Multiple false starts

[Rooandtwo]

Hello

i feel so stupid writing this because I’m quite sure we have tried it all and no one can help. I also feel as though I’m vaguely unlikeable in all my posts on mumsnet and should probably stop reaching out this way when ultimately I’m probably just depleted and lonely in my problem but know that nothing can be done.

that being said DD is almost 9 months and since about 6 months her sleep has gone to shit. It started with a false start every night And an added early morning wake. It somehow progressed to multiple false starts (and making every hour until about 11, after which she will sleep for a maximum of about 3 hours at a time, maybe close to 4 if one of her earlier wakes resulted in a long time awake struggling to get her back down.

Often when she wakes before midnight she cries and will writhe around arching her back refusing to be comforted until picked up and held upright, or potentially even until she is fed.

For a while I decided to try acceptance and the path of least resistance which was just to always feed her back to sleep. But then this reached the point where she was barely feeding in the day and we spent a nightmarish week refusing to feed her at each wake in order to get back to feeding only 2/3 times a night. This has improved her intake in the day.

Other things - we are basically co sleeping, we have side card her cot because my back was dying putting her in and out so many times a night. The back arching and pushing me away however is making me feel that cosleeping is not affording us any improvement other than my back being less sore.

We’ve also been working on her going to sleep in the cot not fed to sleep. I tend to lean over her and shush/pat her over the line but she can and does self settle sometimes.

shes down to 2 naps, which total 2 hours sleep if put down and 3 if held throughout them.

we have tried moving bedtime back, moving bedtime forward, my husband settling her (basically was refused). We cannot just leave her to cry - not only is it against what we want to do (I can practically hear parent who sleep trained laughing at us like yes, we all thought that dear) but when she gets put down or left the crying escalates dramatically and I do not think it would work basically.

we use white noise, we have a bedtime routine, she is doing well with solids. Breastfed still. Anyway, I think it’s all hopeless and this is the situation and I just need to live with it. But debating every wake whether to feed her or not and then feeling drawn into a battle I don’t want to be having when she just will not calm down. The fury in me makes me HATE myself. I am not the mum I wanted to be already and she’s less than a year old. I feel so sad and inadequate all the time. When the morning comes I feel I shouldn’t be allowed to love her or enjoy her if I reached the point of having to put her down and leave the room at night.

my husband is very supportive and takes her in the morning to watch him get ready for work He would do anything to help but whilst they are so close in the day, in the night she scream on him until o can calm down and take her back.

sorry. Long pointless post. This is miserable. I adore her. It feels like something is wrong with me. Actually it feels like all my fears of failure as a mother are coming true. Anyone who has read this even, thank you. It’s just so effing lonely being needed this much, in these ways, 24 hours a day, and wanting to meet that every need so much.

I hear you! My DD is the same she wakes all the time. She’s nearly 12 months old and I think the longest sleep I’ve had is 3 hours.
She doesn’t cry too much because like you I am really not into CIA methods. But I do breast feed her back to sleep pretty much every time. She occasionally gets rocked/sang to but only if breast feeding hasn’t worked initially.
I co sleep with her. Most nights I just get in bed with her and stay there! Not ideal but I read or watch something on my phone. DP is left downstairs to tidy up and watch TV alone! Sometimes I think we have made a step forward and I can sneak out for an hour or so but then teething or a cold etc. happen and we are back to square one!
I am just responding so you don’t feel alone really. I know it can be so tough but know that you are trying to support your little one. They only want to have us close and that’s completely normal x

Thank you for replying. I’m just the same, straight to bed and there from 7-7 with baby, maybe 30 minutes more without. Yet still I am exhausted. I wish I would just stop wishing for it to change. It feels like acceptance is actually what is needed but I think my stamina is just not letting me live up to the attachment led parent I wanted to be and I’m struggling to accept that.

My little one is a year now, and I remember this stage and feeling fed up and done, so I sympathise - lots of false starts and feeding throughout the night at a point and losing my evenings when I thought we had moved on from that. Whilst his sleep is still pretty random (ranging from one to three wake ups), it has definitely improved in the last couple of months and bar teething/illness no false starts and first wake up around 2-4am, settles in first half of night with dad, without me doing anything different or planned. So just to say it is a possibility for it to get better soon.

The occasions I tried to settle without picking up or feeding have been totally useless and fed into my anxiety and an obsession, and so I made a very active decision not to pursue that path for the sake of my mental health and relationship with my baby, and be consistent in my approach of feeding/picking him up in the night. But that is hard, very, very hard and like you say, lonely and soul destroying during these periods when things go to pot and their developing brains, teeth, tummies mean that they are restless, waking lots etc. I have only been able to do this through a good support network, childcare, and partner working part time - basically going back to work and having time so that I am not with babe 24 hours and so could deal with the high level of night attachment.

It breaks my heart that you think are a failure. You are not. You are exhausted and caring beautifully for your baby. I don't have any neat solutions for you apart from what you mention - the acceptance, but caveated that that needs a hell of a lot of wider support in your day to day, and so are there any avenues for exploring childcare so you can get a break during the day? I know that probably sounds like such cop out advice and difficult if there aren't any opportunities for that. But please, please try not to turn this on yourself as a personal failure - it is a societal one, where we live in circumstances which isolate and pressurise mothers in this way.

Thank you @cossmoss . It does really help to hear it may change. I wish I had never started trying to avoid feeding at night as I think it’s made me feel conflicted in the night when I just don’t have the capacity to navigate any internal debate. I think I do need to lean back into just taking that path of least resistance ie. Feeding at every wake.

im feeling low today to a point that isn’t how i feel most of the time. I think I’ve worried my husband as he’s coming home early now. He’s self employed but with me on leave he can’t take time off really to help with this. My mother is here sometimes but we are only just reaching the point where it might be possible for me to take a few hours. I think I’m not very good at letting go in that respect.

just to check - did you conciously ensure your baby went to their dad in the first half of the night or has this just become acceptable for them? I know some people advise trying this but again, for us it causes a lot of upset and we haven’t yet pushed through to her settling with him at night.

@Brightandbreezey Are you me? 😂

My son is 12 months old and the shittest sleeper I’ve ever come across (and I honestly believed my first was bad) he literally wakes every night after 35 minutes and cries on and off for an hour maybe longer until he eventually passes out. I actually think it’s become a bit of a habit for him. I’ve tried everything I can think of, nothing works to stop it. I thought it was overtiredness as he refuses a second nap most days but no, even a second nap or shorter wake window doesn’t help at all.

I relate to your comment because I too just give in so to speak and end up lying in our bed with him as we cosleep and I’m against CIO methods. I have literally zero evening and I feel like I never see my partner at all anymore. Like you we sometimes get these awesome phases where I can put him down and he will sleep for 1-2 hours and it’s amazing, I feel on top of the world. I can actually sit and watch tv, tidy up something that’s needed desperately tidying for days/weeks, spend one on one time with my eldest who doesn’t go to bed until 8:30/9pm.

He probably wakes on average 6-8 times a night on a decent night. Some nights he just seems so pissed at being awake again that even milk doesn’t cut it, you have to sit up bouncing him. We give him teething meds, Calpol all sorts and nothing helps, literally nothing. He just cannot sleep and it’s so shit. I also can’t remember the last time I slept longer than 2-3 hours again. If I get a 45-60 minute stretch I consider myself lucky.

@L00k4m3x ha ha! Solidarity ✊🏻 it’s nuts isn’t it? I knew baby sleep would be hard but this is something else! Yours does sound so tough! Do you remember when/how your firsts sleep improved?!?
I’m currently holding my sick DD - on the 5th night of barely any sleep as she has a chest infection and coughs herself awake when lying down. Won’t sleep unless held.
To the OP and all the mamas out there trying their best, you are doing amazing stuff, take it one night at a time, you’re not alone 💛

I’m trying so hard to lean into and just go with it for the time being, even though things have just been getting worse now for about 3 months. The thing I hate that’s getting me down though is if DD wakes every hour for a few cycles after she has just gone to sleep. She does this often but not always and I feel I must get every drop of sleep available in case the rest of the night is bad, but in those wakes I can feel so angry and have to hand off to my mum or husband, and then my daughter is screaming until I come back and it just feels no better than CIO. Plus it’s happening repeatedly not just for a couple days. Sometimes I’m shouty and I just think I’m scaring her and she doesn’t know why she can’t just have her comfort that she wants. I’m just totally failing to be the mum I want to be.

Motherhood feelings are complicated and often difficult. I am sorry you feel this way at the moment.
This may seem strange to ask and it’s not to dismiss your feelings but what are you angry about? Specifically? I think it would be helpful to explore those feelings a little bit. Anger usually comes from a feeling of unfairness or injustice. Once you’ve found out what exactly you are frustrated about try to rationalise what you can realistically and actually do about it. Accept the bits you cannot change (your baby’s ability at the moment to sleep - you can support but you can’t force sleep) and think about what you can actually do (not feel you should be doing). This may include getting rest at a different time of the day, it may be sounding off to your partner/mum at a different time that doesn’t interfere with your sleep, it might be putting in place some ways of reducing tension (walks, stretches, meditation, yoga - whatever works for you!), it might be support your baby in a way you can, it might be allowing yourself to let go of guilt when you need a break. I don’t know if any of that is helpful, I’m sorry if not.
A practical bit of help may be your partner taking baby in a sling for first few hours of night (my partner does this sometimes and has this week as DD is sick) often my DD has a little fuss of protest at first (which is hard to hear) but then relaxes into it and sleeps.
I find the podcast “motherkind” really helpful. Her latest episode explores mum guilt. Really helpful. Give it a listen if you can ❤️

@Brightandbreezey That’s so insightful of you. It’s taken me all day to get to reply but I have been thinking about this the last few days. I think the anger is about lack of control, but also about my lack of a break. My husband is very supportive but working all week and because of the situation I don’t spend any evening with him. Then at the weekend I want to enjoy time with them both. Consequently I never step away and at 9 months DD is a much more demanding baby than a few months ago so it’s come on gradually that I’ve just totally overstretched myself. I want to be able to just give everything and meet the need but the reality is I’m not coping like this and we badly need to find ways for me to get my energy reserves replenished. Something me and my husband both struggle with I think is when we try our best and it doesn’t pay off, and that is not something that pans out in parenting obviously 😂

Oh it’s so hard isn’t it? Yeah the lack of control can be hard. But your little one is a person and we can never control people. You could be doing everything absolutely “right” but your baby still won’t sleep. That isn’t anything you’ve done, it’s just the way it is and I think we just have to go with it. Being flexible is defo something you need with babies!!
Work out a way for you to get a break as well. Even just for an hour or two. Get DP to take the baby for a walk and you go for a bath, or watch your favourite TV programme or go grab a coffee. Or is there someone else that can watch DC so you and your partner can have an hour or two together? It’s hard but so important to put in place. it doesn’t have to be long (I struggle to be away from mine) but you honestly can feel like a different person after an hour to yourself!

Nothing to add but with you in solidarity, it's bloody hard! We've been having the Faldo starts and night waking for over a month and can't get to the bottom of what's causing it. Like you, I've tried changing wake windows, bedtime, given calpol, nurofen etc and nothing makes a difference.

Frustrating thing is she used to go down awake and self settle and now screams if I dare put her anywhere near the cot awake, so feel like I'm rocking her off to sleep all day and night, hard work.

Just keep repeating 'it's only a phase..' hopefully a bloody short one!!

Hi, could anyone on this post please share an update. Relating so much. Sleep has been a nightmare this past month with 8.5 month old. And have resettled 5 times already :(

Sorry, not what you’ll want to hear but the false starts are still a mainstay at 11 months. That said it’s usually just one and it seems to be trending closer to an hour now than at its worst when she would do 25 mins and then several more of less than an hour. She also generally has become easier to settle and we have seen some slightly longer stretches (4hrs). But nothing consistent. At this point I try to feel positive just about noticing any changes that show we aren’t stuck in this one point of sleep hell. Solidarity. Also last night was bad. Had I replied a few days ago I think my tone would be more positive overall.

Having read my original post and the thread back in full, one other thing has changed which is that I make sure I take time to myself now. Not enough as yet but it has definitely made a difference. Every few weeks I spend 4 hours at a private gym locally. Their membership is ridiculous but the cost of a day pass is justifiable to me to spend a couple hours in the pool, steam room, sauna, and then sit in the cafe writing. This is what works for me, you may want something different, but short bursts of popping out for a run weren’t cutting it like this does. In order to do this we have made a weekly habit of my husband getting dd down for her first nap. More recently my mum managed it too which promises even more time for me. I think I was very anxious for DD not to cry whilst being settled by someone else but it’s not been that bad and she needed to learn as I’m back to work in June. I really didn’t want to but I left the house in order for my mum to get her down and both she and DH say it’s much easier when I’m not around (hiding in the house doesn’t work and I need to leave a while before the nap is due). All this has helped me feel less trapped, which I think has significantly benefited the nights and how I’m able to manage generally.

Oh Roo, I feel for you in so many different ways.

I’m a first time mum to a 4 month old, so I’m afraid I don’t have specifics, but I empathise so much.

My MIL and I chat quite often about Mum guilt and how you get it for basically everything! Playing with your child too much? Guilt you’re not teaching them how to play independently. Letting them play independently? Guilt that you are not giving them enough attention! My son currently does two feeds in the night, but gets wiggly more often. I never know if I should be giving him his pacifier or feeding him! It does feel like a lot to have to calculate the moment you wake at 03:00!

Now, as I said, I’m totally out of my depth with that age, but I wonder if there could be a growth spurt/developmental leap going on? It really sounds similar to the 4 month period we’ve just had. Knowing that was what was going on made it much easier for me to ride out the total chaos we had for a couple of weeks.

Are you getting enough rest, do you think? Is there anyone who might be able to do a few nice pram walks/wake windows so you can get a bit of time to chill and snooze?

@Twocents My son is now almost 15 months old and finally we’re getting better nights. No false starts anymore and after what felt like a lifetime of him waking after 35 minutes every single night I can now sneak out within half an hour usually and get a couple of hours downstairs before going to bed myself. When I do go to bed myself we are getting some nights where he doesn’t wake until 2/3am so that’s 6 hour stretches sometimes!!! Mind blowing after months and months of him literally waking every 20 minutes. We haven’t done anything different at all, we still cosleep and he still nurses to sleep. I will say we realised he hated any sort of blanket or sleeping bag so now we just put him in a vest and sleepsuit and he much prefers it. He also started moving around to get in to comfy positions which I always hoped would help him and it is.

@L00k4m3x - you’ve given me hope!!

@L00k4m3x me too!

Hi @Rooandtwo @L00k4m3x thank you so much for sharing, it really does help to hear other people with similar experiences. I do appreciate it. @Rooandtwo yes! I'm glad you are getting more time to yourself, I need to start doing this.
@L00k4m3x that helps a lot to hear.

I may find the energy to start my own thread but for now reading these old ones gives me some strength!

Hi all,
I have a 4.5 year old who as a baby false started every night for about 11 months and then fed back to sleep every 2 hours forever. Back here because my new 6 month old daughter is doing the same! Anyway, just wanted to pop on and say that even feeding to sleep (until weaned at 2 years old) and cosleeping my little boy now sleeps in his own bed all night and has done independently for years now. I firmly believe so much of sleep is developmental and they all get there when they are ready. I wish I could remember the last time he fell asleep with me or that I’d known in the moment it was the last time.
I guess just to say, lean into whatever feels right, sometimes the easiest route makes sense when you are tired/exhausted, it all gets better in time even if you change nothing (and it’s absolutely okay if you are in a place you need to change something too, crying in the arms of another loved one is not crying alone). Hang in there x

I wrote an update just over a month a go but back again to say my 16 month old now on occasion sleeps through the night. I never thought it would be possible. We still cosleep and he can moan/cry a little but it just takes a quick little rub of his back and he settles, as appose to hour long feeding sessions lying uncomfortable and desperate for him to unlatch.

Hey, honestly I remember being In your situation - my child is 3.5 now but when he was 9 months he woke every 2-3 hours. Just roll with it. It's a nightmare but won't last forever. Don't stress yourself with the whole 'why is he/she waking up' that's what babies do. People will tell you all kinds of stuff- the fact is babies want cuddles and milk end of story. They also don't like to be seperated from you even in a next to me cot! I know it's not what you want to hear but my boy still doesn't always sleep through the night in his own bed. Just do what you can to get enough sleep - even if you have to co sleep or feed in the night or feed him/her to sleep just do it!

Thank you all it’s so good to hear hopeful stories. I feel like I owe an update too. DD is now almost 13 months and things are better. We still almost always get one singular false start but we’ve grown used to it even though we fantasise about what we could do with our evenings if it didn’t happen. Now that DD is over a year old I feel less anxious about cosleeping generally and if she is hard to get back into her own bit of the side car I let her sleep next to me. She has also stopped (touch wood) the wild arm flailing back arching wakes. In hindsight this was a lot of what was so hard. It’s one thing to be woken and another to be woken by a baby who doesn’t actually seem to want you near them. It was a bit like trying to rescue someone from drowning whilst they were panicking and unintentionally attacking you at the same time. DD usually wakes 2 or 3 tomes a night now, not including the false start. But I feel SO much better about it all and now even look forward to bed time and it feels like a warm bonding time again. Thanks everyone and sending good sleep and endurance vibes to everyone still int he trenches.

Hey all, I am loving the updates and the hopeful stories people have added onto this thread. It really does help to hear from others in the same boat and those that have got past this! Especially with no major changes just being there for your LOs and trusting they will get there eventually!
Little update from me - my DD is now 15 months old. We’ve had a terrible few months due to back to back chest and ear infections and now another viral infection. So sleep hasn’t miraculously got better for us. But there has been moments when she is well that she has settled better for naps and even slept 2 hours without needing me in the day. At night she still wakes but it seems less dramatic these days - she just wants a little bit of milk but often she wants a cuddle or literally just to touch me and I can shush her back gently. So I do see that as a bonus.
She still wakes up pretty religiously 45 minutes after I put her to sleep but again she has become easier to settle down again and after the 45 minute false start I can sometimes sneak out and actually see my partner!!
Solidarity to all you Mums out there just trying your best! It will get better!!

Thank you also for all the updates. So many similarities, glad to hear some gradual improvements, it helps so much to hear from those 'ahead' in the journey. The multiple false start period appears to have ended after about 7 weeks of really bad nights..about 8-10 wake ups, hoping that was just the '9 month regression' and things will gradually improve!. We're now back to 1-3 hourly wake ups but it's so nice to be able to have a bit of evening again.