13 month old won't self settle!

[steadyaswego]

Hi everyone! FTM here and would really appreciate some advice .. I'm officially exhausted 😩

My wonderful DS is almost 13 months. In his room he has a sofa which we will have a bottle and a book, after and within 10mins he falls asleep there cuddling into me before I transfer him to his cot. The problem is he wakes fussing at around 1:30am every single night and will be up every hour following and will not settle unless I'm laying next to him on the sofa, once hes asleep again he goes back in his cot. However by the time it's 3am he will cry if I even attempt to put him back in his cot so it means I'm awake from 3am until he wakes between 6:30/7am.

His routine is awake 6:30/7, first nap at 10 for 1hr. Nap at 2pm for 1hr30, sometimes 2hrs. Bed at 7:30/8pm
He has a pitch black room, white noise, he won't take a dummy or a comforter.
Also ruled out reflux/hunger etc.

I won't do CIO or co sleeping. Co sleeping puts the fear of God into me after my sister died from SIDS when I was a teenager. So it is an absolute no go. If we are in the same sleep space, I am always awake .. hence the exhaustion ...

I understand i have caused this and I have created all of these habits and associations .. but I am learning and just want to do what is best for my LO. if anyone has any advice to help me to get him to sleep through the night, or most of it, I'd be so grateful 😊

Well, my suggestion was going to be cosleeping.
As I understand it, cosleeping isn't connected to SIDS.

Could he have the longer nap in the morning and only 30min in the afternoon? I did this with mine when she was still taking two naps and it made her tired enough for the night.

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy Thanks for your reply! I have just always associated it with SIDS and the HVs I'd spoken too when DS was little agreed it was unsafe and a risk, it's just not in a realm of comfort for me to do

@Olika worth a try! I'll see how he goes tomorrow 😊

Its hard. I think you're just Gona have to be exhausted for a while. Are you back to work? Can you take annual leave whilst the little one is at nursery and catch up on sleep. You do need to ensure a good night sleeps every now and then.
I've been there, done that and it just becomes unmanageable.
You will have to try a sleep training method - I liked the book 'the baby sleep solution" by Lucy Wolfe. Maybe good and see what you think

Work on getting him to fall asleep in his cot put him in it for the story so he goes in awake and look at gradual withdrawal.
He's been taught to sleep with you so wakes up and youur not there.

The Lullaby trust says it's not ideal but give advice to those insisting on doing it that reduces the risk.

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy I've been working since he was 12wks old, I'm lucky to get to work from home so LO hasn't needed to start nursery yet but it also means I work during his nap times and late into the night. I stupidly never even considered AL but yes will absolutely do this! And looking into the book now :) thanks!

@jannier thanks will try that idea tomorrow 👍🏼

Does he get plenty of activity in the day to distinguish between fun/ daytime activities and night when he should be in his cot resting? What does he do while you are working and he's not napping?

Not 100% sure but my boy is 6 months and on a similar schedule. When he does this it was when he needed to drop a nap. I haven’t sleep trained either. Mine goes down around 8pm and wakes around 2pm for a feed and sleeps til 6.30/7. Sometimes he likes to party at 5am

have a look on Facebook at a group called respectful sleep training / learning. It has some good guides on wake windows per age and naps. I find it helpful which helped me drop a nap and cap daytime sleep meaning not every hour wake ups. I would guess from this page your son is undertired and maybe needs just one nap but it’s not an overnight thing, takes a few days when they aren’t used to it. Again I could be totally wrong so sorry if I am!

Hi oh poor you sleep deprivation is just awful!!

We were the same at 8 months old but we did some gentle sleep straining and after 3 nights she slept through and has slept through since.
we used a method called “sit back” and was by a sleep expert called takingcarababies. It is not the cry out method as I didn’t want to do that.

you have to be very consistent and don’t give up. I recommend doing it on holiday or over the weekend so you get some help/ rest during the day. We found night two worse than night one just as a heads up but she’s 18 months now and has slept through every night 18:45 to 06:45

She also only took one big nap at this age - pushed her to stay awake till 12 (gave lunch at 11.15) and she slept 2/3 hours. I got her up at 3 if she was still sleeping for her wake windows

you have the patience of a saint and have done so well. You deserve a pat on the back 💐

Maybe try switching the longer nap to the morning and the short one in the afternoon.
What you really need is for him to be able to go off to sleep on his own. That helps him be able to self settle when he wakes also. We used the Ferber sleep training method with DS which only took a few nights and has worked wonders. But he was only 6mo at the time, he’s 16mo now and I think would be a lot harder.

I think the problem is that you aren't putting him into his cot while he is awake. Falling asleep with you beside him makes him feel that he can only go to sleep by that method. FWIW, I fell into that trap with my oldest who would fall asleep while I fed him. I did sleep train train him by controlled crying because I was exhausted and ,quite frankly, I think he was too. The next one was put in his cot while awake from the first night, and he knew that meant time to sleep. I think you need to get yours to be in his cot while awake at night.
Controlled crying isn't CIO, so would you try that?

Could you try a floor bed rather than a cot?

Mine has never settled well in a cot. And a 2 years old, still wakes once a night about 80% of the time so I think for you, just staying exhausted isn’t a great option.

You could do single or double depending on room size and then you could lie with him and stay awake until he falls asleep and then simply get up and go back to your bed once he is asleep and then you don’t need to disturb him by transferring him to cot, just leave him on the floor bed. Make the room completely child safe.

I would do mattress on floor for week or 2 to see if it works and then get a very low bed frame or if easier, just a normal
wooden frame and cut the legs off. Mattress on the floor doesn’t work long term as you could end up with damp/mould underneath due to lack of air flow.

It’s not your fault at all 💕

He’s noticing that he’s being moved. Imagine if you fell asleep in bed then suddenly woke up and realised you were on the floor with no pillow or duvet because that’s in essence what is happening to him! He needs to fall asleep where he’s going to stay asleep for things to improve. There are a lot of sleep training methods that are not CIO. There’s controlled crying/Ferber where you go in at regular intervals to comfort and you’d still expect pretty quick results of about 3 nights to sort. If you don’t want to do anything remotely cry based then pick up, put down or gradual retreat could be worth a look but those methods do take longer. Or you could rethink the cosleeping, I don’t think it’s anywhere near as risk with an over 1 versus a newborn.

It also means you never ever get a break! No wonder you are exhausted.
I actually found nursery was sooo good for my little boy. They just absolutely flourish there so if you can I would put him there for a day or two a week whether you actually require childcare or not.
When you get to have some breaks from work or using annual leave you will actually get the time to yourself and it makes a massive difference.