Help! Are my expectations unrealistic?

[JayCee14]

Hello. Happy Saturday! How Saturday nights have changed…
I’m a FTM and looking for some guidance please.
I’m very sleep deprived after a rough 10 days of sleep with my 13 week old. She was sleeping fine up until then- usually a 4/5 hour stretch, up for a feed (EBF) and then would fall asleep on me post feed and I’d pop her back into her cot in our room and she’d sleep another 2 hours, have a feed and then do another 1.5-2 hours. Since about 10 days ago, she is harder to settle to sleep in first place (she was falling asleep post feed before), is waking every two hours (or more…grim) and won’t be placed down in her cot once asleep no matter how much white noise/ shushing/ patting/ legs down first etc I try.

Is this the four month sleep regression? And if so, what do I do?! I’m reading conflicting things about putting baby down awake. Is it too early for her to be able to self settle, albeit with aids from us i.e. hand on chest etc.

Day time sleep has improved after I’ve majorly focused on wake windows (she does about 3.5 hours of daytime naps) but she does her best sleep in a sling or carrier. Screams in the pram and also in the car until eventually falling asleep. I sometimes get a 30 min first nap in the cot during day if I have the energy to attempt it.

We have a consistent bedtime routine of bath, massage, book, feed and then bouncing/ rocking to sleep. The problem is she doesn’t always sleep between 7/8pm-10pm when she eventually goes down in her cot for the night (post feed.) I feel like I spend my evenings attempting sleep which either lasts twenty minutes or not at all and then I end up feeding to sleep anyway.

This is now a ramble and I don’t even know what I’m asking anymore…basically, am I being unrealistic to expect a 7/8pm bedtime from a 13 week old and should I start to focus on the elusive putting baby down awake situation?

Thanks for reading this far and solidarity to everyone else running on empty!

Some babies do settle early in the evening but others just take a bit longer to get there. Very normal for a tricky time at this age as there’s a huge growth spurt - it’s part of the reason that babies started weaning onto solids at this age. They also become very aware of their surroundings age a bit nosey. I put mine down in their cots from around this age.

A little early for the 4 month regression - if you go through it, it’s every sleep cycles so every 45 minutes. I always tried to give the opportunity to self settle but would ultimately prioritise good naps as a big believer of sleep equals more sleep… overtired babies are just no fun!!

What I've found is that whenever you think you've cracked it and you've got a routine and you know what to expect - they change 😂

Grit your teeth and do whatever you need to do to survive. Don't worry about arbitrary things like whether they can fall asleep on their own etc - they'll do it in their own time. Follow any cues/clues they give you and hope for the best.

@tensmumsnot Thank you for replying. When you say you put them in their cots, do you mean awake? Did you slowly wean off settling methods and they eventually got the hang? Thank you!

I could have written this post! Commenting for solidarity, but also because I need all the advice.

@LusaBatoosa oh gosh I’m sorry. Sending love! I fed to sleep at 9, got her in the cot at 940 and felt so elated only for her to wake at 1020. Husband then spent an hour getting her to sleep, attempting to put her down, repeat, she did 30 mins in cot and now I’m feeding her again…pray she goes down and stays down in the cot!
Do you have any support nearby so you can catch up on sleep during day? It’s tough isn’t it. I keep telling myself it’s a phase but dear god it’s hard when it’s pre midnight and you already feel done in.

Mine went to sleep at half 10 and has already woken twice. Currently holding him as he snoozes cherubically. Worried that if I attempt to put him in cot, he will awaken and shout at me.

My husband does as much as he can, but I’m the one with the boobs, unfortunately. ☹️

I thought we had nighttime sleep down. He’s always gone to sleep later than I’d like, but was doing 9.30/10pm till 2am, then half 4 and half 6 wake ups. I could cope with that. Now we’re all over the place. He’s also started rolling, so I can’t swaddle him, which isn’t helping. 🫤

Do you have the Wonder Weeks app? I’ve found it quite helpful. This is apparently the fussy period for Leap 3.

Your expectations are too high.
My first slept through until teething when he woke up all the time. He had long naps though.
My second woke up every hour until 3 years old and didn't nap long 😭

@LusaBatoosa Sounds like such a similar pattern to me. I had the audacity at the time to say “I’d really love just one wake up” but what I’d give for that pattern back! I find if you get one four hour chunk of sleep plus extra broken bits then you feel more human. I’m missing the four hour chunks.

Oh god that’s the worst when they’re asleep and you’re not! I hope the transfer works if you try. I have the same and will attempt transfer soon when she’s in a deep sleep. This is really making me consider co sleeping which I never thought I’d do but I cannot continue on no sleep and safely function. Let’s hope our minis snap out of it as soon as they snapped into hating being put down.

I’ve got the wonder weeks app and it’s leap four for us. (She was ten days overdue) When I got the notification “your baby is entering a fussy phase” my heart sunk. However I have since done some research into the wonder weeks (should have done this before I paid for the app!) and apparently the research the Dr behind it did has been disproven so pinch of salt required I think.

sending good vibes for the “put down” and hope you get some sleep.

@Disturbia81 I think my key lesson from parenthood so far is LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS. I also need to stop comparing to others.

Gosh that sounds so tough - every hour until they were 3. How did you get through?!

I just lived in a bubble those few years where I lowered my expectations everywhere else too, so the house wasn't a priority, I was in pjs/slobs most of the time and I ate a lot of sugar and carbs to keep going! It was about survival.
Then he literally turned 3, all teeth through and something just settled, straight into full nights and never woken up in the night since. I got myself back after that. Clean house, slim, job etc

@Disturbia81 You are superwoman!

so I always started with the same routine for naps and at some point they recognised the cues and knew it was time to sleep. They don’t know how to fall asleep on their own or to sleep when they’re tired so it’s about encouraging those skills.

I watched the wake time religiously and would always do the nap routine and put into the cot awake and settle in the cot as much as possible - white noise, patting etc.

it took a couple of weeks id say before they got it but I could then put down and leave the room and they’d go to sleep.

I used to do the last nap of the day in the pushchair as I wanted that to be familiar too.

Aww thankyou, I de-aged when he started sleeping! I thought that was just how I looked now 😂 but sleep reversed it. Hope it improves for you soon

@tensmumsnot This is super helpful thank you. I’ll definitely start trying this. Today’s win is that she slept in her cot for her first nap 🙌🏻 she was put down asleep but small steps. It’s such a rollercoaster this motherhood lark!