Is it possible to cosleep with toddler AND newborn?

[TheCaretakerNadine]

Hi all

We have a 5week old baby and a 2yr old toddler. Toddler goes to sleep fine in his own room with our support, but wakes around 5 times throughout the night.

In an ideal world, Id love DH to take over toddler sleep at night, but DH doesnt deal well with tiredness compared to me, and works extremely long hours and has always had an issue with his own poor quality of sleep too.

Every attempt to sleep train the toddler where I am happy to take the lead ends in shambles as DH is too exhausted to look after newborn so I can do a gradual approach with toddler.

I am so tempted to cosleep safely with toddler and newborn but toddler is used to his room now- he has a double floor bed.

potential solution: Baby and I could move in to toddlers room, baby can sleep on floor next to floor bed on a mattress.

Im at my whits end, desperate, exhausted and need a solution. All this is having a physical effect on my body- bp is raised, I'm breaking out etc.

Has anyone else done this Cosleeping with both? Or is it best to try harder to get the toddler to sleep overnight without waking?

I personally would not do this

Baby needs a firm flat mattress

I did this. but with baby in bassinet and then cot. Toddler had his own single bed and I put a mattress on the floor next to his bed with baby on the other side of me in his bassinet. Only way I could get some sleep and go on functioning. Id do it, just like without any co-sleeping make sure the setup is safe.

I did this . However I slept on a single bed with new born in her next to me bassinet and toddler was in his own toddler bed which I moved closer to mine so I was in the middle .
It helped me loads as I had no help from my partner . It was the only way for me to cope and get decent rest

Do what you need to do to get a proper rest. Sleep deprivation is the worst.

I would set up whatever you need to do, to all sleep safely and go with that.

Ideally you could bring the toddler into your bed, use a Moses basket for the baby and put your husband into the toddlers room, just for a few weeks until things settle down.

I would be having your baby in a crib of some sort. I cosleep but i wouldn’t be comfortable with that setup. Is there not a risk if the toddler gets up in the night of then accidentally stepping on the baby?

Also, not sure why you think it’s acceptable for you to be exhausted but your DH gets lots of rest. What does he actually do to help?

It’s definitely not safe to have both in your bed.
I would have baby in a next to me or Moses basket.

Toddler in his own room and some tough love to get him to sleep in his bed all night.
I wouldn’t co-sleep with the baby as you would be extending the cycle of poor sleeping.
I know when you’re exhausted it’s hard to not do whatever’s easiest.

Does your DP know you have raised BP and your health is suffering? Because it doesn't sound like you deal well with tiredness either. A team effort really is best.

Also please speak to your HV who can get a nursery nurse to speak to you about sleeping issues.

Your toddler is not ‘settled’ in their new room if they are up 5 times a night.
A few months can make a big difference.

I’d definitely move your dh out to the toddler room, or put a tiny toddler bed in your room and the baby definitely into some sort of safe baby bed as you are dangerously tired.

I wouldn’t do this, what if your toddler stands or trips over baby whilst you’re asleep? I do t think it’s safe to have toddler and baby in the same room in that set up. Your DH is just going to have to step up, he can deal with tiredness for a few weeks.

If your toddler is that unsettled, have you tried a cot bed instead of a floor bed? Some toddlers need the security of a smaller sleeping space. Is there an underlying reason for him to be up that much? That's a lot of disturbance on the night! (Waking up is normal, but they should be able to go back to sleep easily without help at least most of the time)

My baby is in a cot that we've side-car'd to the bed so I can breastfeed. My eldest goes to bed in his own room but wakes up every night and comes into our room, so then it's baby in the cot, me, DS, DH. We have a super king bed frame with 2 single mattresses on it though, so DH is on his own mattress with his own duvet and is barely disturbed by all the feedings and DS creeping into the bed. (Similar issue to you with DH having longstanding insomnia and a job that requires him to be functional!)

Other posters will be hard on your dh, I won't be as like him I have sleep issues and it's hell. He does need to step up though with the toddler. It should only take about 3 nights to sleep train the 2 year old if he sticks to a plan and follows it to the letter. I would get him to do it over a weekend (book the Monday off work) and you go away with the newborn to your parents or in laws if that's an option.

Your husband definitely needs to suck it up and help you. How can he watch you suffering like this?

We coslept, the 4 of us, dd1 was put to bed in her room but she would trot in and climb into bed in the night which she did pre dd2, after a few weeks she just stopped as she didn't have enough space and slept in her own room all night.

Dd2 however stayed coming into our room until primary school age

I’d stop saying you cope better with the sleep deprivation than DH. You clearly don’t and now it’s taking a toll on your health. You’re in this together and he needs to step up.

Also, your toddler clearly isn’t settled in or used to their room if you’re getting 5 wakes a night. I wouldn’t expect them to be perfect but that’s awful, worse than newborn territory.

If it were me I’d get DH to do sleep training, controlled crying/Ferber, and it should be done in 3 nights. If you don’t want to do that then designate one bedroom for DH and toddler, one for you and baby. Putting the toddler to bed in their own room then playing musical beds during the night is pointless. Everyone needs to fall asleep where they’re going to stay asleep in order for everyone to get the most rest.

But in actual answer to your question, I don’t think you can safely have a toddler loose in your room when baby isn’t safely contained by a crib. Especially when you’re that knackered and may not necessarily wake if the toddler starts wandering.

I did this with the baby's cot sidecarred to our bed. Toddler could come and sleep in with us in the night if need be, but little one had their own sleep surface and I could still easily reach across for middle of night feeds, holding a hand/foot/whichever part of baby would keep them asleep, with toddler snuggled in to my back. I didn't get the best sleep, but it was a LOT better than if I'd been up and down multiple times a night resettling both of them. My DH is also horrific when he's tired, so I just found the best way I could to handle it.

Changed things up when baby could crawl and was sleeping fairly well in his cot space, so made it back into a cot. He's in his own room now, usually sleeping in cot but with a double mattress when teething means he needs more cuddles at night, but he's big enough that if toddler joins us in the night then it's not an issue.

No, you can't move your toddler back into your bed.
I hate that it's always the father that copes worse with less sleep despite the fact that 1. It's the mother whose body is recovering from growing a child, feeding a child, still being woken more by the other baby in the house and 2. Biologically men need LESS sleep than women. Biologically, scientifically, men cope better on less sleep. And yet in relationships that never seems to be the case. Baffling.

No. There are two parents and two kids. The maths is easy. Pick one. Draw straws. Whatever.

Yikes, sounds tough!

Eldest is obviously not settled well if waking 5 times a night. I assume it is the classic every 2 hours? That means he is waking between every sleep cycle and requiring assistance to resettle.

How does bed time currently work? I suspect with a few tweaks to this you could drastically reduce the night wakings.

Sleep training dosnt sound like it works for you - can I ask what you have tried and why it falls apart? I have to admit it's not my style to sleep train, didn't bother with my eldest 3 and probably won't with DC4 either. But it might be that you need to change how he is settling at night so that he needs less parental input when g goes through light sleep at night.

I haven't done exactly what you have described. However, I do sometimes have a 3yo and a babywith me - one of my boys has a tendency to sneak in at 5.30. I don't sleep well when that happens as I feel on a hair trigger for something going wrong! I have the baby in her side-car cot on one side (I put her in it diagonally so I can justroll in when she wants a feed and not really have to wake up) so that baby can sleep on firm mattress and away from pjllows/duvet. 3yo has to go on the other side of me. He does faff with the duvet though, so I worry and get very little sleep.

When your toddler wakes, what does he need to resettlehim? My other boy went through a patch of needing someone in the room, but didn't actually need more than that. We set up a single bed in his room and DH and I took turns to sleep in there. Did the same for eldest for a while when she had a patch of nightmares when she was 5.

Take a look at cosleepy on Instagram, she just did a post on this x

Could you have the toddler in your bed on one side and baby in a side car cot?

Bedtime is either me or dh getting him ready, dim lights, he has his milk from cup whilst a story is read. Then lights out. We usually sit next to him and hes usually asleep within 15mins.

It's the night wakings that are more of an issue. I think its a comfort thing. It takes one of us to lie next to him for 15-40 mins.

Thing is, he has the potential to self settle. Last year, everytime hed wake,we'd watch him on monitor how hed fumble around for his comforter or dummy, and then lie back down and sleep. Then we all got norovirus and it went to pot. Plus there is some separation anxiety too.

I want to try the gradual disappearing chair method. I did two nights but my newborn needed me. Dh does not have the patience unfortunately.

I know he is useless when it comes to sleep but he really excels at other things and thats just what works for us.

I'd personally focus on getting your 2 y/o in to a good sleep routine. I say that but my 2 year old has been a nightmare sleeper since he turned 1.

Luckily I spent time getting his older brother in to a good routine before he was born so didn't have this worry.

Your DH needs to step up and get on with it tbh. Hopefully short term pain for a long term gain. Consistency is key with these thing but it is hard when you're so tired. He does need to share this responsibility though.