6 year old sleep, in absolute despair

[AllTheNaps]

Please be gentle with me, first post posting in absolute desperation 😭

My DD6 wakes up every night and has a tantrum for 2-3 hours. We have another DC whose 18 months and I'm due our newborn in the next couple of weeks.

The tantrums range from; I've got tummy ache, my legs hurt, I'm tired, I'm hot. We will keep taking her back to her bed and she will follow us back, as mentioned this lasts for 2-3 hours. If we stay with her in her room until she goes to sleep this will again take 2-3 hour of us sat there/laid there as if she's not tantrumming she'll just toss and turn. DH has severe back pain from doing this most nights. The peak of the tantrum is always that she wants to come into our bed, she has never slept in our bed and we can't start this now with a newborn incoming.

Spoke to school, no underlying issues there at all.

We are exhausted. She is usually more reasonable for DH than me, he's up super early for work in a morning. This has gone on for 5 months. Tried reward charts, taking things away and makes zero difference as she isn't bothered. Gets more than enough attention from us in the day.

Any tips on how to sleep train the most stubborn 6 year old in the world before we both keel over from sleep deprivation? 🙏

So, this is fairly new behaviour? Perhaps it's all aout the new baby that's coming?

I wouldn't be staying up for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night. Is there room for a even a cotbed mattress on your bedroom floor? If there is, I'd be getting one made up for these middle of the night goings on. Let her sleep close to you if it's what she wants and if it what is going to get everyone enough sleep.

As an aside, have you heard of the kids meditations by Christianne Kerr? They're really lovely. Available on Spotify or cd. There's a bit in it where she encourages children to hang any of their worries on a worry tree. Once they have done that, she guides them through a lid friendly, but not silly, meditation. The sleep one is the obvious choice for you, but they're all lovely. Highly recommend.

Sounds tough.

The thing to remember is that she isn't doing this deliberately. She isn't setting an alarm for the middle of the night and then fighting sleep to stay awake for three hours just to spite you, she's obviously having severe problems with her sleep. Looking at it like that you can see why the rewards and punishments aren't working. Have you ever struggled to fall asleep? Do you think someone threatening you would have made sleep come easier?

The first thing I would do is sympathise with her, explain why sleep is so important and then tackle it as a joint concern. You're a team fighting disrupted sleep, not parents dealing with a stubborn child. Ask her why she's waking up (or put a camera in her room and find out). Ask her what she thinks could be done to soothe her/help her settle when she wakes up upset in the night. Listen to her ideas and work to find something that incorporates these (for example, as PP suggested if she wants to be in your bed but that doesn't work, try a camp bed on your floor). During the day work on some mindfulness techniques/relaxation techniques that she can then use in the night. Look to see if there is anything that can be changed in her room or her routine that might help.

It may work to just give her permission to be awake for a bit so she doesn't have the stress of trying to get back to sleep. So, if she wakes let her chill with an audio book/some books/some dolls/teddies and see if she does of better when she isn't trying.

I'd think the easiest thing might be for her to swap with one of the adults when she wakes. The priority is safe sleep.

In a few weeks you will have a newborn who WILL be sleeping in your room so I understand the need to get this nipped in the bud.
I wonder if your dd is maybe taking in conversations around her about the incoming baby. The wider family are bound to be excited (as are you and dh).
As an adult I have periods of waking up and not being able to sleep, tossing and turning, thinking about problems. It's awful and I feel like having a tantrum. I imagine for a six year old it is quite scary and unsettling.
I agree with the camp on the floor if you have room including when baby comes so she doesn't feel excluded. She will soon get over it. Better this than you and dh losing sleep.

Thanks all for the useful suggestions.

Will look up the kids meditation stuff which sounds helpful.

There is room for a mattress if we move out some furniture which is quite impractical but we would. My main issue around this is how much she would be disturbed in the night by the new baby and also the toddler rousing the baby monitor every couple of hours so we're always in and out so not sure she'd get any better sleep. We have done this before which worked for a couple of nights then she just kicked off that she didn't want to sleep on there but in our bed so not sure how successful it would be.

I don't think it's related to new baby incoming as this started a bit of time before she knew I was pregnant. We've asked her why she's waking up, same answer - I don't know 🤦‍♀️

Despite 3 hours of broken sleep last night, I feel a bit better this morning. Had a good (hormonal) cry to DH so now just to dread tonight

Sounds rough. To be honest, it’s not likely to magically resolve with a newborn coming. So I’d be looking a medium term fixes and deal with it properly when baby is sleeping better.

Could your DH have a bed in her room? That way she would get reassurance, DH won’t hurt his back and you & newborn won’t get disturbed.

There must be something waking her up. Is it at a constant time?

Children can hear higher pitched noises than adults so something we would sleep through can wake them eg an owl.

It could also be lights. Are you on a main road? I had a friend who was waking up at the same time every night. One night she and her husband stayed awake talking and she noticed a neighbour leaving for work and the lights hitting the wall.

Does she actually want to sleep in your bed or does she want to not be in her own bed or room?

Do you have enough rooms to try her in a different room?

@sashh no noises, we back onto a field, no untoward lighting coming in.
She seems to want to sleep in our bed (after everything has peaked) but also not want to be in her own bed in her own room. We have a spare room/office although highly doubt she'd entertain it

@AlwaysFreezing tried the Christianne Kerr meditation before bed, just lied next to her on her bedroom floor for ten minutes and it zonked us both out 😅 it's really good

This is probably not popular but our DC started leaving her room a bunch in the middle of the night when she was almost 4. We did 6 weeks of taking her back to bed constantly with no improvement. We were exhausted. Got back from a terrible trip where she was up for hours. We set ground rules on what was ok to get out of bed for: bathroom, scary dreams, or emergencies like fires. She left her room. We took her back in and then held the door closed. She cried for 20 minutes and then fell asleep on the floor. We had no more problems. For us it seemed like she needed the really clear boundary. She was younger though and it hadn’t gone on as long. The crying was awful to hear but she had been crying and everyone had been really upset for weeks before so it felt like it was better for everyone, she went back to getting the rest she needed and wasn’t miserable during the day anymore.