Mum-to-be and absolutely terrified of sleep deprivation

[Olegia]

Hi all,

I'm expecting my little one (first baby) in a few weeks time, and to be honest I have no stress or worries about anything (including birth), BUT sleep deprivation.

I know this will be inevitable but I just want someone to tell me that it's all going to be ok. I am afraid that I will fall into a deep depression and not be able to enjoy motherhood, or even worse, resent having had a child.

I've always been awful with sleep. I sleep really well most of the time, but I need a very specific environment (I need to sleep with ear plugs on, and an eye mask, also me and my husband sleep in separate beds - but in the same bedroom - because even his movement is enough to cause me to not have a deep sleep). If I have even one or 2 less hours of sleep than I should, my next day is ruined and I feel like a complete slobbery zombie mess.
My mental health is quite severely affected by lack of sleep (my husband tolerates it a bit better)

Do you have any words of encouragement, or any tips, or anything at all I could use?

We've purchased a Snoo, as that seems to be very helpful for most parents, we bought full black-out curtains for our bedroom, a white noise machine etc.

I was wondering the following too:
-In theory, could I introduce the bottle after 2 weeks-ish, so me and my husband can alternate nights in a different bedroom, so I get a guaranteed full night of sleep every 2 nights? (his paternity leave will be a good 8 weeks)?

It's hard no getting round that but you'll be ok

I reframed the way I thought about nights (particularly for the 4th trimester) don't think of "awake time" and "bedtime" - it's simply 24 hours in the day and when you can sleep - sleep!

Appreciate once you have more than one kid this isn't possible but it stopped my anxiety of clock watching through the night thinking it was my only opportunity to sleep

This idea wouldn't work for everyone but just an idea

Definitely this. I did it with DC3 after falling asleep feeding DC 1&2.

Didn't bother with a crib at all, DC3 slept in my armpit 😅 and everyone slept like babies from day 1 (she woke to feed every couple of hours but no one had to get up or even wake up fully).
Little babies don't need their nappies changing during the night by the way- unless it's a poo obviously. Just feed and back to sleep (BF babes don't (usually) need to be burped either, took me 3 kids to realise this!)

You just have to accept when you become a parent things aren't going to be under your control and you have to compromise on what you need. And yes, many parents struggle with the sleep deprivation and it affects their mental health and almost all mums will resent the impact on their sleep/lifestyle and not enjoy certain bits of parenting. In some cases it might result in PND, and in extreme cases that can be devastating. Theres not much you can do to avoid that, it affects some parents despite having lots of support and preparation.

I exclusively breastfed until 6m for both my dds. Sleep deprivation wasn't an issue for me as I've always operated with little sleep, and I like to be awake in the small hours. It affected DH much worse as he needs his sleep more, and he'll go to bed as early as he can manage.

You might be lucky like my sister and get a sleeper but best to be prepared for at least a few changes of pace.

I found that the key was not to fight it. Some nights easier than others but if I spent the time up willing DS to go back to sleep, it felt like hell; whereas if I could accept it as an awake time now and even occasionally enjoy those moonlight cuddles I felt much better emotionally.

As a pp said, reframe your whole day. I used to go up to sleep for a couple of hours when DH got home from work and it was the best and sweetest sleep of my life as well as setting me up to cope with whatever the night threw. I used to be terrible at napping but necessity does change us and you might find that your own ability to sleep improves.

Not everyone adjusts or gets used to the sleep deprivation. I never did, mine are 10 and 14 now and they were such early risers for such a long time that even now I hate waking them up for school each day as my instincts scream at me DON’T WAKE A SLEEPING BABY! and sleep felt so precious.

If you’re someone who needs their sleep and won’t “get used to being exhausted”, the next best thing is this: acceptance. The more you think about how little sleep you’re getting, the more obsessed you get, and it spirals.

My best, realist, advice is to have a mantra: this too shall pass, I will sleep again, this feels shit but it won’t kill me!

Good luck 😉

I was really worried about this too OP but my baby is 6 months old now and I can honestly say, hand on heart, I was more sleep deprived when I was working. At least now if I have a bad night I can sleep in til around 10 (baby is happy to snooze after breakfast) or nap during the day when she's napping. I cosleep too and that really seems to help baby sleep better during the night too. Obviously this depends on the baby too but just wanted to let you know sleep deprivation absolutely isn't guaranteed.

Woah thanks all for your responses, I was not expecting such support/advice.
It's good to read that your body just adapts, it's not the same as pre-baby, and also really good to hear that breastfeeding makes you sleepy. If I'm up and about during the night (except it it's for a 5s toilet break), it's not a guarantee I'll fall back asleep straight away.
That being said, I did suffer from quite severe insomnia a few years ago, where I wouldn't fall asleep until 2/3 am, and wake up at the crack of dawn. That didn't kill me

It sounds like it's highly dependent on the baby and how my body responds. Co-sleeping and breastfeeding also seem to have a few good supporters! I also bought a Next2me bassinet, so if the Snoo doesn't work out for whatever reason, we have that ready at our disposal straight away to co-sleep safely.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum Indeed I do pee a LOT during the night (I always have, but it's worse now that I'm in the later stages of pregnancy). I usually manage to fall back asleep straight away, unless it's too close to getting up time

@Fiddlefall ll i could indeed take naps during the day time, partner will be there for a solid 8 weeks with me post birth, and I suppose I could nap when baby naps. I live very far away from both my families, but they will be there for a month and a half ish after baby's birth to help us out (cleaning, cooking, taking the baby).

@flightless55 s55 and , this is a good tip for framing, I'll remember that

@sunshineandtea neandtea I didn't know they didn't need to be changed during the night! I thought they may pee often and would be bothered by their wet nappy, but if I don't need to do it systematically then that's one less thing that 'puts you out of sleep mode'. Are you sure they don't need to be burped? I've never heard that before

@rickandmorts morts that's amazing!

Anyone have any tips as to 'methods to implement to help them fall asleep indepedently' from as soon as possible? I was reading up about it and the Feber method seems like a good compromise.

My other question about taking shifts: sure we can split the night in 3 hour blocks/shifts, but if we're going to be in the same bedroom, I will automatically be woken up once our daughter starts crying/fussing? Similarly, if we sleep in 2 different bedrooms, would that mean that we (or the baby) switches from one bedroom to the other throughout the night?

My other issue is that the baby may well not like the bottle, or then refuse to take the breast once it's had the bottle a few times. I'm ok with that though, if I can only feed her expressed milk through bottles, that's good enough as it means anyone can take care of her. I just hope the supply won't be impacted by exclusive pumping.

Hi OP - a young baby will usually fall asleep feeding, especially at night, so then they can just be put straight down again.

It gets a bit harder as they get older and stop falling asleep during the feed.

We used Ferber method at 6 months because it was the only way for us, but you don’t need to look that far ahead yet, it’s completely different to the newborn stage. 6 months is a world of difference at that age.

I was worried too but its grand. Don't bother with housework and nap with the baby. Also if you combine or bottle feed your husband can do some of the night feeds. That really helps

Falling asleep independently is a skill and as many mothers of older kids will tell you their kids could do it at 6 months but at age 3 they need to sit in their rooms.

So I would play the long game again rather than the quick fix (which always seems tempting in the face of extreme sleep deprivation). This is why some people are saying: oh I didn’t sleep for years. It’s because with babies they sleep well, then get ill and it goes for a toss. Or they have spurts of sleeping well or badly, or have a developmental spurt, or are being potty trained or whatever. So you have to see sleep not as an independent ‘night’ thing but as part of their overall development.

And remember we adults don’t ‘fall asleep independently’ either. Most of us watch something, we read, many of us have another adult in bed with us. We don’t just lie down, close our eyes and sleep. Some of us need sleep aids. So you need to find something that enables your baby to be drowsy and feel secure so they can drift off to sleep.

I wouldn't worry - you do adjust! I do need my sleep, but I don't need anywhere near as much sleep these days as I used to pre children. You fall into a much deeper sleep much faster, I find. Also take it easy on yourself. I found not planning too much for the first few weeks really helped (obviously!) as it meant I could have a sleep in the afternoons, or spend the day in pyjamas if the night before was especially tough.
I've got to say though, I don't find the sleep to be that bad (and I've had kids that are classed as "bad sleepers" by multiple people. Lots of wake ups in the night etc). You just carry on!

@MangshorJhol Thanks, what exactly do you mean by starting to play the long game early on, wouldn't that just be sleep training as soon as is developmentally appropriate?

@user50316 That's very relieving to hear. Who knows, perhaps I will adjust quicker than I think?
I am absolutely planning zero things for the first few months, family can come over and help, and luckily they will stay nearby, but have their own place, so we can have space too.

Does anyone have any sleep training methods that has worked well for them? (this if for later down the line obviously, not the newborn stage)

For the first few weeks for us it was a case of sleep as and when , not necessarily at night.

im not very good with sleep deprivation either, my body aches, I have headaches and I’m grumpy with lack of good sleep.

we got into a good routine whereby I did my last feed at 8pm , got organised and went to bed for 9pm Left baby downstairs with dh , then dh had little one and fed them at :midnight put baby in their cradle and went to bed straight after. It meant I got sleep from approx 9pm until the 3/4am sleep which was the next feed and then dh slept from midnight until 7/8am.

this ensured we both had a decent amount of sleep.

@2chocolateoranges that sounds like a good schedule, were you able to combine bottle and breast very early on?

It's hard at times but you will be ok. Your baby might be a good sleeper, not all babies wake all night long.

Your world is going to feel like it's been turned upside down, in the most beautiful way, go with, except help when offered and enjoy. You will sleep again, one day! 😉

@Olegia What I meant is that think of it like everything else- potty training or weaning or whatever. Or even teaching good manners. You have to do it when the baby is ready, it’s rarely something that happens overnight and it’s about creating good long term habits.

Now HOW you do it is up to you- we do-slept and breastfed. Then slowly I taught him to fall asleep without the boob. Then he would Co sleep but I would sit at the other end of the bed as he did. Then we moved him into a cot in our room and repeated it and then much much later we moved him out. He was never left to cry per se but I would sometimes just rub his back silently to show I was there and not pick up.

This also btw depends on your baby DS1 had a slightly clingy/shy personality (he would at nearly 12 still sleep in my bed if I gave him half a chance and he’s still shy). DS2 was and is Mr Independent but also easily distractible. His room even now (he’s in first grade) has black out blinds and I make sure he winds down properly. But DS2 would sing himself to sleep from a young age and really hated having me hang around. DS1 loved a cuddle and the security of knowing we were around. The same sleep training method would not have worked for both of them.

For DS2 it was the falling asleep that was harder for DS1 it was staying asleep and connecting sleep cycles…

• I meant I would sit at the end of his bed while he fell asleep till I could tuck him in, do a few pats and leave. Then once he was in a cot we repeated this till he could do this securely.

My general message is get to know your baby and who they are. Baby books and methods are generic. Adapt them for YOUR baby.

DS1 needed a short morning nap not long after waking up and then had a long afternoon one. DS2 could power through and then needed a long morning nap and a short later afternoon one. That’s still them. DS1 is not a morning person while DS2 wakes up ready to party.

I read the baby books and then tweaked the routines for what worked for each baby.

My first only woke up once a night from birth. They were a big baby. You don't know what kind of sleeper you will get.

I found the tiredness really hit me by week seven. I have 3 DC and started a strict routine then, they slept about 6 hours in a row at 8 weeks and 12 hours at 12 weeks.
My thinking was try and drop the night feeds early before they got to use to them and it became a habit.
I never co slept with any of my DC.

a full night's sleep is unreasonable with a newborn because the other person will have to be on duty all night

This is not true for every baby. I have 2 they were both doing a solid 7 hours by 10-12 weeks. DC1 was solely breastfed. Pay attention to wake windows and make sure you both (you and baby) get exposed to the morning light.

Haven't read all the responses so don't know if anyone has mentioned, but please have a chat with your midwife about the concerns around your mental health if you already know that lack of sleep predisposes you to feeling mentally unwell. Lack of sleep can be (and not for the majority of the population, but some) a trigger for severe mental illness in the post partum period. A good plan of support in place before hand is hugely protective. So please chat or through with your midwife and be honest about your concerns

OP, you sound so much like me. Even pre baby I had so much anxiety around sleep. I don’t know where it stemmed from but even as a child I used to panic and get really anxious if I couldn’t fall to sleep or I didn’t get a certain amount of sleep per night. Probably because like you, I used to feel unwell if I didn’t get much sleep and it really affected my mood. I also have to have the room really dark and wear earplugs.

You could be lucky and have a baby that is a good sleeper. My first was a good sleeper - the first few weeks were a bit iffy but after that he slept great unless he was unwell and we never went through any of the notorious sleep regressions.

My second, however, couldn’t be more different. He’s 9 months and has never slept through. Some nights we’ve had hourly wake ups. If somebody had told me what was to come before I’d had a second baby I would have probably changed my mind. However, I have coped. It’s not been easy, but I feel like my body has sort of adjusted to the lack of sleep and I can go about my day as normal without feeling like a zombie. I actually feel less anxious about sleep in general too, and I know that this isn’t going to last forever.

Both of mine were breastfed yet slept completely differently.

Go with your gut instincts. Hide the clocks. Prioritise sleep, leave the rest (dishes, laundry, shopping) it will wait.

Don't worry, you will be fine, have naps throughout the day and you will also find however you feed the baby that you fall asleep again quickly at night. Remember it is all temporary and all a phase and things will get better before you know it!