Ferber/Controlled Crying

[SunnyDazeYellowMaze]

Has anyone done this but picked up their baby during each visit, rather than leaving the baby in the cot? I think my little boy would find this more reassuring than me just patting him or talking to him, but don’t know whether this will ruin the effectiveness?

I’ve also considered PU/PD or gradual retreat but think he would find it more frustrating… He cries a lot whenever put in his cot awake (as soon as he’s put down!) whether or not me or DH are there to comfort him - if anything, he looks at us as if to say “why aren’t you picking me up?!”.

He’s 9 months but I think we’re over the 8 month sleep regression.

Is that not the same as PUPD? I used Ferber and didn't pick up and it worked. I think you can choose whatever method but the key is to be consistent..

The thing with picking them up is that it sends mixed messages and they'll be disappointed when you put them back down again.

Have you tried leaving him but making sure he can hear you? This worked wonders for DD. After I'd put her in her cot I would say 'I'm going to tidy the kitchen now' and then go and clatter around in the kitchen or I'd hang washing up on the landing outside her room. That way they know you are there and sometimes that's enough for them to relax and drop off.

How did you fine Ferber and how old was your baby? I thought PUPD you stayed in the room…

That’s a great idea - I’ll give that a try!

@SunnyDazeYellowMaze I did 2/4/5/8/10 min intervals where I would go in and shush and pat when she would cry. She was 7 months. It worked well.

We started sleep training on Friday (Ferber) and we did pick our 8 month up to reassure her and then put her back down. It worked really well for us and funnily enough, after having a quick cuddle she would go to sleep much quicker. I think they just like to know that you're there. Good luck with the sleep training and just do what feels right for you and your family. If you stick with it and you'll see results very very quickly.

We did jo frost which is basically Ferber and I don’t think we did pick up but we did spend time settling rather than the quick “in and out” approach.

That’s really helpful, thank you. How long did it take you on the first night? Any tips gratefully received!

I don't want to get your hopes up as every baby is different but it took a lot quicker than we expected. I was prepared for 30+ mins of crying, possibly even an hour but it took 9 mins of crying and then a further 3 mins of DD silently shuffling around the cot until she finally fell asleep. Woke up once on the first night for a feed and then took another 12 mins of crying and then more silent shuffling before falling asleep. Second night was just 40 seconds of crying and each night since there have been no tears. We're so glad we did it after having approx 9 wake ups per night.

Naps, however, have been a different story and we're not seeing a reduction in tears yet. Takes around 8-15 mins of hysterical crying before falling asleep, but she's sleeping for a lot longer now as she's linking sleep cycles. I just hope we see less crying for naps soon as I hate it and feel like giving up and nursing instead, but I know it's counterproductive now to do that. Any more questions, just let me know x

Sorry I didn't give any tips! Stick with it and follow the plan - you will honestly see big improvements very quickly for night time sleep. Don't go in too quickly if they seem to be settling, give them a moment to see if they fall asleep. Agree beforehand if you're going to night wean as well and how you're going to do it. If you're not night weaning, then ensure you go in straight away if they wake when they'd usually have their night feed (they'll be hungry and will just cry and cry). For naps, set yourself a plan if they wake up earlier than expected (i.e. get them up or try sleep training again). Also make yourself a big cup of tea and ensure you have support around you, it's not easy hearing your baby cry x

@CurlyChoi Thank you so much - so good to hear and I bet you were so pleased with the progress! Also interesting as I’m BF too and wondered if that would make it harder. I’m gearing myself up for up to two hours… How did you get your little one to sleep before the training? What intervals did you use? Sorry for all the questions! Thanks again x

I would always bf DD to sleep or my husband would walk her to sleep. Then we'd keep her on our chest for 10 mins plus to ensure she was asleep before transferring to the cot. But every time she woke up, she'd cry out for us as she wanted to be held all night. It was getting to the point where she was being held for 6hrs a night between me and my husband, it just wasn't sustainable. You might find it easier to bf first, then get your partner to read a bedtime story and then let them put the baby down. That way they won't be expecting to get milk for you.

In terms of intervals, first night we did 3 mins and then was going to go in after 5 but she was settling down. Second night she fell asleep after 40 seconds but she did wake in the night and we gave her 5 mins. They say you should do 3/5/10/10 first night and then 5/10/12/12 the second night. But you can do whatever intervals you want, as long as they increase gradually. So just do what you're comfortable with. And honestly, feel free to ask more questions as I know how you're feeling right now

Thanks so much @CurlyChoi - it feels
so hard to take the plunge, but I know the current situation is not sustainable. It’s actually very similar to yours pre-training - he just wants to be held all night. I don’t feed him to sleep at the start of the night -
one of us usually rocks him then hold him a while before putting him down. If we put him in his cot awake (even when tired) he just cries. After the first wake up, I feed him to sleep, but he won’t then sleep in his cot for more than one sleep cycle. After the first sleep cycle and a re-settling, it’s usually less than 10 mins until he wakes crying again (which is way less than the time it takes to settle him and hold him to make sure he’s properly asleep!).

I’m not sure I can hack intervals of more than 5 mins, so need to figure out intervals that work for us but still increase and aren’t too stimulating… I’m just so worried about traumatising DS but not sure what else to do. I think anything gentler will just confuse him (e.g. if I stay in the room but don’t pick him up) and even though I’m resorting to bedsharing in the early hours, he still wakes up frequently and I still don’t really get any sleep!

We did similar to Ferber, at around 7 months. The first two nights were awful, and I really struggled listening to him cry. They took about 30 mins each night to fall asleep then he still had a couple of wake ups during the night. I just did 3 minute intervals though as I could never leave him longer than that. I patted his tummy and 'ssshhhed'. It made such a huge difference to sleep train and we are so glad we did it. He is getting a much better night's sleep now and wakes up well rested, previously up what felt like all night! It's hard work, but you can do it.

@Myfairytalecametrue That’s helpful to read - thank you. Did you do the same intervals on nights 1 and 2?

I think you can do whatever you like, but consistency is important.
I did 2,4,6,6,6 minutes with my dd.

My ds seemed to find this short interval too upsetting at 2 mins. I did 4,7,11 with him but have only ever got to 11 minutes once.

Also I wish I had done it earlier with dd as I had months of now sleep. She is 5 now and not traumatised!

Yes we stuck to 3 mins every night. Never did more than that.

@Brilliantlydone that’s really helpful - thank you! Shows that different things work for different babies. As mine is 9 months, I’m worried I’ve left it a bit late as he’s so used to being rocked to sleep

You definitely haven't left it late. I did it at 13 months with my dd and 9 months with Ds. Good luck!