To sleep train or not

[12weeker]

5 month old, never slept well but am officially running on empty now. He can’t self settle. Naps for 40 mins max after rocking to sleep (contact naps) where he cries as soon as I start trying to get him sleeping. Wakes frequently in the night and is fed to sleep. He’s a big baby so I cannot continue the rocking and contact naps, and at some point need him in a cot as he’s outgrowing the next to me, so don’t want to be bending into a cot multiple times. My back can’t take it!

I follow the little ones routine for naps - but use the catnap guide. im trying to introduce a comforter, and have managed to stop shhing when rocking and instead I play white noise near me. Wondering if I can taper things down somehow and get to him self settling in his cot this way? He still wakes up when I attempt to put him in his cot asleep. Screams if he’s awake (fully or drowsy) and goes in there.

I don’t want to sleep train, I’m not sure I can even handle it to be honest. But I’m losing the will. It’s the relentless nights and then the relentless days getting him to nap through the crying that are chipping away at me more and more. Any suggestions please!

Honestly, sleep train him. It's not cruel, you are just teaching him the valuable skill of settling himself. Otherwise what is going to change? If you don't help him to learn he will still be like this at 12 months, 18 months and older. There are lots of gentle ways of doing it. It will be tough and you will have to be determined but in a week your life will be transformed - you will feel ten years younger, he will be happier and you can enjoy each other. DS was older than 5 months when we did it and I was kicking myself for not doing it sooner.

You will get some responses saying “absolutely sleep train” and others saying “absolutely do not sleep train”.
You said in your post you don’t want to so I am going to go off this. Is there something else you can try?
Cosleeping at bedtime? Other ways of napping - pram/car/sling?
Self settling is really hard for babies - most babies at this age can’t do it so don’t be pressured into thinking you or your baby are doing anything wrong. Most need some kind of support at least for the first year and beyond.
I would recommend Lynsey Hookway on insta - she normalises a lot of baby sleep and has info on “habit stacking” if you want to adapt the way you help your baby to sleep.
I Have never sleep trained but I will say baby sleep is weird and when you’re in The midst of a rough patch It is so hard!! But it can and will get better, do what feels right for you and your baby. Sleep will improve. Good luck!

You can sleep train using the methods you’ve talked about and tapering things off. So you can rock with white noise then start rocking less etc. you can feed to drowsy then rock and then get rid of the feeding bit.
lots of sleep consultants out there that advocate a gentle method and use habit stacking to help change things. You can absolutely change the way baby sleeps without having to leave him to cry.
it takes longer, weeks rather than days but if that’s a preferred method and works for you. Lyndsey Hookway on Instagram has a lot of info about baby sleep and how to improve things without traditional sleep training, teachtosleep, gentle sleep coach, all have free resources and tend to favour a gentler longer process without typical Ferber method, cry it out etc.
but also, babies cry. It’s their way of saying hey what is this?! If his needs are met and he cries it’s a protest yes and you may want to comfort him straight away. But if you feel you can manage short periods of crying, you can crack sleep in a few days with consistency and persistence. Totally have been where you are, didnt want to sleep train but also so tired and not enjoying what we were doing which wasn’t resulting in anyone getting much sleep.

Sounds so hard and I've been there with both my two little ones. I sleep trained both at 6mo from feeding/rocking to sleep by gradually introducing shishing and patting their bottom, pulling them off the boob just before fslling asleep then slowly, slowly being able to do it in the cot with them having a comforter and then leaving them on their own. Was actually quite straight forward with the first and more difficult but nowt too bad with the second. However, my second has had quite a few illnesses and keeps lapsing back into wanting me. At 10mo I enlisted Sarah carpenter who assisted via video monitor, she was amazing and had her sleeping through the night with no crying, just a bit of sleepy grumbling.
We started nursery at 12mo and she lappsed again and wouldn't be out in the cot bit after a few weeks of back breaking rocking and shushing we are back to self settling.
I'd reccommend doing it sooner rather than later as the older they are the tougher it is. Once sleep trained you can also get your partner/others involved in putting them down which I found really helps break the want for boob and helps them settle in at nursery etc.
Good luck x

This is so helpful as it’s exactly what I want to do! Can I ask how you managed to get them into the cot gradually? What was your method? I feel at a bit of a loss

@12weeker a bit like phasing into patting and shushing from feeding, you can pop them into the cot when they're 99% asleep and continue shushing and patting their bottom (lay on side). When you pat, do it quite firm like the bumps they feel in the car or pram. Then every couple of days put them in slightly more awake and finish off with patting and shushing with them holding a comforter.
Then, once patting and shushing is the norm, you can take the leap and pat/shush till they're almost asleep, then either just shush, or leave them to settle themselves.
With my son who was a bit easier, if he was taking longer to settle like at grandparents house or during a development leap, I would lie on the floor next to the cot and pat the matress rhythmically (like I had his bottom) and he would eventually quieten down and go to sleep.
Each stage of gradually moving through takes about 3 or 4 days to become the norm. Once they eventually settle themselves, it'll become the norm within a week and there will be no drama. It's so worth it.
I didn't night wean, once they settle themselves for bedtime they just slept longer stretches naturally as they could move through sleep cycles and when they wake, unless they're screaming I'd leave them to grumble for a few minutes and sometimes they go back off to sleep on their own.
If you need a handhold, I'd really reccommend Sarah carpenter, she helped with my second as she wasn't responding like my first. Was brilliant having her chatting me through live in the moment.

Thank you so much. Going to start by introducing patting whilst rocking, and then try to get him in the cot when about to fall asleep whilst patting, and hope I can keep moving from there…🤞🏼