Sleep Easy Question

[TheBeesKnee]

My partner wants to sleep train our 9 month old baby. I have been resistant but after months of shitty sleep I am on my knees, exhausted, and willing to give it a go because he will be at home these next 4 days and nights instead of working so I'll have some support for a change.

People at his work have recommended the "sleep easy" method which is basically; have a routine, put baby to bed awake at the same time each night, and go in to check on them at 5, 10, 15 minutes and you keep going in in 15 minute intervals until they fall asleep. You can talk to them but can't pick them up and should aim to be in and out in 30 seconds.

My question is how long you do this for though? The case study video I watched had the baby sleep in 37 minutes. What if your baby isn't sleeping after an hour/90 mins/2 hours - where is the cut off point?

I'm feeling really anxious about leaving him to cry and not comforting him but I am absolutely shattered, I am doing all the nights and then I'm home alone all day as a tired, shouty, shitty mum who's started having anxiety attacks. I've literally been crying all day. I'm so frustrated. I don't really know what else to do.

That sounds like Ferber, AKA controlled crying. You can google for ‘experiences’ of it. I’ve never heard it called ‘Sleep Easy’ before, is that someone trying to flog a sleep training programme or something?

But in answer to your question… It might take an hour, it could take 2. They could also wake up overnight and you do the same again and it takes another hour to resettle. By night 3 you should be mostly there. If you want to do it the key is to be consistent so you definitely don’t want to go into it already thinking of a cut-off point. That would be unfair and confusing to baby not to mention an absolute waste of your time. So it takes as long as it takes.

It doesn’t sound like your current sleep situation can continue though, so I think you’re doing the right thing by considering sleep training. Everyone needs sleep and I’m sure the whole family will be better for it. That said, you don’t have to do controlled crying if you’re not comfortable with it? It’s quick and efficient but if you’d rather something gentler and you’re ok with it taking longer (weeks vs. days) then there are other methods out there such as gradual retreat. Just because it was right for your boyfriend’s colleague or whoever doesn’t mean it has to be right for you.

But whatever you decide, be confident, be consistent.

Good luck!

Also don’t say you’re a shitty mum. It couldn't be further from the truth when you’ve been putting baby’s comfort ahead of your own need for sleep for so long. Amd good on you for realising you’ll be a happier mum if everyone is well rested. It sounds like you’re doing a great job, honestly!

@InTheRainOnATrain thank you, that's kind of you to say. I just feel like a shitty mum after shouting at a BABY.

And thanks for clarifying that you just have to stick with it for however long, I guess I'm just dreading hours of crying. Hearing him cry makes me anxious and the thought of not picking him up makes my skin crawl. He's also breastfed, so that will be tricky.

I think maybe they have just rebranded to make it sound "nicer" actually, you're right. I didn't think I'd sleep train, but then I didn't think I'd feel this desperate nor did I think I'd be on the brink of losing my temper almost constantly.

He went through a little phase of sleeping 4-8 hours which gave me hope but that was short lived. We tried "pick up put down" and he just screamed his head off, I think worse than if we'd just left him.

My memory is fuzzy because my youngest is 3 and honestly you block this shit out, must be a biological instinct because why else would anyone ever have more than 1 🤣 but there’s definitely something in the Ferber method about nightfeeds. You might want to look into that if you’re currently breastfeeding at night?
Or perhaps someone more helpful than me might be along in a bit who can remember…

I don’t think PUPD is recommended as an effective method for older babies which is maybe why you didn’t have success there. Definitely read that somewhere during THE FOG.

You can do sleep training or coaching without leaving them to cry, look for gentle sleep training. We used a consultant to help us and the results were excellent, and no crying at all. I did try everything else, leaving to cry etc and I couldn't do it for long enough to allow it to work.

We did exactly that with both DDs, though we didn’t call it Sleep Easy.

It’s honestly magic. It really works.

Neither lasted more than 30 mins, tops, and within 3 days we had no crying at all fr either of them. They still woke to feed a few times, but that’s fine by me.

With DD1 I was so tired I started hallucinating, so this method was really life changing.

good luck!

Can I ask what you/the sleep coach actually did?

My daughter was older when we did it, she was 2 so the techniques would be different. We were going from cuddling to sleep taking hours and then cosleeping most of the night to getting her in her own room and falling asleep independently. Multiple night wake ups to none. We had done everything before and up to that point from a much younger age though and I wished I had used a sleep consultant about 18 months sooner.

The main thing was fixing daytime naps, routine at bedtime and getting her comfortable falling asleep independently. I can share the techniques we used on the latter point but they would certainly be different for a baby vs a 2 year old and also from a different starting point of cosleeping.

We took a few steps back and coslept more for a few weeks, using a floor bed in her room, so she would never wake alone and made her comfortable going to sleep. Then we moved away from the bed at bedtime in the same room, eventually going in and out of the room. It sounds like really obvious stuff (especially the naps) but doing it consistently for a few weeks and making all the changes at the same time is what made the difference as we had tried all this stuff before. We found having the consultants help really useful as we could speak to her at any time.

My husband wanted to do cry it out and other controlled crying, and we did try it but I genuinely couldn't do it and leave her to cry. I hope this doesn't come across as judgemental to others as I don't mean it to be, fixing sleep is better for everyone and makes everyone happier in the long run.
But you sound like I did when we first discussed sleep training, the thought of leaving my baby to cry didn't sit well with me so i wanted to let you know that there are definitely alternatives.

Some Instagram suggestions
@careitoutsleepconsultant
@thebabysleepexperts

Good luck whatever you do!

So we didn't do it today but I did go through a load of rigamarole of breastfeeding him until he was almost asleep then putting him in his cot.

Took about 5 goes but he fell asleep eventually with his toy.

So technically he put himself asleep as he was awake in the cot? God I just hope he sleeps through tonight and through some miracle everything will be okay from now on. I'd like to avoid crying if possible.

How was your night @TheBeesKnee ?

I lasted 7 minutes. DP is annoyed at me.

Baby woke up 1 hour later. We started the timer. DP went in after 5 minutes and the crying got worse. I was pacing for 2 minutes then had to go up, it was horrible to listen to that crying. It was totally cutting through me, I was sobbing myself and digging my nails into my palms to try and cope with the sound but just couldn't do it.

I then kept trying to put him down sleepy but awake by he'd start screaming again. He already had a negative association with his cot and I think this made it worse. He was very distressed and clearly exhausted. I feel so guilty for putting him through this.

I eventually boobed him to sleep and transferred him to his cot and went to bed myself. I had trouble sleeping. My Fitbit shows I woke up 3 times but the baby stayed in his cot the entire night. He woke up at 8:30, I took him in with me for a feed and he's passed out sprawled across on my chest.

I'm not really sure where to go from here.

Don’t feel guilty, he’ll be fine and I’m also not sure I buy any negative associations with the cot. It’s just a bed. He’s crying because he needs you to go to sleep, because he doesn’t know any other way right now, not because he objects to a piece of furniture. And it actually sounds like he slept ok in spite of everything so clearly no trauma. Now you know cry based sleep isn’t for you, useful lesson learned.

Researching some more gentle methods could be the natural next step to find something you are comfortable with? Look for a sleep consultant to support you or do some insta research on the accounts mentioned upthread. Gradual retreat AKA disappearing chair is also a very well known but more gentle method since you stay in the room throughout. That could be worth a look?

Something that really helped me was remembering that I wasn’t just doing this for me, baby needs solid sleep too for good development. I also went somewhere that I couldn’t hear the crying. For me that was our roof deck with the baby monitor sound off. If you can’t hack the crying, you need to get yourself out of the house because you will make it worse for everyone.

Our DC also did not respond well to going in and out, I think it was very confusing for her. I did straight cry it out, which was about 20 minutes one day, 10 the next. I’d spent a couple months going in and out over 45 minutes which led to nothing but more screaming, and our problem was nap time so at a certain point, I just ran out of time to keep trying 🤷‍♀️. CIO had many fewer minutes of crying and sorted it very quickly.

But seriously, you need to get yourself out of the house and let dad do sleep training.

I would start again tonight but just go in and out in 3 minute intervals. You don't need the long intervals to work. The first night prob didn't go well because he had that hour sleep before you properly started. The sleep pressure isn't as high then so makes it harder when they wake. Best of starting it at bedtime as they are tired. Are naps good?

I might be interpreting it incorrectly (also sleep deprived) but it sounds like after the initial wake up your baby did all night in the cot until 8.30? that’s amazing! How was sleep before this and how do you want it to look?