14 months and totally fed up

[Potplant19]

My youngest is 14 months and has never been a good sleeper. After so long I am just on my knees. She's breastfed and we co-sleep which up until a few months ago meant I at least got some sleep, but for the last few months it hasn't even meant that.

Evenings are often a hot mess. She wakes frequently, can sometimes be settled relatively quickly but often can't. At this point I'm starting to really hate and resent not being able to have a thin slither of the day to myself. My husband can re-settle sometimes but most of the time she will just scream relentlessly until I come in. Recently I've started going to bed stupidly early at 8pm because I hate being up and down all evening.

From then she'll maybe sleep an hour at a time, maximum two. When she wakes she cries out and can take a long time to settle, needing to feed then roll around, often crying until she finally sleeps a short while longer. On the worst nights, like tonight, I've brought here downstairs and put her in her pushchair with white noise while I or my husband sleep on the sofa next to the pushchair, rocking it when she wakes. This seems to be the best way she will actually sleep. If this was just a few nights I'd be able to cope but it's gone on for weeks and weeks.

Our situation feels completely ridiculous, and I hate it. In the day she seems a pretty happy toddler, she's walking whilst holding someone's hand and generally hitting milestones. She's teethed remarkably quickly so currently has her canines coming through which I know are tough. She started two mornings a week at nursery in November otherwise is cared for at home by myself or my mum or my husband. She's never been a big sleeper in the day and generally has one nap midday ish, 2 hours on a good day, about an hour on a less good day.

It's nearly my eldest's birthday and last night we were meant to be making her cake and wrapping her presents. I had to leave my husband to do pretty much all of it because my youngest just would not settle. I am wiped out after Christmas and feel so sad I've not been able to approach this next birthday with energy and happiness because I am just bloody exhausted.

Sleep training doesn't well with me, and I know mumsnet is fairly pro so I'm not sure why I'm posting here beyond desperation. I'd love to hear how parents of similar sleepers moved forward.

Night wean.

Move her to her own bed.

Look into some gentle sleep training. If after looking into it you think the current circumstances are better for your family then don't do it. But do take into account how bad the current situation is for everyone's health and wellbeing when you make the decision.

My youngest got into a bad waking pattern following an illness. I stayed with MIL for a week and she got up to him when he woke (he was in his own cot). Each night he slept longer, until he was pretty much going through he night.

I’m sorry OP 💐💐 sleep deprivation is torture. Night wean is your best option here by far. The way that worked for me when my DC was around 10 months was Ella’s banana baby brekkie! I wanted to figure out if it was hunger or cuddles that were causing all the waking, so I used to take pouches to bed and give them when DC woke between 12am and 7am.

What I found was DC was hungry but after 2 pouches would sleep well for at least a little while. If it turns out DC isn’t hungry then it’s about cuddles, stroking, shushing etc I guess. Have you tried her in a cot next to the bed or one of those side sleeper ones? I found, although co sleeping helped a bit when desperate, in the end it was just a rod for my back and even a couple of hours’ sleep without a restless baby/toddler next to me was like a gift from heaven compared to 6 hours of wriggle, wriggle, wrigggle! You don’t even realise how poor the quality of sleep you’re getting is when you’re this tired but it does make a difference.

Anyway, try the Ella’s in the day and if she likes it start it at night! (I guess formula is a similar principle, but mine wouldn’t really take a bottle and I didn’t want or see the need to give formula when they were old enough to just have food!)

She needs to be in her own bed. Our twins were in there own from 8months and I've never looked back. They also don't nap in the day and since being in there own beds after about 5 nights of unsettlement at first they now sleep 6:30pm till around 7am

Put her in her own room, my son was like this around 18 months and one particular night broke me. I moved him into his own room and had vowed to go in and settle him every time he needed it, first night he woke once which needed some very quick settling second night slept through!! We just needed a bit of distance I think and we're obviously being woken by each other, he sleeps like a dream now

My youngest was similar op (even down to the rocking to sleep in the pram!).

One night I put him in his cot and as soon as I got downstairs he started screaming.. I was putting washing in the dryer and continued rather than rush straight back up to him., when I went up 2/3 minutes later he was back fast asleep.

I felt awful like I'd left him to cry it out but in reality it was such a short time. The next night I did the same and same thing happened. Day 3 he stayed fast asleep.

I wouldn't advocate crying it out for a prolonged period but sometimes waiting a few minutes helps them to actually self settle!

Just to clarify, she is in her own room. If she slept she would stay in there. There's also a double bed which is where we co-sleep after she's already been up 4-6 times in an evening. When I've tried to leave her there for longer she's still up every 40 minutes, and it's not sustainable to keep getting up, spending 30 minutes trying to settle her and then doing it all again 40 minutes later through the night.

When she wakes up she stands up immediately, and cries relentlessly holding onto the cot bars. I've had to leave her previously whilst also doing bedtime with my eldest and she hasn't calmed down until I'm with her.

My eldest was a lot more like other replies suggest, and started sleeping a lot better around 18 months. We still feel a long, long way off that at the moment.

Sitting here with my 14 month old so very much understand where you are. She is my third and not too bad (although still wakes once a night and goes through awful phases when ill/teething etc). But my second was an absolutely horrendous sleeper at this age, I nearly lost my mind.
How does she go off to sleep? Is she fed/rocked to sleep? If so I find changing that makes a massive difference. I know you don't like sleep training but a gentle approach really isn't that bad. They get it so quickly and it makes for a happier parent and baby all round after a week or so. My DD was doing quite well then had a horrible cold and 2 teeth through so we regressed back to feeding/rocking to sleep for a week or so and it led to constant night waking again. Currently gently trying to get her back to where we were with a feed in the dark but putting her down awake and stroking her back. Gradually will do less and less and hope she gets back to where she was with just happily going into the cot and going to sleep. Oh and with all 3 of mine I've found lullabies work really well. The same one(s) every night so they associate with sleep. Good luck!

Thank you. To go to sleep she has a feed and goes into cot awake where I pat her bottom and stroke her back until she falls asleep. When she wakes I try to do the same to settle her but if it's not working she will have a feed and go back in afterwards. She also has white noise playing.

I know teeth are playing a part, as is this cold she can't seem to shake. I think that's why the pushchair helps because she's at a slight angle so can breathe better.

I know that really there's not a magic fix, it will I'm sure get better with time but right now I am just exhausted.

Op, I could have written this word for word. My DS is also 14 months and did not sleep any more than a 2 hour stretch until about a week ago, when he suddenly only had one waking and has been like that ever since. We did wean a month ago but his sleep stayed poor for three weeks after this so didn't expect it to make a difference. The other thing we did do the night before he slept better was tried to assess whether he was actually crying and needed something, or whether he was just grumbling. When just grumbling and not standing in his cot in rage, we left him for a few mins before going in and he managed to get himself to sleep every time and his heart rate never got in angry territory (we have an owlet sock we use to monitor it). His has also coincided with a HUGE increase in solid food as he used to take so many calories from breastmilk he was a bit of an unpredictable eater when around me. I genuinely didn't expect the change to happen so suddenly. I thought he was incapable of sound sleeping as he was often up ten times a night. If so exhausting and I know how you feel; it will get better though