11 month old has never slept properly I need a break

[MJW1999]

Hello I’m at my complete wits end. Genuinely I need sleep 😭 I’ve not had longer than 3 hours of sleep before being woken up since my DD was born. I’ve never had a night away from her and my DP has never done a night feed or anything at night to help me, most of the time he doesn’t even wake up or stir when she wakes up. he’s never once stayed up with her when she won’t sleep and I’m emotionally done physically done and just need a break. I’ve reached out to people for help but they always end up cancelling or something happens which means they can’t have her.

I think my breaking point was today… at the beginning of the week after the last week at the time (now over a week) of my DD being awake from 1-5 am I asked DP to not have his usual Friday beers so that he can do the night feeds for me tonight and the wake ups for the first time in her life. He comes in whilst I’m giving my DD her bedtime bath and says he’s had a stressful week at work and basically told me all these reasons he should have his beers and chill tonight and was making comments like oh I’ll just relax with a juice then said as he drank it it’s just not the same is it 😤 I just told him I’ve had no sleep and a stressful week too with our DD 24/7 with no sleep whilst she’s teething 4 teeth at the same time (all are cutting) he then proceeded to have 10 beers before bed so obviously can’t be responsible for our DD. Now I’m fed up exhausted and just feel like a single parent at night I am the default parent I manage everything and do all the household jobs excluding the main-bins (I have to empty the smaller bins) and only recently the washing up as I said I can’t do it all all the time as I don’t get a minute to even wee on my own atm. Im okay with this as in a few weeks when I’m back to work I’m only back part time so that’s my contribution towards the household along with childcare but I’m dreading going back as idk how I’ll be able to work when I’m awake every night between 12/1-5.

I’ve got bi polar type two so I need to have sleep to remain stable and I’m currently in remission (almost two years now) and unmedicated but I’m worried that I’ll end up needing medication if I carry on not sleeping. I am loosing weight and now only weight 39KG from the 10 stone I was when I had my DP. Idk what to do or even what I want from this I think I just want opinions potentially any options to help my DP sleep and a way to help myself to sleep and manage to stop loosing weight

Much sympathy.
DD2 didn’t sleep through the night until she was 2.
I needed up having sleep ins and naps on weekends to try to recharge as DH did not cope with night wake ups at all.
It does get better but it is hard to find the balance.
I did go to a wedding at the other end of the country at a similar age and left DH with both DD aged 1 and 3 for 3 days.
That helped him understand what was involved in caring for them.
Good luck

You poor, poor love. I was once in your shoes and I know it hurts. Seriously, ditch him. You DD will sleep one day, I promise for now, lie down and sleep for every nap time even if you have to co sleep. I'd also chuck him out of your bed so DD sleeps next to you. When you're less tired, make moves to get away from him. Is there anyone who'd have you overnight with DD?

Re weight loss, you need to see GP and dietician ASAP

You poor thing, this sounds terrible. Obviously your “d”h is being absolutely unreasonable. There is no way you should be doing this single handedly.

Do you have a nice mum with a spare room? I would phone her, unload everything on her and then ask to come and stay with her for two weeks to a month while you consider whether you can stay with dh.

Then tell dh you’re done being a single parent in a relationship and if he wants to be a partner and a father he needs to buck up and come and get you both or else he’s lost you. He realise doesn’t deserve the privilege of being a dad or your dp.

Meantime you let all the housework slide. Make sure you have got enough food for you and dc but everything else - just stop doing it. If he has to buy his own beer and wash his own socks he might realise how good he’s had it for a year.

And in the daytime make a room safe for dc to play and then you get a pillow, lie on the floor with dc and you sleep. Dc will crawl over and poke your eyes awake but if you keep snatching little catnaps it will help.

Sleep training for you and your DD. Sleep is really important for children developmentally and you can do gentle sleep training, it's a game changer. You will all be much better for it

My mum doesn’t live locally and we are not in contact due to her mental health which was beginning to concern me and I didn’t want that influence in my DDs life as it caused me a lot of trauma during my childhood but also is a reason I really want to remain stable as I don’t want my DD to experience what I did when I was younger 😭. My dad lives close by but my brother has a child who’s older than my DP and they are basically raising them when it’s his turn to have them as my brother is dysfunctional and won’t do anything for himself or his child so they can’t help as are already doing everything for them. 😢so I don’t really have anyone who can help those who have offered to help before I now can’t use as they have their own things going on.

im going to book a doctors appointment on Monday and see what they advise for the weight loss as I am getting worried now I do eat but it’s just falling off of me the smallest size you can get in the UK just hangs off of me now and i hate looking this way.

im going to start napping in the day more as often I don’t if DD is asleep so I can do all the housework and keep on top of everything but I can’t do it all. I never would’ve thought about that with the pillow I could do that in her room as she’s in with us atm but her room is baby proofed and has her toys in it so she’ll be okay.

I have co slept before with her but can’t do that if he’s had a beer so weekends I can’t but I’m going to ask him to sleep on the sofa tomorrow night so I can sleep with her and see if that helps her sleep for longer so I can sleep.

thank you everyone for your kind words honestly I was worried to admit it as I always try to be put together and don’t admit my BP2 to a lot of people as I felt I’d get negative reactions but I’m so glad that I did.

thank you everyone ❤️

Have you got any websites or guides to this? I’ve only ever seen the sleep training where they cry and get really distressed so would love to find an option that would mean she wouldn’t get like that. DD has a very good set of lungs on her and lets everyone know when she’s not happy.

Tbh I paid for a sleep consultant which is what I would advise as I was against sleep training and wanted to do it properly. But I was pleasantly surprised once I found out more information. Is this something you could afford? The advantage of having a sleep consultant is they are there to support you. Also please take care of yourself and your BPD, very happy to hear that you are going to the GP. Obviously your husband is a dickhead too.
Google Gentle Sleep Training, there are methods where you stay in the room and then each day slowly move away. I feel though this is where the support from a consultant is helpful. Alternately you can try the Ferber method but do you own version, so I didn't let my baby cry for more than 3 min.
Your baby needs to have a good day routine as day sleep affects night sleep, so at that age:
Wake at 7am
Nap 9.30- 10.00
Nap 12.30 - 3.00
Sleep 7pm
I'm not an expert so I don't want to give you information that might be more confusing as it's simple but also there is alot to it. It's also important that you're consistent (ie don't swap methods) and it might take a few weeks.

Mine was like this too, until I night weaned at around 12 months and he started sleeping better! But you don't have a baby sleep problem, you have a baby daddy problem. Your actual baby's sleep is (unfortunately) normal for her age, and it's great that you comfort her through it. The man baby taking up space and not contributing is what's wrong, he needs to step up and realise he's not the main character anymore.

The sofa is a good place for him if he's not helping with the wakes and is making your bed unsuitable for the baby to be in. You don't have to accommodate him, kick him out of the bed. You need sleep more than he needs beer.

Honestly you have a DH problem… he is not being on your team at ALL . He is choosing beer over you and his child!! My DD is a horrible sleeper but at least my DP takes over on the weekends from 8-1 so I get a decent chunk of sleep. Time to have some big discussions, STM does not mean slave!!

UPDATE: I spoke to DP and said that I need help with DD I said that just because I am currently a SAHM doesn’t mean I need to do all at night and that I am currently the one with the 💩 end of the deal as I never get any breaks and that I am back to work soon and can’t be awake alone every night. I told him that if I don’t start getting help then he’ll need to sleep on the sofa and I’ll co sleep with DD as it’s the only way I can think I’ll get any sleep… anyway like clockwork DD woke up at 12:10 and after milk she refused to settle back down as soon as I put her down 4 attempts later she continued to cry and fight it (was asleep till I tried to put her down) he took over and started putting her in the cot telling her it’s bedtime etc after an hour we both got up with her and he’s now settling her. He said to me at 2 (2 hours later from her first wake up) that he doesn’t know how I’ve done it all this time and then also managed to do everything else in the home and still make sure I’m there for him to rant about work and organise things with family and friends. He’s now rocking her in our room trying to get her to settle and I’m having a warm cup of tea (focusing on the positives rn that yes it’s 3AM but I’ve had the first hot drink actually properly hot in ages)

it may be a one off and he may of just been amusing me however I am hopeful that he’s realised this night by having to proactively help tonight and also by listening to me that it’s not easy and that I need help and support. We’re also looking into hiring a sleep consultant and we’ve discussed his drinking on a weekend (only evenings but we’ve realised that he’s a habitual drinker and that he needs to also reduce this)

Thank you for all your advice I really from the bottom of my heart appreciate it.

3:11AM she’s asleep!

No advice, just sending hugs. x

🧡

Is she in pain after feeding? It sounds like it if she continues to fuss and cry. She could have reflux (which is like indigestion) - loads of threads on here about it if you want to read more.

I cannot believe someone on this thread is trying to tell you that it is normal for an 11 month old to be awake crying for hours in the middle of the night. It is not normal and you are right to hope for better sleep.

We did sleep training with both our babies once they were about 8 to 9 months. We followed the Ferber method and it worked a treat.

I’ve looked into the Ferber method but I was worried that she’d get really distressed? How long are they upset for? Do you leave them to cry it out for longer than 10 minutes? Idk if I’ve created this as as soon as she makes a cry noise I will go to her as I hate for her to feel alone and want her to feel I’m always there to comfort her 😣

I’ve looked into indigestion but it’s always at the same time at night and never for her naps or when she first goes down to sleep so I’m really not sure bless her

i really appreciate all the love and support from everyone thank you 😊 .

she woke up at 6:20 and hasn’t gone back to sleep so I’m awake with her and DP is asleep so when she goes down to nap today I’ll nap with her I don’t normally do this as I use her naps to get the house tidy and do any housework but for today at least anything needing to be done can wait 😂