How to sleep train a 17 month old?

[Snowdrop80]

I don’t really want to sleep train but I genuinely don’t feel like I have another option at this point. DS2 is 17 months. Always been a terrible sleeper. Fed to sleep for the first few months of life, then he randomly self settled for a few months and now he just won’t settle whatsoever. Wakes up numerous times a night and won’t go back to sleep unless he’s breastfed, but is only latched on for about 30 seconds tops. For about 6 weeks now he has been refusing his cot entirely at bedtime and has been cosleeping with us, but would still nap in his cot in the day. He now won’t nap in his cot whatsoever, but won’t co sleep for naps either. If I put him in his cot he just stands up and howls. If I lie him back down he just gets back up again. Weve had a couple of instances where he’s actually fallen asleep sat up because he’s that exhausted but simply will not lie down. If I try and get him to nap in our bed and cuddle him to sleep he just crawls all over our bed rubbing his eyes and whining. He won’t be rocked or fed to sleep, he just wriggles away from me. Today he hasn’t napped whatsoever. His eyes are bloodshot and he’s staring into space because he’s exhausted. He’s gone from napping for 2 hours a day to suddenly nothing at all and I know he needs the sleep. Especially as his sleep at night is so broken too. If anyone has any ideas other than sleep training then please let me know. If it sounds like I have no other option than to sleep train then how do I go about it and what do I do because he just stands up in the cot and cries.

Tell him you love him, tell him to show you how he goes to sleep, tell him to stay lying down, leave the room and close the door. Go downstairs and have a glass of wine. After three or four nights he will stop crying and go to sleep quickly.

I wouldn’t do what the PP suggested personally! I don’t have much experience in this but there are books like The Gentle Sleep Book that will have hints and tips on how to do it more gradually. If you can afford it maybe look at a sleep trainer - there are gentle ones out there - Teachtosleep on Insta for example seems to have a more gentle approach.

Aww bless him, that sounds tough! Do you think he may be teething/uncomfortable at all? Maybe you could try with a dose of Calpol 30mins before bedtime to see if that helps

Will he sleep in the pram or car? If so, I would be tempted to resort to that to get him a nap in the day.

At night, what time are you trying to get him to sleep? It's possible his sleep needs have reduced and maybe he would do better with a slightly later bedtime

I am not for sleep training at all and would be inclined to try a number of things (not all at once!) to get to the bottom of the issue.

@angelpie33 i thought it was teething at first but his 4 molars have now cut through and were still having problems :(
For bedtime, I was trying to just put him down awake in his cot (but sleepy because I breastfeed him before I put him down) because that’s how he used to go to sleep, but no matter how sleepy he is lately he either stands up or sits up and won’t lie back down. Tonight I stayed in the room with him and just kept lying him back down and cuddling him if he was crying quite hard. Eventually he gave in and stayed lying down and went to sleep. I don’t really want to leave the room with him crying so I’m not going to. I just sometimes I get so fed up and frustrated because he’s never slept through and Im so damn tired!
I think you’re right about the later bedtime though, it needs to be pushed back a bit. It’s going to clash with my 4 year olds bedtime but will try and juggle it.

@Snowdrop80 how are you doing now, op? Having the exact same issues with my (nearly) 17 month old... I'm exhausted and looking for light at the end of the tunnel

Commenting as well to find out progress!

I have a 21 month old who only sleeps whilst latched on.

If I miraculously am able to leave her she lasts for 30 mins max before wailing again for boob!

Even if DH puts her down she doesn't last long.

I'm exhausted

Unfortunately I don’t have positive news to report. He doesn’t fight the sleep as much but DS’s cot bed is now in our bedroom attached to our bed. He takes ages to go to sleep at night, breastfeeds on/off and I have to stay on the bed with him. Then he still wakes often during the night. He’s never slept though. Still as exhausted as I was when he was a newborn.

That must be so exhausting for you. I was going to suggest night weaning. Have you read this very gentle method.

What's he like apart from sleep? Does he have a regular nap in the day?

@CadyEastman hiya. Thanks for this. I remember reading about that method a few months ago. Do you think I could still do a dream feed with that? My only problem is that I’m that knackered during the night when he wakes that I know that feeding him back to sleep is the easiest and quickest solution so that’s what I end up doing, but in the long run is what’s causing the exhaustion in the first place. I also feel so guilty with the crying and DH isn’t very helpful during the night unfortunately. I do think I need to pick a date when to start though and just stick with it regardless of how gruelling it is. It’s not going to improve until he is night weaned.

Yes you can definitely do a dream feed. You start off with just 5 hours of time where you don't feed.

I can totally relate to you doing what you can to just get him back to sleep.

I had to pick a time where I wasn't on my knees with exhaustion. CN you get DH a bit more on board too?

At 17 months he doesn't need a night feed. Best option at that age is to leave him to cry but if you don't want to do that you could look up the chair method? My opinion is it's nicer to cry for 3/4 nights and be better enough sleep than to be tired for months, but I understand that's not for everyone, just thought you might want another way to look at it

We did gradual retreat where you sit by the bed, then move chair further away, then further and further. Offer vocal reassurance but don't pick him up.

Honestly, it's hard but sorted within a few nights. If you can afford it, forking out for a sleep consultant who will give precise instructions (and you'll want to follow to get your money's worth!) can help.

I think it's only possible if he's in his own room.