5 year old bedtime and sleep hell

[HappyValleyFan1]

Our daughter is 5 (almost 6) always been an early riser 5/5:30am. We've learnt to live with that.

We have always had to stay in the room with her until she goes to sleep which hasn't been a problem before.
About 3 months ago we told her we would stay in her room for 5 minutes then leave, which went quite well until this last 3 weeks.

I think she is anxious about going to sleep as has all the signs of heart racing, sweating palms etc but she kicks off big time. She fidgets, cries, screams, wails and kicks out. This generally goes on for about 1.5 hours before she'll calm down and go to sleep. So she's only having about 8 hours sleep a night.

We've tried to talk to her at various times about what's worrying her but she just constantly says she doesn't know. I have tried breathing techniques with her before it escalates to no avail and she becomes obstructive. I think it's a bit of being genuinely scared of something and also playing up. Any advice is welcome. I am hoping by the time she is 6 we'll be able to crack it so she can fall asleep in her own room by herself.

Luckily our toddler is ok at bedtime now but DC3 will be arriving next year and she can't take up both mine and DHs time single evening

could it be she is feeling threatened by the new baby? To be honest if she is actually scared I would go back to going to sleep with her. Does she have an audio book-?

It sounds like you're trying to be very conscientious by explaining everything to her. I'd stop doing that though. The technique that works as far as sleep, in my experience, is to behave very, very calmly and confidently and not talk.

Also wear her out earlier in the evening (not too close to bedtime or her heart-rate and temperature will still be up) by doing something physical.

What I mean is, have a ritual with her that's the same every night. Always go to bed at the exact same time (our bodies work on schedules and after a while, her body may expect to sleep at her bedtime). Keep things very quiet and calm. Help her get undressed and get into bed, then quietly leave the room.

If she gets upset, return after a few minutes but don't talk (much). Say "you're OK," pat her on the hand, and leave. Keep going it every (maybe) 10 - 15 minutes until she nods off. Don't get excited or loud for any reason. Act like her behaviour is completely normal.

It may take a week or two or three, but I think things will improve if you can get into a routine like this.

@Namechange800 I'm pretty early on so she doesn't know about potential new baby yet 😬 we've got her a Tonies box for her upcoming birthday so I'm hoping to get a few bedtime themes Tonies for it in the hope they help 🙏

@Antst yes we are guilty of perhaps having too much fun close to bedtime which mainly involves her brother chasing her around. It's the only time we get to spend as a family together in the week so it's hard. A calmer lead up to bedtime is a good idea though. We've always been very routine driven, same time bedtime etc. Will agree on a methodology with DH and go from there 🙂

@HappyValleyFan1, I wonder if you could do the running around as soon as everyone walks in the door.

I find I can't exercise at night or I can't sleep. So now I go to the gym in the morning. I wonder if you could possibly fit in some running around then or do something active as soon as everyone walks in the door at 5 pm.

Hope you can sort it out, but even if you can't figure out how to schedule active time together right now, it won't be long before she can handle a later bedtime and you'll be able to resume! Good luck.

We have always had to stay in the room with her until she goes to sleep which hasn't been a problem before.

So go back to this...it seems the obvious answer?! She's scared and doesn't want to be alone as she goes to sleep

Am I misreading what you've written?

Your DD is only 5yo and is scared to be alone at bedtime, she wants one of her parents to be with her until she falls asleep and then she sleeps through the night I presume?

You then suddenly said you'll only stay 5 minutes.. why?

Can you do gradual retreat

So Be in room

Sit on bed

Sit by bed

Sit in middle of room

Sit by door

Sit just outside door

I agree. I don't understand why all of a sudden it's an issue to stay with her 🤔

It's an issue as think op has finally had enough of Laying there while their eldest goes to sleep

They have a toddler and a baby is due and in 5/6mths time mum won't be able to lie there for hours till she goes to sleep

So biting the bullet so to speak to crack way before baby is here

She is nearly 6

Needs to learn to fall asleep on her own
But isn't happening the way op is now doing it as dd gets worked up /over tired and doesn't settle

Hence gradual retreat I find works well

Or pipo as I call it - pop in. Pop out often