How to stop feeding to sleep

[PsychoDeMayo]

I was lucky enough to take to breastfeeding quite easily when my baby was born and loved the magic of being able to send him off to sleep in minutes. I had no idea that a lot of people consider feeding to sleep after the first few months a bit of a problem and when I finally got the memo i didn’t know how to change it,

He is now 16 months and gets milk in the morning and bedtime in a cup (happy to take from other people) and will happily be rocked to sleep by my partner. If it’s me at naptime or bedtime though he screams and arches his back in my arms until I give in and give him the breast. The worst part is it no longer sends him easily to sleep and he does not fall off the nipple when he’s done. He can be on me for 40 mins or more grttinf more and more frantic (pulling my hair and scratching my face) until he eventually wears himself out and passes out.

I know feeding is not for my benefit but it has taken all the joy away for me. I dread feeding him as I feel violated by the experience (sorry if that offends anyway, I’m trying to be honest). I am desperate to stop but I am sitting crying in the nursery just now while my overtired boy does the same on the floor. I can’t face another second of breastfeeding right at this moment but I just can’t get him to settle any other way. I’m tired and emotional anyway today so I I’m making a big deal out of something I can usually grit my teeth and put up with.
I know I should be aiming to get him to go to sleep by himself in the cot but even being able to rock him without milk would be a massive achievement at this stage.

Any advice on being able to get him down without boob would be gratefully received.

OP that sounds really toughand I'm sorry you've got to the point where you've been crying on the floor today. I hope I can help a little bit.

Firstly, feeding to sleep at any age is not an issue even though people will tell you it is. As long as it's working for you, though, which it sounds like it isnt at the moment.

Secondly, don't feel like you need to aim for your LO to be falling asleep by themselves. It is totally OK for them to need support to sleep and for you to give it. Over time their need will reduce and one day they won't need you at all any more. Don't feel like you're doing anything wrong by meeting the need while they have it.

Thirdly, you say that you know breastfeeding is not for your benefit but it absolutely is too. 4% lower risk of breast cancer for every year you breastfeed!

This isn't to say you shouldn't stop if you want to, that is totally up to you and Emma Pickett is a fab resource on weaning if you do. I just get the sense that what you actually want is to carry on but for it not to feel so awful any more.

A few suggestions:

• unfollow any social media that says you should be doing X or Y and makes you feel bad

• follow Lyndsey Hookway on Instagram an amazing resource for reassurance and support www.instagram.com/lyndsey_hookway?igsh=b2F4d3B3eWlwY3dm

• she talks about habit stacking to make changes e.g. feeding whilst singing and bum pats and then once that's embedded you can start to remove the tool that you're finding difficult i.e. breastfeeding. www.instagram.com/p/CyqySRhRwfJ/?igsh=aGxicGxzZHNhdnBr

• my DD was recently in a phase of mauling me whilst feeding and it was so unpleasant. I tried giving her other things to fiddle with like a feeding necklace and that helped a bit but then she came out of the phase. I wonder if it's not the feeding itself that is bothering you so much as the frantic hair-pulling and scratching? And when that stops you might enjoy it again?

• the other phase we have also had is the not actually going to sleep from breastfeeding. Sometimes that was because DD wasn't tired enough and we needed to cap her nap and move bedtime etc to get to the right level of sleep needs as it's reducing as she gets older. Other times it wasn't that because DH put her in the sling and she was out like a light in 2 mins. Now she feeds to sleep again - like everything it was just a phase.

• In the meantime can your partner do every naptime and bedtime they are around for so that you get a break during those times? Sometimes it's the relentlessness of it that makes things worse and if it's not as often it's more bearable. It could just be for this phase, not permanent.

Wishing you all the best.

I would sleep train. There’s no point replacing feeding to sleep with rocking to sleep, you’re just creating a new problem to sort.

Agree with lots above! Would also recommend littlenestsleep, secondstartotherightsleep and heysleepybaby.

I had a similar experience with my son and eventually weaned him at 23 months. We used a few books that helped to prepare him: Loving Comfort(best one for him), Goodbye Mummy’s Milk, Booby Moon. First few times involved him crying but always being held as he protested about it. 3 days in he was fine and understood what was happening.

A floor bed really helped us transition to cuddling to sleep instead of feeding. We also used an yoto player to layer in a new association for a while before weaning so he was then having his cuddle while listening to the story instead of his feed but the story remains constant. And now at nearly 3 we just lie near him on the bed.

You haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve done exactly what felt instinctive and what he needed. And now you need to do what you need. Best of luck!!

I second those other IG recommendations, all the same vibe of supporting parents whilst meeting children's needs.

Also agree that a floor bed was/is absolutely amazing for us, though I do feed to sleep on it. A lovely example of habit stacking there too.

:( it sounds very tough and the breastfeeding sounds like it's making it worse. Do you want to stop breastfeeding?

You might really benefit from it psychologically and there are lots of benefits to the baby for having a happier better rested mum too.

We had a really hard time with sleep, constant waking so decided to try sleep training at 7 months old. I got help and they first got me to change his routine so he was feeding immediately after waking from naps instead of just before napping. Then instead of feeding or rocking to sleep, they taught me to put him down in his bed to sleep, say goodnight, and then when he cries, to give him a few minutes and then try tk pat him to sleep. It's not sustainable to pat a crying baby for an hour, so the pattern was pat for 10 minutes, stop for 5-10 minutes and leave the room to let him try to sleep then go back in and pat for another 10 mins. This is as a stepping stone to him learning how to fall asleep on his own. My partner did a lot of the parting as well instead of me as apparently they can smell the milk on their mum (if breastfed) and will cry more for it. I really cut down overnight feeds and so some feeds were replaced by patting him instead, which broke my heart hearing him crying for me and not feeding him, and I needed constant reassurance I was doing the right thing by him. But it worked. And he sleeps amazingly now and it's clearly good for him to be happy and well rested.

He cried a lot the first few nights and it was a lot of patting. Very very tiring. But I was getting so little sleep anyway that this was better. The first night he hardly slept at all, it was utterly exhausting. But after the first week it was much better and then by a few months later he only usually needed patting once per night. That made our lives so much better. So from about 12 months old we'd only have to get up a couple of times a whole week to pat him back to sleep. It regressed a few times where he'd suddenly need more support for a week or two but we stuck to the patting and he stopped needing any patting at all at 18 months.

I also weaned him after a year old and I felt so much better once I had, I had my body back.

I hope this helps and it gets better for you. It's super draining and difficult to function when you aren't sleeping.

Ladies thank you all so much for your messages. I’m having another little cry now but it’s a happy/relieved/hopeful one this time!

I considered sleep training a few months ago and read a book on it, but when it comes down to it I just dont have the bottle for it! He actually sleeps reasonably well at night now, it’s just the getting to sleep in the first place that’s the drama.

Thanks for the reminder that everything’s a phase. I am prone to catastrophising when things aren’t going great and I really need to remember that it can all change tomorrow.

i didn’t mention that apart from how much I am not enjoying feeding at the moment I also still don’t have my period back and we’d really like to try for another baby (despite sounding like I’m hating every minute with the first!). I am 42 so don’t have forever and I really do feel like this is the right time to bring this journey to a close.

I will look at all your recommendations tomorrow. Thank you all once again.

You're welcome. All the best for getting your cycle back and TTC baby 2!

https://www.instagram.com/emmapickettibclc?igsh=cTk3eXhzMGd6d2s1 Here is your Queen of Weaning - Emma Pickett. She has a podcast too.