Can you sleep with an awake newborn?

[EarthRabbit]

Hi everyone,

Parent-to-be here with what is probably a daft question about new babies and sleep.

We are expecting our first in Sep. I felt like I knew nothing about babies when we found out we were expecting, and by the third trimester I somehow feel like more of a clueless idiot than I did at the start. Luckily we have some companions on our parenting journey, as a close friend has just had her first baby three weeks ago. We went over for the first time on Friday and the conversation turned to sleep...

My friend mentioned that she's getting close to zero hours of night sleep, because the baby is super alert at night. I think the gist is: she will happily lie awake for about an hour and a half in her cot, essentially until she wants a feed/change. Then after that's taken care of she'll nap for maybe 45 minutes tops, wake up crying, be settled/fed/changed, and then stay awake for another similar long stretch. Rinse and repeat.

My friend said something along the lines of "the lying awake is more frustrating than when she cries, because she's calm, but it's not like you can sleep while they're awake". And I thought... can you really not? 😅 Not as a disagreement, but as a genuine question - is it not okay to sleep for an hour or so if they're awake but taken care of in their cots? I didn't want to ask her at the time, because I think she wanted a sympathetic ear (and maybe to torture me a little) rather than be asked questions.

So I thought I would ask here, at the risk of sounding green. Is it because it's not ever safe to sleep if they're awake? Or is there another reason? I can see why not in the day, when you would need to be interacting with them while they were awake. But I didn't think you were supposed to do that at night. Similarly, I know a lot of babies would get fussy if they were laying awake and want to be held, but if that's not the case, is it not OK?

Thank you in advance!

If they're perfectly happy lying in their cots but are awake , yes you can sleep. But that's if your hormones will let you!

I don't know how many newborns happily lie awake in their cots anyway. Mine both did a bit but how likely that is, I don't know.

I expect it's more "you can't sleep because you're poised for the moment they turn unhappy". Or maybe just that they're noisy. Babies can be surprisingly loud even when not crying.

I physically couldn't even if I wanted to. My ears turned into superwoman ears listening out for every little rustle and gurgle. Very annoying!

When ours were babies it was a case of most of the time they weren't settled and if by some miracle they were, I would lie there listening and not able to sleep. With our first I struggled to sleep when she slept for a few weeks in case she stopped breathing (and we had a breathing sensor monitor).

It’s more about how you are. You may find that you can’t relax until you know the baby is asleep or that when they are asleep you are constantly worried so can’t sleep either! But once you get out of the new born phase you relax a little bit and it gets a bit easier!

It's ok to fall asleep if the baby is safely in their cot. But I doubt she's just lying there quietly! Babies tend to whinge a bit, snuffle, kick etc when they're awake even if they're not full on crying.

I did a few times when my son was little because he was a content little baby who’d just lay there. Felt guilty as hell though. Second time round I had twins and I slept every single second that I could, so if they were awake but not fussing then I would happily sleep. Didn’t happen often though, they always seem to want something!

Of course you can! 8 weeks in with my second and as long as they are safe in their cot you can sleep. Mine also won’t sleep immediately at night after being fed and winded but I just put her back in the cot next to me and she eventually falls back asleep. When you are really tired you will sleep through their little awake dinosaur noises.

Having said that, I was probably way more precious with my first but it’s hard to remember!

Babies don't lay still and quiet for long unless they are asleep.

I did, I was so tired. Once they were fed, changed and back in their cot safely, I'd fall straight to sleep. I think it helped them get back to sleep in a way too.

You can sleep but you probably won't be able to, your body is on high alert!! Definitely try (and tell your friend to) safe bed sharing. It's an absolute life saver

You’re hyper aware of every snuffle, I wouldn’t (and didn’t) interact with a newborn much at night because they need to learn to differentiate night and day (hormones in breast milk helps with that) but there’s a lot of being poised ready. The best piece of advice we got (beyond the “you’ll never sleep again” brigade) is that sleep will look different: you will sleep, but it won’t be a solid 8 hours.

To be honest-I've never met a newborn who lay contentedly awake for an hour and a half so the question's never arisen for me or anyone I know!

I would say your friend has a very unusual baby. Mine were never content to be put down regardless of whether they were asleep or awake. If awake they wanted feeding or cuddling and we snatched sleep in short stretches.

Don't worry about what anyone else's baby is doing or not feeling like you know anything op. Every baby is different and yours will let you know how to parent it. Plenty of guidance our there in terms of safety but beyond that just do what works for you.

On another note, babies are often more wakeful at night because during the day the background noise, cuddles and bright lights help them become sleepy. They grow out of it after a few months when they become more alert and need less sleep.

If a baby was safe and happy to lie down then I would try to sleep but as others have said, they are noisy! We managed to sleep by splitting ourselves between two rooms, for the first half the night (early to bed and dh would stay up late) I would sleep on my own, only waking to feed and the second half I'd have baby and dh would sleep through. It worked for us.

Thanks everybody for the clarification! Essentially what I've gathered is you can in theory, but you probably won't 😅

Like many of you are saying, it's perhaps not likely we will even find ourselves in that situation, and probably not something I needed to worry about. But I had a bit of a "oh crap, is that another rule I'm not aware of??!" moment when my friend mentioned it.

@CurlewKate @WonderingWanda Yes, I did think it sounded unusual, at least compared to what a lot of people describe with their babies always wanting to be held or soothed! I think generally she happens to be a very content baby anyway. But seems to have her days and night muddled (unfortunately for my friend). I suppose every baby really does do their own thing!

Thanks again!

If you’re someone who can sleep and nap easily then yes, it’s absolutely safe and fine for you to sleep while the baby is awake in their cot. I found it difficult because I’m a bit of an insomniac and was listening to them too intently, my sister and friends, on the other hand, had no problem sleeping - even when they had their babies in bed with them!
And also, don’t worry! Your baby might be a great sleeper 😀

I def could not. But they rarely were happy just awake in their cots. When small they were either asleep, awake and crying, or awake attached to my boob at all times.

it’s a steep learning curve for sure.

If you're breastfeeding, you may find yourself drifting off during an extended feed. I did a couple of times and while it was a lovely sleep, I felt so bad about it when I woke up and baba was just lying there cooing. It's worth looking into a next to me or similar co sleeper that attaches to the bed if you think you might be able to drop off in a similar way.