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Original poster

Does co-sleeping really cause negative developmental effects?

52 replies

purpledaze24 · 09/12/2023 23:02

I’m a part-time single parent to a 4-year-old. I only have him half of the week as my ex and I do 50/50. We’re super close and I’ve Co-slept with him since he was about 18 months. We both love Co-sleeping. Going to sleep cuddled up to his warm little body is the best, and it’s extra important to me as I spend half the week away from him. I’ve been seeing/reading a lot recently though that says Co-sleeping can have negative effects in the long-term, like over-dependence on the parent, struggling to become independent, anxiety etc. I plan to do it for as long as he wants to (but will stop before puberty). I’m just wondering if anyone with older kids has Co-slept and seen any of the negative effects I mentioned? (Or any others)? Thanks :)

OP posts:
LorlieS · 09/12/2023 23:48

@MrsSkylerWhite I have 3 kids - 16, 13 and 3.5 years. Have bedshared with all of them until they chose to be in their own beds. Toddler still bedshares overnight with hubby and I. It's actually the norm in many, many cultures.

Hubby and I have a great sex life thanks (despite us being old and knackered!!)

So not sure what you're on about?

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/12/2023 23:50

Ours are 29 and 20. Good for you.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/12/2023 23:52

Note that your youngest was 3.5. OP’s was 4.

VanillaImpulse · 09/12/2023 23:53

What a troll

VanillaImpulse · 09/12/2023 23:54

My kids are a lot more independent than the majority of their peers and both Co- slept. Enjoy every moment.

LorlieS · 09/12/2023 23:54

It would probably be a bit of a squash now then, I mean even if you went superking 😄 🤣 😂 Would have worked when they were smaller though, no?

LBFseBrom · 09/12/2023 23:55

Rubbish. Co-sleeping is perfectly natural and normal. Some cultures have always done it and still do, their kids grow up perfectly all right or at least as 'all right' as anyone else. We in the West have invented taboos about such things, developed rituals for bedtimes, etc, instead of following instincts or considering what the child needs.

Husband and I co-slept with ours for a long time and nothing was amiss. We all slept well too! We did receive some criticism from our parents but carried on regardless.

It doesn't last forever so why worry?

LorlieS · 09/12/2023 23:56

@VanillaImpulse Oh has to be, right?!

maddiemookins16mum · 10/12/2023 00:06

MN is very pro co-sleeping. The usual comments get churned out including the ‘it’s normal in some cultures’. Those cultures usually co-sleep for practical reasons.
I just get the impression that a lot on here co-sleep for their own benefit, rather than the child, someone recently wanted to take her wain into her bed for a ‘sleepover’ because her partner was away.
Then you get the partners/dads/husbands banished to the sofa or kids bed so the child can kip in with mum.
Everyone is of course entitled to their own view, I just feel everyone sleeps better in their own beds.

EmpressoftheMundane · 10/12/2023 00:38

There is absolutely no harm in cosleeping. It is likely to benefit the child making them feel more secure.

The only reason to stop is if it doesn’t work for you or the child. As you can see, some posters really don’t feel comfortable with it. So for their families, it doesn’t work.

gotomomo · 10/12/2023 00:40

Totally normal in many cultures. Dd2 coslept until 7 year is a well adjusted successful adult now with no issues!

Diamondshmiamond · 10/12/2023 00:51

Completely natural, don't worry at all.

I don't think some people read your post properly OP. SIDS is infants, not 4 year old (and not more likely when Co sleeping is done safely), and you said you're a single parent so presumably not wanting to have sex all night while dc is there.

I still bedshare when dc want to, youngest is 7 and will come in in the mornings. Enjoy it while you can!

imnotwhoyouthinkiam · 10/12/2023 00:56

DS2 slept in with me until he was 9. He started the night in his own bed, ended up in mine.

He's also a highly anxious teenager. But I don't think the 2 are related. He was actually very very outgoing until about 3 years ago. Around the time covid hit actually, so I suspect that's the cause. Not the Co-sleeping.

theprincessthepea · 10/12/2023 01:34

I coslept with my daughter. I tried to get her into her own bed but she kept climbing into bed with me until the age of 6/7 and I was a lone parent so I didn’t really put a lot of effort into putting her back in her own bed.

Now that she is a tween, we are close but I’d say that’s down to parenting style and conversations as opposed to co-sleeping - and I’m sure covid played a role. She has her boundaries. Slept in her own bed from the age of about 8. She is as independent as her friends and is doing well at school.

Noicant · 10/12/2023 04:49

Could be that children who are more anxious prefer co-sleeping rather than co-sleeping causes anxiety.

allitdoesisrain · 10/12/2023 06:15

I haven't noticed any of this in my older children and they all co-slept till about 3.5 years. There is some anxiety in a couple of them but I think they inherited this from their father who has an anxiety disorder (these things can be genetic), and who didn't co-sleep with his parents ever. I co-slept with my parents and it never did me any harm. No anxiety and I'm quite independent.

MrsDooDaa · 10/12/2023 08:01

I don't understand how cosleeping works in practice if you have multiple children. The beds aren't big enough. How do you all get sleep? When my DD periodically woke in the night as a toddler she would come in with us but there wasn't enough room for us all to get a good night's sleep.

Soontobe60 · 10/12/2023 08:08

If a child sleeps better and doesn’t disturb their parent’s sleep, then there’s not really an issue. However, neither of my children shared our bed because they would keep us awake all night with their constant moving around!
I think the comment about enjoying cuddling up to a child in bed could be interpreted in different ways though.

Zonder · 10/12/2023 08:09

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/12/2023 23:37

This site is mad. Most children sleep in their own beds from 18 months or so.

Whatever you tell yourselves 😁

Says the lone voice 😆

SIDS not an issue here given that it started when the child was 18m and now they're 4!

@purpledaze24 the only thing I would say is do you have a bed set up and nice for your DC? I would do that and maybe even sometimes encourage play or relaxing in there so he has a valid choice and deciding one day not to co sleep isn't a big thing.

Mumtime2 · 10/12/2023 08:15

Do what suits you and your child.
Not some current ideals or book for quick buck theories.

distinctpossibility · 10/12/2023 08:15

We co-sleep so we have a super-king bed and DH sometimes goes into the spare room or sometimes I go in with one or more of the kids. We also have a foldy out bed for on our floor if more than 2 need to bedshare that night.

It does not increase the risk of SIDS if done safely - 29 years ago when @MrsSkylerWhite had her eldest it was very much the thought that it did but the studies were based on things like unintentional "co sleeping" on sofas / when caregivers are drunk. Even though my kids are much older than SIDS age we only ever bedshare in a bed with fitted sheets and light layers of bedding. https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/ is a good resource as is this from Unicef https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/07/Co-sleeping-and-SIDS-A-Guide-for-Health-Professionals.pdf

Anyway massively agree with having chickens and eggs the wrong way round - bedsharing doesn't create clingy/ anxious children, it's a coping strategy for clingy/anxious / neurodivergent / ill kids.

Anyway crack on OP if you're happy bedsharing occasionally or permanently. I'm sure you'll adapt if and when it stops working for you both.

Co-sleeping - The Lullaby Trust

Some parents choose to share a bed (known as co-sleeping) with their babies. Read our advice on how to co-sleep more safely.

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping

OneCup · 10/12/2023 08:49

I haven't come across research that says it's bad but I'll admit I haven't kept up to date the last few years.
I think cosleeping becomes a problem if it bothers the parents. Since you seem happy with it, I'd say stick with it.

Simonjt · 10/12/2023 08:54

We bed share with an eight year old and a two year old, despite both having an awful start to life they are both meeting age appropriate milestones and age appropriate levels of independence.

allhellcantstopusnow · 10/12/2023 09:02

Mine was in my bed from newborn to 6. She moved herself out when she was ready. Ten years later she's staunchly independent, has had no weird attachment issues, no anxiety issues and we get on just fine.

LemonPeonies · 10/12/2023 09:31

@MrsSkylerWhite my 4yo has his own little bed right next to ours, ends up in our bed next to me by the morning so kind of Co sleeping, was in our bed from a baby. He's always slept well, can take himself to bed when tired etc. Developmentally he's absolutely fine and children who know they can rely on you actually end up being more independent when older. On the sex thing, me and my partner obviously never have sex with him next to us but we work shifts so find time during the day when lo is at preschool 😁

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