Feeling guilty after CIO

Xxx122 · 2024-03-28T22:48:20+00:00

My gorgeous LG is 14 months old. Always been a terrible sleeper. However will go to sleep quite happily in my bed. She still wakes several times but settles easily. i have moved her into her own room. Which was going well until she caught a sickness bug. I brought her back in my bed. I tried the CIO tonight. I stayed in the room the whole time. Trying to offer comfort without engaging much. She cried for a whole 70 minutes, nearly making herself sick. She finally caved and is sleeping. I now feel absolutely awful as she still wimpers in her sleep. I just want to scoop her up and put her in my bed. The guilt is so bad and I feel like I have been cruel letting her scream for so long. Is it normal for me to feel this way? Or is CIO simply not for me? No judgment to parents who use this method. I would love her to settle in her own bed and actually sleep. The guilt just seems to be consuming me.

haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 30/03/2024 16:08

It's ok for it to not be for you

lovehatelovehate · 30/03/2024 16:13

I couldn’t do this, personally… if it makes you feel this awful, I’d question whether it’s really worth it. I did feel tempted a few times when my DC were waking up constantly, but just couldn’t - they both sleep great now, and I treasure the memories of holding them close and cuddling them when they were small. It’s a very personal decision though, so do what feels right to you 💐

Hollyhead · 30/03/2024 16:17

Well done OP, she’ll probably cry for no more than 15 mins tonight if you do the same, then 5 the next night then sleep 12 hours after that. It’s horrible but worth it for better sleep.

freede · 30/03/2024 19:15

I think that's your gut telling you it's not right personally
CIO only works by breaking the child's spirit when they eventually learn nobody is coming no matter how hard they cry :-(
As PP said you will look back and cherish those times with them (as crazy as that seems now at 2am when you would swap a kidney for some sleep)
I would suggest you try a different approach. And if you do, I believe at this point (having done it only once) it will be no harm done in the long run so can move on and put it behind you x

Wedontopenyet · 30/03/2024 19:21

freede · 30/03/2024 19:15

I think that's your gut telling you it's not right personally
CIO only works by breaking the child's spirit when they eventually learn nobody is coming no matter how hard they cry :-(
As PP said you will look back and cherish those times with them (as crazy as that seems now at 2am when you would swap a kidney for some sleep)
I would suggest you try a different approach. And if you do, I believe at this point (having done it only once) it will be no harm done in the long run so can move on and put it behind you x

I mean she was in the room with her baby the whole time, so I wouldn't say no one was coming

That being said, your baby may have found it more difficult with you actually in the room. Perhaps it's confusing that she can see you but not have you. I'd do a cheerful lie down, night night, it's time to sleep, and then leave and give baby a few mins to settle.

Original poster

Xxx122 · 30/03/2024 22:46

freede · 30/03/2024 19:15

I think that's your gut telling you it's not right personally
CIO only works by breaking the child's spirit when they eventually learn nobody is coming no matter how hard they cry :-(
As PP said you will look back and cherish those times with them (as crazy as that seems now at 2am when you would swap a kidney for some sleep)
I would suggest you try a different approach. And if you do, I believe at this point (having done it only once) it will be no harm done in the long run so can move on and put it behind you x

She woke after 1.5 hours of being asleep and I didn’t have the heart to do it all again. Shes back in my bed and both nights asleep within a few minutes after cuddling into me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Xxx122 · 30/03/2024 22:48

lovehatelovehate · 30/03/2024 16:13

I couldn’t do this, personally… if it makes you feel this awful, I’d question whether it’s really worth it. I did feel tempted a few times when my DC were waking up constantly, but just couldn’t - they both sleep great now, and I treasure the memories of holding them close and cuddling them when they were small. It’s a very personal decision though, so do what feels right to you 💐

I couldn’t do it again! She woke after 1.5 hours and didn’t have the heart to listen to her cry anymore.

Can I ask how you eventually transitioned yours into their own bed?

OP posts:

OneMoreTime23 · 30/03/2024 22:57

My 13.5 year old slept in with me last night. She’d had an emotional day and if she gets comfort from being in with me, I don’t see the issue.

She’s still sleeping in the full size single we bought her at 17 months. I think she started sleeping in it, with one of us on the trundle bed below, at about 18 months and we were out of there a couple of months later.

Twolittleloves · 30/03/2024 23:34

Well you didn't technically do the awful 'cry it out' as you were there with her the whole time and by the sound of it trying to comfort her, but 70 minutes is a long time for a child to be crying.

Was she so upset because she wanted to go in to your bed? Or was she wanting more comfort or interaction from you than you were giving her?

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that pushing babies away makes them more independent OP....holding her close, containing her and responding to her cries is what she needs, as draining as it is.I've had two intense girlies and know its not easy, but the more you withdraw the closeness and comfort, the more insecure she will become.

Zonder · 30/03/2024 23:42

She will be ready for her own bed one day! Make her bedroom nice, sit in it together on her bed to read books or play sometimes, build a positive feeling towards it. That's a good start.

I tried CIO for one night and realised pretty quickly it wasn't for us. Not sure who it is for.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 30/03/2024 23:45

Ime all these people who accept such broken /lack of sleep need to read up on the long term health effects on us..
I got my dc sleeping through in 3 nights. Minimum crying. Transformed my whinging dc into a cherub... Dc need sleep too!!

mollyfolk · 30/03/2024 23:51

That’s not technically CIO because you are with her the whole time. CIO is literally close the door - maybe come back a few times to check kind of thing. I wouldn’t be up for it.

i did lots of trying to settle them in their cots by patting, pick up put down (don’t even bother with this) slow graduation to them going to sleep in their cots - usually involving me climbing in. If you can try and get them to go asleep in their actual cot it does seem to reduce the amount of times they wake up - but after 3 children, this is child dependent!

if she was nearly making herself sick I wouldn’t have the stomach for it either.

Womblingmerrily · 30/03/2024 23:51

I tried this at 9 months as everyone around me told me my baby 'should' be sleeping through.

Both of us had been sobbing for nearly an hour when my DH asked me why the hell I was doing it?

I remember the feeling of relief as I picked up and comforted my baby.

I just couldn't do it. Still now I get incredibly stressed when I hear a baby cry at a high distressed pitch.

All my children are now near adults who sleep well and have done for many many years.

It's not for everyone.

Upinthenightagain · 30/03/2024 23:58

Ugh don’t feel bad I think most people with bad sleepers try some variation of cio at some point. I couldn’t do it with mine because both would actually throw up from crying if they didn’t get their own way. It’s very hard

OneMoreTime23 · 31/03/2024 00:02

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 30/03/2024 23:45

Ime all these people who accept such broken /lack of sleep need to read up on the long term health effects on us..
I got my dc sleeping through in 3 nights. Minimum crying. Transformed my whinging dc into a cherub... Dc need sleep too!!

I couldn’t have broken sleep. DH was away 5.5 days a week and no family within 5000 miles.

Hence co-sleeping till she chose to move to her room. Neither of us suffered.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 31/03/2024 00:07

I was never able to do cry it out with mine. I have a 6 year old and a 2.5 year old. They are in bunk beds, my youngest on the bottom with a bed guard, but it’s a full single bed. So I get in, I read stories and stay cuddling with my 2.5 year old until he is asleep. then I leave to go and get my 6 year old, read stories to him and he climbs into bed, usually goes to sleep with me there.Then we have an evening. The 2.5 year old woke up at 5am this morning after going to sleep at 8pm. I got in for a cuddle again and then we got up at 6.30, I call that a win! Some nights he might be unsettled, and me or my husband just get in his bed for a cuddle. No regrets here on our methods though it was hard some nights.

Essexsoup · 31/03/2024 00:25

I’ve bed shared with all my babies. Tried cio once or twice with first born and instinctively felt it goes against nature. Babies and young children rely on us for safety and comfort, sure some are happy sleeping independently but many aren’t! And these years are fleeting. I regret the couple of occasions I listened to my baby crying but have never regretted cuddling my babies in bed. Enjoy the snuggles and ignore anyone who tries to place a negative spin on giving your kids (and you) happy sleep!
edited for typo

Petrie99 · 04/04/2024 07:17

We decided it wasn't for us (any form of controlled crying or denying comfort, not specifically cry it out), after 20 mins of "check ins". We continued to respond to every wake. For some intense periods at the 6m mark this was hourly, then it gradually grew less until he was averaging 1 wake a night which was brief. At this point I honestly don't think it was impacting me too much, no different to going for a wee in the middle of the night or getting a drink of water. We bedshared if poorly or the wakes were clearly due to pain/discomfort. He started sleeping through last week, unprompted by anything we have done. He just turned 15m. It may not last, nothing ever does. But I'm happy with our choices. It's such an individual decision in terms of what you are able and willing to tolerate sleep wise, crying wise and bedsharing wise. I found that maximizing my understanding of his sleep needs helped, particularly when I accepted that many babies cannot sleep 12hrs overnight plus do long daytime naps, and that a bedtime of 7pm means early mornings for many.

MsRosewater · 04/04/2024 07:24

DD was an awful sleeper. i could never stomach CIO ( look up the evidence of the long term detrimental impact on mental health and biological changes it causes in the child's brain - Margo Sutherland covers this in ' what every parent should know').

DD moved to her own room when she was ready - she was 3. Now 6 she calls out if she needs something

mrssunshinexxx · 04/04/2024 07:35

What about getting rid of the cot and just getting a double mattress in the floor x