My 10 year old won't go to sleep

SippingSipsmith · 2023-08-02T05:57:49+00:00

Had anyone got any tried and tested ideas or anything new I could try. She's always been rubbish at going to bed. Always scared. Much like I was when I was younger. We do bedtime stories and she wants to go to sleep in my and my DH bed which is fine and then we move her. But we will put her down and she will just keep coming downstairs and we have to take her up and this goes on and on until one of us basically lies with her to go to sleep. Lately she's stopped coming down and just texts us incessantly from the iPad she's using to listen to podcasts to go to bed to saying she can't sleep. I've tried going up every 10 mins. The problem got a lot worse when we went away May half term and all shared a room and she struggled to be on her own after. I'm looking for any other tips that might work perhaps something I've not heard of. I try talking to her about her worries at other points of the day - like death but she doesn't really want to talk about it then as she'd rather watch tv or whatever it is she's doing.

Anothernamethesamegame · 02/08/2023 07:39

when my son had issues sleeping this is what we did over the period of a week or so…

On day 1 I started by setting the stage - telling him he was going to sleep in his own bed all night from now on and the he was capable of sleeping on his own. Lots of reassurance that I would check in him and be close by. We made sure he had all the comfiest bedding, a fan and anything else that made him comfortable. On the first night I checked on him every 5 minutes until he went to sleeps (it took ages). The next night I did the same and took a post it note with a silly picture on it every time I went in. After he fell asleep I put a big bunch of post it notes with pictures on them in his room so when he woke it would seem like I had come in loads to check on him. Then I repeated that each night (without the post it notes ) but gradually spaced out the time I’m between checking on him. Over a week or so we went from every 5 minutes to every 30 minutes and then eventually he manage to start falling asleep before the first check in.

He
still takes a while To fall asleep sometimes and each night will pop to say something to us after bedtime once or twice (last night it was that the bathroom
smells)….but he is much better and more able to be in his room
alone and get to sleep eventually. He listens to podcast etc too.

Anyway that’s what we did in case it helps. The post it was something I’d seen on line.

Anothernamethesamegame · 02/08/2023 07:44

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SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 02/08/2023 07:52

My DD, who has ASD, was very much like this at your DD's age.

Things that helped, but not cured:

Exercise-make sure she gets out every day.
A bath before bed.
Weighted Blanket
Sleepy type must on her pillow
Listening to an audio book or child meditation.

Thegrumpycup · 02/08/2023 08:00

Is she generally quite anxious anyway?
Is she an only child? Does she share a room?
What time does she go to bed?

My 10YO DS has ASD and can be a bit like this at bedtime. He will not sleep before 10pm in the summer so there's no point trying to send him to bed before then. I send both DS upstairs to do whatever they want in their room at 8pm. They have a story with me at 9.30 then 10YO will sit reading until he falls asleep. He does not like sleeping in a quiet house so I try to make sure that there is some background noise he can hear (fan, white noise or telly downstairs etc).

The routine is the same but a bit earlier during term time. Even still, he doesn't usually nod off until about 9.30/10pm.

stressbucket1 · 02/08/2023 08:15

I would have her in her own bed to start with. Depending on bedtime maybe make it a bit later. Sleep mist on pillow is a good idea. I would probably stay upstairs with her for reassurance until she falls asleep even in her room if you have to. She shouldn't have the ipad in reach either, maybe get an alexa for the podcasts. Does she Sleep properly once she is asleep?

Lifeisupanddown · 02/08/2023 08:45

We went through his and we battled it using a cheap baby video monitor. She liked the fact we could see her and she could talk and we could hear her. We started off with me in my room watching TV while she tried to sleep, she kneow I was only in the next room. Then gradually i went down for 5 mins to wash up or get a drink etc... and that 5 minutes got longer each time. Soon I was able to go downstairs to watch an hour of TV, still with the video monitor next to me. One day, she said she didn't need the monitor anymore so we took it away and so far so good.

Original poster

SippingSipsmith · 02/08/2023 09:27

Anothernamethesamegame · 02/08/2023 07:39

when my son had issues sleeping this is what we did over the period of a week or so…

On day 1 I started by setting the stage - telling him he was going to sleep in his own bed all night from now on and the he was capable of sleeping on his own. Lots of reassurance that I would check in him and be close by. We made sure he had all the comfiest bedding, a fan and anything else that made him comfortable. On the first night I checked on him every 5 minutes until he went to sleeps (it took ages). The next night I did the same and took a post it note with a silly picture on it every time I went in. After he fell asleep I put a big bunch of post it notes with pictures on them in his room so when he woke it would seem like I had come in loads to check on him. Then I repeated that each night (without the post it notes ) but gradually spaced out the time I’m between checking on him. Over a week or so we went from every 5 minutes to every 30 minutes and then eventually he manage to start falling asleep before the first check in.

He
still takes a while To fall asleep sometimes and each night will pop to say something to us after bedtime once or twice (last night it was that the bathroom
smells)….but he is much better and more able to be in his room
alone and get to sleep eventually. He listens to podcast etc too.

Anyway that’s what we did in case it helps. The post it was something I’d seen on line.

Thank you @Anothernamethesamegame - we did try something similar recently with heart shaped tokens and it did work but then it stopped working and we gave up on it pretty quickly. Our problem is always consistency as it's so hard to see the wood for the trees when you're exhausted. Perhaps we should give her a pep talk tonight about starting afresh in her own room with the tokens again.

I'll make sure she has a fan/weighted blanket/ ice pack/ pillow mist/ water as well!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

SippingSipsmith · 02/08/2023 09:29

Thegrumpycup · 02/08/2023 08:00

Is she generally quite anxious anyway?
Is she an only child? Does she share a room?
What time does she go to bed?

My 10YO DS has ASD and can be a bit like this at bedtime. He will not sleep before 10pm in the summer so there's no point trying to send him to bed before then. I send both DS upstairs to do whatever they want in their room at 8pm. They have a story with me at 9.30 then 10YO will sit reading until he falls asleep. He does not like sleeping in a quiet house so I try to make sure that there is some background noise he can hear (fan, white noise or telly downstairs etc).

The routine is the same but a bit earlier during term time. Even still, he doesn't usually nod off until about 9.30/10pm.

Thank you @Thegrumpycup

Our whole house is anxious tbh! She's doesn't share a room. We are also an early household preferring early to bed and early to rise because of the family routine but I notice this is tricky with my DTs getting older now as they don't need as much sleep. We are fine with a 6am wake up so we try a 8pm bedtime

OP posts:

Original poster

SippingSipsmith · 02/08/2023 09:30

stressbucket1 · 02/08/2023 08:15

I would have her in her own bed to start with. Depending on bedtime maybe make it a bit later. Sleep mist on pillow is a good idea. I would probably stay upstairs with her for reassurance until she falls asleep even in her room if you have to. She shouldn't have the ipad in reach either, maybe get an alexa for the podcasts. Does she Sleep properly once she is asleep?

It's only the last few nights she's been annoyingly texting us downstairs on the iPad, before then she would just listen so something needs to be done about that for sure!

OP posts:

Original poster

SippingSipsmith · 02/08/2023 09:31

Lifeisupanddown · 02/08/2023 08:45

We went through his and we battled it using a cheap baby video monitor. She liked the fact we could see her and she could talk and we could hear her. We started off with me in my room watching TV while she tried to sleep, she kneow I was only in the next room. Then gradually i went down for 5 mins to wash up or get a drink etc... and that 5 minutes got longer each time. Soon I was able to go downstairs to watch an hour of TV, still with the video monitor next to me. One day, she said she didn't need the monitor anymore so we took it away and so far so good.

I wonder about tv on as that sort of thing helped me when I was younger to drop off. Maybe something to keep in my back pocket in case the non blue light things do not work.

OP posts:

JamieandRoybromance · 02/08/2023 09:41

We've been through this with our dd. These are the things we did:

Moved her room around to make it feel like a new start.
Eye mask.
Lights on, bedroom and landing.
Goes up for an hour of mindfulness (colouring, drawing) then gets pyjamas on and comes back downstairs for final cuddles.
Google nest to listen to her favourite Disney tunes, plus she can 'broadcast' to our nest downstairs which basically gives her 10 seconds to talk to us and we can reply. She also sets a sleep timer.

But, at the age of 10, she is still mostly awake when we come to bed at 10.30, but she is in her own bed, eye mask on, relaxing. Can't ask for more. If they're tired, they'll sleep eventually. We've stopped stressing over it, sleep is the one thing it's hard to help them with really.

JamieandRoybromance · 02/08/2023 09:45

Oh and we had a few weeks of the 'death' anxiety at bedtime. We pointed out that it is only when lying in bed at night that she has these troubling thoughts. When we spoke in the day, it didn't bother her at all. We told her that if she gets any worries at bedtime, to write them in the notepad she has and if it's still a true worry in the morning we'd deal with it then. Soon stopped it when she realised bedtime was just the time for the worries to become more powerful and if you delay them til morning, they're usually not so bad.

Original poster

SippingSipsmith · 03/08/2023 06:08

We didn't have a good time of it last night. She just refused to lie down for 5 mins at a time. Obsessed with sleeping with me and she's so tenacious she wouldn't back down.

She definitely has some sort of aversion to being in her own room particularly on her own. I'm going to work with her to tidy her room and spend some time in it during the daytime with/without me.

Last night was v shouty in the end. Feel like a total failure but I can't help her if she's not willing to try anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

SippingSipsmith · 03/08/2023 06:09

Maybe I could give her an overview to the importance of sleep but I'm worried that will stress her out more. I'm thinking of ways to get her to just try. I offered a big reward as an idea last night.

OP posts:

Anothernamethesamegame · 03/08/2023 06:33

oh dear that sounds very stressful for you both. I can understand getting frustrated.

Just an idea but Maybe you need start by popping a chair in her rooM and staying in the room while she falls to sleep? You could tell her you won’t be talking but will just sit there (possibly reading a book or listening to an audio book on head phones) so you are there but not interacting with her too much. Then if that works build in some “oh I’m just got to pop and get some water I’ll be back in a minute” type moments?