple times wanting back on. DC2 wants complete darkness and sleeps well when this is the case.

For completeness I’ve just started a new job. I’m in bits. DH is doing nothing with resettling them but will complain he’s tired. And not just whine but get angry, if DH doesn’t sleep he’s not just “flagging” but he’s furious. He knows he shouldn’t react like this but he does. I’m aware this post is ranty and angry, I’m tired.

Which issue should we address first? I’ve not had more than about 3 hours sleep for months. I fell asleep at work on my 4th day. We all need better sleep! Help!

Friends who had their DC share a room ended up having to wait until both DC were sleeping through the night as otherwise they were constantly dealing with one child waking up the other. Is there an option to have DC2 back in with you? If DC2 is unsettled and feeding in this night which is disturbing your DH, he could share a room with DC1. You'd have to address that at some point but it might solve the current issues with DC1

Most I know (including ours) that share a room didn’t start until the baby was 18m-2y and consistently both sleeping through the night. I’d have baby back in with you and tackle the toddler’s sleep first if it were me.

Maybe they just can't. 🤷‍♀️

My three (10, 8, 6) have shared from the youngest being 6-9 months old. The eldest only started sleeping through when the next down came in. They didn't like sleeping alone.

Perhaps tackle the dh issue first. I found that dh was sometimes better at bringing about changes in sleep routines because they were less used to the normal way with him and he didn't have milk.

Sounds tiring! I just bedshare with the baby so he and I sleep very well and leave the toddler to DH to sort out in the night. Divide and conquer.

Hope you find something that works for you.

They're quite young to share. We didn't try until the little one was 2 and sleeping through semi reliably.

How many bedrooms do you have?

mine shared but only from when the younger one was about age 18m-2

DC1 didn't move out till sort of sleeping through at 2.5.

DC2 joined her when he was 2 and solidly sleeping though, DC1 was 4 by then.

DC3 I imagine won't move out till they're sleeping though and past the regressions (there's a delightful one at 8-10 months btw so it might be better in a few months) so probably 1.5-2.5 so it will be a 2 year old 4/5 year old and 5/7 year old.

We are resigned to having our second (11 months old) in with us until he’s sleeping through consistently - he’s not managed it yet so we’re a way off

I have a 15 month old DS and three year old DD in a 2 bed house. Our DS is still in with us which is not ideal.
I can't bring myself to put him in with DD as he wakes several times a night and she will wake and come into our bed 2/3 times a week.
I'm waiting for him to be sleeping solid consistently every night (more or less) until we move him into 'their' bedroom.

We do similar to @Zoomzoomroom i share with 9 month old (though don’t sleep well) and husband sleeps in spare room and deals with 3 year old when they wake (which is probs around 30% of nights at the moment). Me and my husband also experience tiredness differently but unfortunately it’s me who has the fury which is hard to deal with.
You’re really in the trenches right now, hope your DH can step up and things get easier soon.

put a gate at at 2.5yo door and then he can’t get out. We had to do that with both boys.

Which issue should you address first? Obviously your unhelpful selfish DH! He’s an equal parent and should be taking an equal role in dealing with the night wakings.

I would address your angry DH first to be honest.
Then if there's space for the baby's crib in your room, that might be the best way forward until both are sleeping through the night.

Thanks all. DH has promised to be more zen. We shall see 🤞 @Restingpotato thanks for understanding the rage.

@WarningOfGails we have a 3 bed but DH WFH full time and until I went on mat leave I did hybrid so needed the extra space for a study. Now the children are in nursery nearly full time and I no longer WFH we can rethink. I know we have the space, it’s just changing it to
work for us. I shared with both my siblings until I was 7 so it’s doable, but my parents can’t remember how. There were 5 of us in a one bed flat, sitting room used as a bedroom, babies slept in Moses baskets in the bath until they grew out of them.

@alphabettispagetti it’s a bit of a nightmare having the cot in with us as well but not impossible.

We could move DH out of the study completely or we could fit a cot in the study for overnights. DH and DC2 are only at home together once a week (thanks to our mums doing childcare) so could use a travel cot for naps that day.

We kept our youngest in our room until they were 18months and were more consistently sleeping.

Then at around 18months-2yrs we moved the cot into bedroom to share with older sister. Then a few months later the youngest started sleeping in bottom bunk of bunk bed (with bed guard) and eldest top bunk.

Sorry, am I reading this correctly, your children sleep elsewhere on a number of nights elsewhere?

Because that is going to huge impact on the quality of their sleep and any routines.

We used to live in a 2 bed so DC started sharing at 2yo & 6mo.

We'd put the baby to sleep in their room & toddler in our bed. When we were going to sleep DH would carry the toddler into the other room and pop them down.

One dim nightlight. Any walkers were put straight back down with as little fuss/interaction as possible.

I think we were a bit lucky too in that DC1 was a pretty good sleeper. (DC2 not so much but we managed to muddle along!)

^wakers

I’m here with more practical advice as my two have shared a room since 2.5 and 10 months (now 5 and 3). We did blackout blind, pillow that lights up for big one and then white noise (classical music) played loudly and constantly throughout the night. They will get used to it but mine had to as we only have 2 beds and not ready to move yet!

Bed tent for dc1? One they can't fall out of bed 2 zipping it up might make dc1 stay in bed

Baby gate across the door they dc1 can't get out?

Dc1 & dc2 do sleep training the cry it out method you will have a bad week or two with sleep but if you go to them it will reset and make sleep training harder