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Am I doing the right thing keeping baby latched all night?

10 replies

BetsyBooAndLJ · 26/02/2024 09:46

I feel like I really need reassurance that it’s going to get easier…
My baby boy will only sleep 20 mins without me.

He likes to feed to sleep and stays latched for a little while then he unlatches and will sleep quite well. Through the night he will sleep next to me for a couple of hours tops.

During the day he will need to relatch every 20 mins or so but doesn’t wake up fully. If I sneak away he will wake up after 20-30 mins without fail. If not instantly…I have been trying for 6 months!

He will take a dummy through the day, in the pram or with his dad but if I try and switch from dummy to nipple he gets upset.

He will sleep in his pram but only for 20-30 mins. His dad can rock him to sleep but can’t put him down, he wakes instantly. So he’ll nap on his dad for 20 mins.

I really cannot do any kind of cry it out method, neither can my partner.

I just really need to know that it will get easier? Will he one day just be able to sleep longer without me naturally? If anyone has been there before please can you tell me it gets easier?

I am so, so, so tired. The house is so messy and untidy. I have so much to do but I’m just laying here with him as he needs his nap… attached to me!

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
strawberryswizzler · 26/02/2024 09:48

how old is he? honestly i’d try to keep persevering to unlatch him. i breastfed for 2 years and quit cold turkey because i couldn’t cope with her being on me all night. it’s not something they just choose to stop on their own accord in my experience

BetsyBooAndLJ · 26/02/2024 09:56

I bet that was tough for you. He is 6 months old now.

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JennyHumphrey · 26/02/2024 10:01

I coslept with my son from 5 month to about 8 month and he fed during the night, although not as much as yours does it seems. We decided to move him in to his own room at 8 month and my husband was able to just put him down in his cot and he went to sleep, he had a feed downstairs before sleep instead then would wake once or twice during the night max. Equally when he weaned at 2 he just stopped of his own accord.

It's fine to make changes if it's what you want to do. But equally if you're OK with the situation at the moment (bar the housework) then that is fine too. They're only babies for a short while and unless you're living in squalor then the rest doesn't matter. Just do what is important to you.

JennyHumphrey · 26/02/2024 10:04

He was not a good sleeper at all BTW, hence the cosleeping starting at 5 month because I couldn't cope with the lack of sleep from him waking everytime I tried to put him down. I was amazed when my husband came downstairs shortly after going up with him and was expecting tears and tantrums so it wasn't that he was an 'easy' baby.

BetsyBooAndLJ · 26/02/2024 10:10

Thank you @JennyHumphrey That’s good to hear. I keep thinking he may go to sleep better for his dad than me.

I’m all for taking his lead, and I love the closeness. Just some days are harder than other with the exhaustion… and the untidy house. 🤣 I try to treasure him being little but sometimes I’m just so tired.

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NoCloudsAllowed · 26/02/2024 10:17

You can gently unlatch him as he drifts off, if he latches back on then let him but then unlatch as he drifts off to sleep. Keep doing this and eventually he'll go to sleep without a nipple in his mouth. It is a bit of a competition of which of you gives in first though!

I was a bit like you and DD was on the boob all night, got to 13 months and I needed to go back to work and drive to get there and just couldn't do it anymore. Did sleep training and within a week she could just go down to bed and off to sleep. With DC2 did sleep training at 9 months.

I would say, people have strong feelings about sleep training and I'm not necessarily telling you to do that right now, but it is easy as a first time parent to perceive any crying as meaning the baby is distressed and that it must be terribly damaging, whereas sometimes a bit of a cry is more about being pissed off. Not the same as being scared or distressed.

Your son has learned that the procedure for going to sleep is being on/next to you with a nipple in his mouth. If he wants to sleep and these conditions are not available, he'll scream because he thinks he needs that to sleep. You can gently nudge him into other habits, maybe by delaying feeding a minute or two, patting instead of picking up etc. If you're not desperate then you can move in that direction rather than doing regimented sleep training. There's a book on Gentle Sleep Training by Sarah Ockwell Smith that might help.

Of course it will get easier. You don't get many 3, 4, or 12 year olds that do this! However if left to his own devices I'd imagine he'd be in with you and feeding past the 12 month mark, more like 3 years to want to be sleeping in his own bed of his own accord, from what I've seen with friends.

It can help to get them to sleep then put them down after 5 minutes or so, when they're deeply asleep rather than only just asleep. And put hand on their tummy so it feels a bit like they're still being held. I also used to use an ergosling and DC would nap on me at that age.

Ultimately I think today's parenting styles often go too far in being child-led, gentle etc - you need to find a set-up that is a good set-up or compromise for the needs of both parent and child. Sometimes we think 'oh baby wants this so I must do it even if I hate it'. You're the adult, you set the parameters for what happens, baby needs sleep, baby might want sleep on you with nipple in his mouth, but if this is going to make you exhausted and resentful then maybe this want can't be realised because the price is too high.

Your mood and stress levels etc also impact on the baby, it's all got to be weighed up and if the way you do things now doesn't work for you then make a change and stick to it, ultimately he's a 6mo and doesn't get to control the whole shebang! If you started putting him down and patting, shushing etc then eventually that would become his new routine. But you probably won't get there without some degree of baby being annoyed and crying a little.

Brightandbreezey · 26/02/2024 13:03

Yes it absolutely does get easier! But I have found that sleep isn’t linear and you will get set backs along the way when you think things are going well.
I have a 12 month old - co sleeping since birth. Loves the boob and would stay latched all night too. But I’m gently taking my nipple away when I know she’s asleep and she’s able to do a couple of hours without me in the night. Same with day time naps… I lie on the bed with her and feed and then gentle remove my nipple and she will sleep a couple of hours with out me too. But honestly the day naps have only just started to be none contact in the last 2 months or so!
It’s a personal choice what you do - sleep training works for some but it’s not for everyone. Equally if you’re finding that you’re struggling with lack of sleep it’s worth changes things. My partner will sometimes sleep with DD for a couple of hours at night and I go in the spare room if it’s too much (usually around teething time!).
Do what works for you and your family!

BetsyBooAndLJ · 26/02/2024 17:20

@NoCloudsAllowed Thank you, I really appreciate your advice. It makes a lot of sense and I will take it all on board 🙏🏽

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BetsyBooAndLJ · 26/02/2024 17:24

Thank you @Brightandbreezey! I’d like my partner to give it a go cosleeping with the baby for maybe the first part of the night… I just don’t know if I trust him! 🤣

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Everythingwinniethepooh · 28/02/2024 08:28

For daytime naps could you look into getting a wrap? I have a Mobi wrap and my 4 month old can feed and sleep in it. The feeding position isn't ideal for being hands free - I need an arm under her head - but usually once she's asleep I can then shift her off the nipple and into a more upright position, which if I can then tighten the wrap round her means I'm free to move around hands free. But even without that, the wrap helps take her weight and gives me more freedom to move/grab things while she's feeding on me. I find it also calms her down as it can block out some light and helps her feel secure (I tend to wander round singing to her in it to help her feed and sleep). Just thought I'd suggest it in case it helps - the wrap looks complicated and took some getting used to but is amazing for naps now. Good luck!

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