My 3.5 year old just won't stay in his own room. Help.

[lostat]

So my son has always slept well until about 6 months ago. He goes to bed happily and falls asleep quickly but wakes a few hours later and comes into our room. If we let him in our bed he gets in happily and falls asleep. If we take him back to his own bed he really kicks off. Screaming, crying, shouting, saying he's scared. I know we've been a bit inconsistent with this (like when my husband is away I've been letting him stay with me) so are we to blame? Do we just push through the screaming. I'm so concerned he's disturbing his sister and our neighbours. Any tips would be so welcome. Thanks!

You need to be consistent.

Keep returning him to his bed every time.

During the day when he is calm have a chat and see if you can work out what is scaring him. See if you can then solve that issue - night light, checking under the bed/in the wardrobe for monsters before bed, moving the object that creates a creepy shadow etc.

So you need to decide what you want, do you definitely want him to sleep in his own bed? (which is a perfectly reasonable thing to want). If so you need to stop confusing him by changing the rules. It won’t be easy but if you are prepared for a few totally exhausting sleep deprived nights you can do the super nanny back to bed routine (look it up). Perhaps warn the neighbors, it should only take a few nights.

does he need to go back in his own room?

DS1 came in our room between 2-5am most nights until he was about 4.5, ds2 is almost 3 and does the same and I have 0 intentions of stopping him. They'd go back to sleep easily, which meant we all got more sleep

Does it matter if he comes into your bed if he settles there? It’s fine if you don’t want him there but then you have to get tough and never let him, no exceptions, no sliding back into the habit. He’s screaming because he can’t understand why sometimes it’s yes, sometimes no.

FWIW I take the route of “what gets us the most sleep” and let DD come in whenever she wants. It happens less and less these days.

Be consistent. Take him back in silence or repeating that it is bed time. Over and over again. It worked for us.
I absolutely hate having a kid in my bed so turf them out.