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Sleep

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Original poster

Am I failing as a mum?

17 replies

AnxiousAnnie94 · 30/11/2023 09:32

Hi, long post...

I need some help/advice/tips/experience please...

My baby boy is 22 weeks and hasn't ever slept through the night. He has reflux- please don't come at me with the 'you need to find the root cause of reflux- we honestly have explored every avenue, he has a gut imbalance. He was on omeprazole, but over the last 2 weeks, have taken him off the omeprazole as it was causing severe constipation, but clearly his reflux is still there as he has started being sick again and back arching again. However, I am not sure if this is causing the sleeping issue I am having or not.

He is breastfed and is more of a 'snacker', he has 4-5 minutes every 1-1.5 hours in the day.
He used to wake every 2 hours in the night but for the last 2/3 weeks has been waking every 30-45 minutes, if I'm lucky it will be every hour. But even in the time he is asleep, he's not going into a deep sleep and is thrashing about, so I am not able to get to sleep as I'm a real light sleeper. He will eventually decide that 6-7am is time to be awake and not go back to sleep 🙃 this would be fine if I'd had a decent night's sleep.

Napping in the day time is awful too. I try and follow wake windows, he goes about 1.5 hours until we try and sit down for a nap, anymore than this and he gets really grouchy, but it takes him SO long to fall asleep- this is on me- I've tried laying him down to fall asleep and he just won't, he can be as drowzy as anything and as soon as I put him down, he is wide awake and just screams. When he finally falls asleep for a nap, he will sleep for half an hour and wake up- he has 4-5 of these a day.

This is where I need help. We have had the same routine since he was 8 weeks old. Bath at 7.15pm, bottle at 7.45pm and then get into his sleep bag, lights off and sit on me where I will rock him. I used to be able to put him down and he would soothe himself to sleep, I now can't do this. It takes me about 1 hour to get him to sleep every night and he is waking within 20 minutes. He then gets back to sleep with me and will sleep for another hour.
Each time in the night that he wakes, I give him his dummy, usually he spits it straight back out, I then pat his tummy and shuush, but this hasn't ever worked, I then pick him up, I offer him boob which 9 times out of time he takes, will feed and then falls back to sleep where I then put him back in his next to me and he then sleeps for up to an hour and then we repeat the same process. There are some times when he doesn't want boob and will turn his head away and then I have to rock him to sleep and it takes ages. Sometimes he wakes up and just starts 'chatting' like he thinks it's morning.

I am just at my wits end and feel like I'm failing as a mum. His cry is so triggering to me and I can't leave him to cry as I feel like the worst mum ever, especially knowing he has reflux and maybe he is in pain.

Please help. What am I doing wrong. What else can I do? Why is he waking so much? Why does he want so much milk- baring in mind he only has 5 mins (ish) each time, but that's the same in the day.

The health visitor and paediatric consultant have suggested early weaning and I feel like I'm going to have to try this now as it's the only thing I haven't tried.

Sorry for the long post, thank you if you have read this far. I am just weak/ feel poorly all the time because I am so tired and just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Likeaburstcouch · 30/11/2023 09:37

You're not failing, you're just very tired. It will get better.
Would you try co-sleeping? With both of ours we co-slept from about 4 months to 9 months, then did sleep training following a book.

DustyLee123 · 30/11/2023 09:42

You say he’s breast fed, but then mention bottle before bed, so what is he having?

LucyInTheParkWithDragons · 30/11/2023 09:44

Darling, cosleep. You’re not failing, you just have a baby who likes to be close to you x

bigpawsjames · 30/11/2023 09:51

Put him back on the omeprazole and address the constipation

peachgreen · 30/11/2023 09:53

DD was exactly like this. She had a dairy allergy. She gulped milk because it soothed the pain but that made the reflux and pain worse so it was a vicious cycle. She was a different baby once we went dairy free.

MrsKaty · 30/11/2023 10:13

I don't have any advice, sorry (except to ignore what you should do and do what works). I'm just here to say: You're not failing. You aren't. I promise.

josephinebonaparted · 30/11/2023 12:03

Absolutely not failing. It’s because you are an amazing mum that it’s so hard - if you weren’t you wouldn’t care enough to do all you can for your son.

can I ask if there is a reliable way your son does sleep? Car? Pram? If so I think he needs to catch up on sleep as he may well be chronically overtired if he’s only catnapping and sleeping one hour stretches in the night. I’d spend a few days doing whatever it takes to get him to catch up.

secondly, the feeding. It’s not ideal for him to snack at the boob - besides the demand on you, it’s also not helping him getting the rich hindmilk he needs for calories, so he might be genuinely waking from hunger. What’s his solid intake like? If it’s good then you might need to cold turkey boob on a part time basis - eg boobs only out at 7am, 11am, 3pm and 7pm. That should encourage him to take larger and longer feeds.

thirdly, re. Sleep, you might not like hearing this but he probably has a very strong boob sleep association - ie if I don’t have boob in my mouth, it’s not safe and I mustn’t fall asleep. Once he’s caught up on sleep deficit, and once he’s taking bigger feeds so you know his not hungry, you could encourage him to change to a better for you sleep association. This could be patting, holding/contact, dummy, white noise etc etc. or it could be outright nothing, which would be close to sleep training. Either way, you can ensure that he IS safe when he goes to sleep, and in time he will also understand that the environment you are providing is safe. Give him the best chance of success - full, burped, enough awake window, full darkness, quiet (or white noise), and most importantly, consistency - no changing tact from rocking to dummy to white noise halfway through the settle or over several settles. He will be upset because he doesn’t know how to sleep without a boob, but frankly it sounds like he isn’t that happy to sleep now so it isn’t much worse.

stick to it and it will get better. Sending lots of love.

josephinebonaparted · 30/11/2023 12:06

Sorry just saw he isn’t old enough for weaning. In that case it might be cold turkey - try stretching the feeds to 2 hours at least to begin with, then 2.5, then 3. At his age an appropriate feed would be around 6-8 times a day, so 3-4 hours apart.

josephinebonaparted · 30/11/2023 12:09

i hate babies crying too - but if you are holding him upright for the reflux, and distracting him in the day, he might be ok to grizzle for 30minutes to stretch the feeds…

Original poster

AnxiousAnnie94 · 30/11/2023 14:03

@DustyLee123 expressed milk at bed

OP posts:

Original poster

AnxiousAnnie94 · 30/11/2023 14:05

@bigpawsjames he was on maximum lactulose dose 4 times a day as well as cooled boiled water, massage etc, it wasn't helping and 17 days of no poo and severe constipation was no better than reflux

OP posts:

TwinkleStarWhatAre · 30/11/2023 14:11

I say this in every thread about breastfed babies and unsettled tummies because it affected both of mine - do not have caffeine. Even a tiny bit. That's obvious sources like tea, coffee or coke but even things like chocolate. Just avoid it all.

With my first i also couldnt have any dairy either.

Something to try. It's so hard. You're not failing. You're doing amazing

drad · 30/11/2023 20:52

This sounds like allergy to me. Dairy is common but he sounds like my friends baby who had CMPA as well as an egg and soy allergy. She cut all this out of her diet and she was caffeine free for years but he only improved once he'd been on a hypoallergenic formula for 2 weeks. Completely different baby then. He's now 2 and shes done all the dairy, egg and soy ladders and he has a "normal" diet

cossmoss · 30/11/2023 22:11

I'm so sorry, this sounds so difficult. You're not failing, it sounds like you're doing amazingly.
To echo others who mention CMPA - this also does sound like my nephew as a baby who has CMPA.
Just to say to maybe query/research the early weaning advice - I have read that it can cause allergies and intolerances and can have other health implications.

LauraC1984 · 01/12/2023 00:02

I'm sure you would have tried all of these things and my LG was bottle fed so slightly different but we had this for months on end so I really get your struggles and feel for you so much!
I used Gaviscon sachets in bottles which really helped but she was still sick a lot and even after weaning we used the sachets until she was almost a year old. My LO also didn't sleep at all, she would be awake all night and only sleep if she was held which was would destroying at times! I just persevered with the next to me on the highest tilt possible which did mean she ended up down the end of the cot with her knees bent by the morning but at least we got some sleep lol!
The only way I managed to get any sleep was to play white noise through Alexa, we use Rainforest Sounds and I hated it for so long but she's just turned three and we still listen to it because it works for us! Interestingly my daughter is now being assessed on the ASD pathway and still doesn't sleep particularly well, I hope you manage to get some good proper sleep sooner than me! Good luck, I really feel for you! xx

Original poster

AnxiousAnnie94 · 01/12/2023 07:28

@drad
I am vegan so he has never had egg or dairy and I cut out caffeine and soya when he was 2 weeks old. I also tried going gluten free too incase it was that 😭

OP posts:

NancyMaloni · 01/12/2023 07:37

It will get better! You sound like a great mum x

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