Implemented too many ‘sleep crutches’. Have I f*cked it up for good

[Motherofpearlxoxo]

first time mum to a 15 week old and need some advice about how to improve my baby’s bedtime routine please!!

Not quite sure how it happened but my baby now needs the following to get sleep…

rocking
shushing
white noise
cheek stroking
dummy

I’ve tried removing elements previously to no avail. Tonight she woke back up as I was putting her down so decided to leave her as she was drowsy but she was then wide awake, eating her hand, and showed no signs of sleep for 35 minutes (in the last 20 or so mins I started shushing and cheek stroking!). Did I leave it long enough?

Through fear or her becoming the dreaded over tired I got her back up and rocked her to sleep (white noise and shushing too).

I know they are meant to go to bed drowsy so they can learn to drift off but I’m worried the horse has bolted and I’ve ruined my chances of this happening.

i’ve spoken to my sister about this and she said she was still rocking my niece to sleep when she was 3!

will I be able to remove these sleep crutches and if so how would I do it and which ones should I eliminate first. I’m honestly worried that without all the interventions I’ve put in place she’d just stay awake all night! Was considering a sleep coach then remembered I’m skint.

arghhhhh

Awwwh congratulations, sounds like a good routine and she's sleeping which is the result you want?

The dummy, white noise are not your time, so I'd leave those? If you really want to remove anything the rocking and shushing? But she's still tiny and will be getting comfort from that.

Are you ok with the routine? Happy and enjoying the contact then personally I'd enjoy and cherish it and relax into the fact babies aren't really designed to sleep like we'd love them too.

First of all you haven't lost all hope for good. Please can I clear up something - your baby became a bit more alert when you placed her in the cot - was she distressed, crying? If she wasn't - you should have left her in the cot and left the room. If she'd being crying solidly for 35 mins I would have understood why you picked her up, but if she was content - leave her.

I always worked on the assumption that rocking, white noise, stroking, patting etc etc was actually stimulation for the baby. Other people recommend a bedtime bath - woke my DD up as she loved a good splash about, again stimulation.

So darkened room, quiet calm voice saying goodnight, a hand lain on the tummy if there's a bit of grizzling. No need for white noise, get the baby used to the standard noises of your home, not silence.

At this stage you don't need a sleep coach - just reduce the stimulation. I'd definitely get rid of the white noise straightaway- drives me to the point of distraction. And if she's not crying - leave her, if you stay you become the stimulation

Hi @whyamiawakestill Thank you!! That’s really good advice. It doesn’t bother me one bit actually…was just worried about her being 5 and needing to be rocked and blasted with white noise but I think I’ve over thought it.

Really appreciate your perspective after reading article after article about always putting them down drowsy rather than asleep!

thanks very much @DPotter . Really appreciate the advice.

She wasn’t crying and seemed as happy as Larry but I was worried she’d just stay awake all night. And she really doesn’t hesitate to cry at the slightest irritation normally.

You are right on white noise, I do need to eliminate that as it’s doing husband’s head plus we live very close to M1 and on a busy A road so it’s hardly silent where we live.

Thanks again

No! I was the same. Everybody constantly told me 'you're making a rod for your own back / you're spoiling him'. (you cant spoil a baby but anyway!) Do what works, they're small for such a short time, Id do it again if I had another baby. Mine got to about 18months and would want a hand on his back while he had a bottle to sleep, then just didnt want it anymore. Rock your baby and give her that comfort.

You're welcome Mother

Getting babies to sleep is a worry - especially if it means you aren't sleep yourself.

I agree with Goldiex. I ended up lying on the floor next to the cot holding his hand or foot and singing Old MacDonald on repeat. If I had the time again, I would probably just give him a proper cuddle and cherish it. Providing you aren't too knackered, do what feels right and try to enjoy the time.

FYI, once he was bigger we co-slept for years. Both loved it until he decided that he wanted his own bed. He sleeps like a log.

Firstly, congrats on your baby. Secondly, your baby is 15 weeks. Take. A. Breath. They will go through many sleep changes over the next 3 years. Cuddle them, Rock them. Enjoy them. Please don't stress how you support them in sleeping. It's biologically normal for babies to sleep with you, and wake at night, for a long time to come yet. If you try to implement rigid ideas about sleep you're going to make your life a misery. They're not supposed to go down "drowsy but awake", it's a myth,

My baby is also 15 weeks. If he's in his cot content then he's left to it unless he's upset. When we go to bed sometimes we lie processing the day before sleeping and they're probably similar. I also get the vibe my DS quite likes the wee bit of time to himself, lying merrily sucking his thumb before trying to sleep.

I think some rocking is a nice wind down, so I’d keep that. I also like white noise and think a dummy is fine. Sounds like she’s doing great.

I’d ditch the shushing and cheek patting.

Everyone I know including myself has always used “sleep crutches” and not had issues later down the line. I really believe drowsy but awake does not work. Sleep is developmental and they will learn to fall asleep, stay asleep and get back to sleep in their own time. So until then I would do what ever works and is quickest to get your child to sleep.
Mine has/had ocean white noise, dummies, shhhing (until 4-5 months old), rocking up until 15 months ish (still gets rocked for his nap at home now as it’s faster but at nursery he goes to sleep himself).
He is 21 months now, goes to sleep by himself in his cot (I do still have to be in the room but doing nothing except comfort with words when he says my name) and then unless ill, sleeps through the night. Baring in mind he was a baby who woke every 2-3 hours until he was just over one.
He learnt to link sleep cycles himself without us doing anything, one day he just started sleeping longer stretches.
certainly past 1 year old, rocking him to sleep and then putting him in his cot never resulted in him waking up an hour or so later and him wondering where he was and needing our assistance. If I’d have done “drowsy but awake” there would be no drowsy just screaming!

Yeah OP the 'drowsy but awake in a cot' is a myth as above poster said- most babies need to be cuddled and rocked by their parents - they are simple not designed that way, they need the comfort of a parent. And I hate to say it it can go on for years of bedsharing, 4 hour bedtimes etc. I drove myself mad when DD was born because she didn't do what the books told me I should be doing. Some kids don't sleep for years. They all learn how to do it on their own time, but need the cuddles in the meantime!

I wouldn't worry about it.. do whatever works and whatever you can manage!

Another agreeing that drowsy but awake isn't a thing for many babies- my DD now nearly 3 was fed to sleep for the first year of her life, not on purpose but she couldn't have her bedtime feed without it putting her to sleep. She now sleeps through perfectly and just has a drink of milk then takes herself up to bed willingly.

My current baby is 16 weeks and she needs quite a lot of help at the moment to get to sleep, she has a bottle then she'll drift off but it can take up to an hour for her to stop randomly waking back up and thrashing around. I know for a fact if I put her in her cot at the first sign of sleepiness she'd be awake again in 20 mins anyway. She wakes once in the night and needs a dummy to get back to sleep. I do probably worry about her sleep more than I should but I've seen from her sister that how much she needed me at bedtime as a baby didn't translate to how much she needs me now.