21 month old wakes up crying every night and wakes up brother!

[Wep405]

Hi - help please! My daughter is almost 2 years old, and on and off for about 6 months she wakes up around 3-4am for an hour crying. Myself or my husband goes to her room after a quarter of an hour, hold her until she settles, and after leaving she cries again, I or my husband go down again for the second time and settle her again. Her brother (age 5) used to be able to sleep through this in the bedroom next door, but he’s now waking up due to her crying and he looks shattered going to school 😞
She naps up to 2 hours around 12.30pm and goes to bed at 7. We’ve tried co-sleeping but she’s never fallen asleep with us so have stopped that tactic. Any advice please? Thanks x

When our youngest went through a similar stage, in the end, we brought their toddler bed into our room. The second they cried out, I could reach my arm out and stroke them. It helped them feel more secure I think as I suspect they had to cry for longer to wake us up from a different room. It was hard at the time as the disturbance in sleep was hard but lookng back from a place of having lots of lovely full nights’ sleep, it was a phase that is long behind us now.

A toddler is going to be very distressed and worked up after 15 minutes of crying alone. I’m all for giving them a minute or two to see if they’ll quickly drop back off again by themself but a quarter of an hour is a really long time to leave a very young child crying.

From her point of view, she’s crying for a long time until someone comes to her and then once she’s calmed down a bit she’s being left again so I’m not surprised that she starts crying again. Can you put a bed in her room so that your or your husband can sleep in there once she wakes up in the night? She may settle very quickly if she’s reassured that someone’s with her (I am assuming when you say Co sleeping doesn’t work you mean sleeping in one bed together rather than just sleeping in the same room as her). I quite often do this with my three year old. It’s not forever.

To be honest, I think it’s unnecessarily complicating things to put a bed in her room. Just go to her when you hear her?

Why are you leaving her to cry for 15 minutes? Just go to her when she wakes up. Letting her get more upset won't help her get back to sleep. You're so close to the end of the crying at night phase, bring her to bed with you, stay up with her, whatever it takes. You can't have your 5 year old woken up by an hour of crying every night, it's not fair on either of them.

Oh god OP I have two kids the same age and we’re still getting night wakings. Maybe get your 5 yr old a white noise machine? I also shut mines doors and put a towel between the door frame and floor to try and muffle the noise.

I leave 15 minutes each time as this is what I was suggested by a HV. I did used to go in straight away at the beginning, but was told that I should leave it a while longer just in case she falls back asleep (which has happened). I have also seen posts on here about leaving a wider gap before going in to comfort so that is why I’ve done this.

@Wep405 i also leave mine to fuss for a bit to see if he’ll settle back down because sometimes he does! I don’t really see it as a big deal. I know he’s safe in his cot and you can always check the camera to see if there’s a problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think leaving a child that long is only going to result in a very worked up child, who’s going to take longer to settle and feel more anxious about being left again because she knows that she’ll have to wait a very long time for you to come back again.

I really don’t want to come across as though I’m sticking the boot in- I have enormous amounts of sympathy for you as broken sleep is really debilitating. But I don’t think leaving her to cry alone for 15 minutes is likely to solve the problem of her crying for an hour in the middle of the night and I also don’t think it’s fair on her.

I would try a different approach of going into her much more quickly when she gets upset. I would try to settle her in her cot if possible, but with physical touch such as stroking her back so that she knows you’re there with her. I’d do that until she was asleep and then gradually over a period of weeks I’d try a “gradual retreat” style method where you start going in but just having a still hand on her back. Then just sitting next to her. With the aim of building up to just very quickly going into her room when she wakes and saying “it’s still night time, sweety, back to sleep” and leaving the room whilst she’s still awake (but not if she’s distressed). I think if your daughter starts to feel reassured that someone will come to her quickly when she wakes in the night, that waking up might feel a bit less scary for her.

That all takes a lot of work and effort, which is the last thing you want when you’re knackered. Which is why my first suggestion was to put a bed in her room if you can. Path of least resistance. Good luck with whatever you try

It's not necessarily a big deal to let them cry a bit, but if she's getting worked up and waking her brother up, it's clearly not working.

End of the day, she's only little and if she's waking your 5 year old up, you need to stop that even if that means you are disturbed a bit more.

I just go and sleep with my toddlers because I'm lazy and I know it won't be for much longer.