Where do I even begin?
This is ridiculously long, big backstory!
Summary: family trauma 18m ago broke sleep in our family and i don't know how to fix it.
My kids have never been good sleepers. The eldest (E) was pretty good as a baby but then got worse. We didn't (still don't) like the idea of sleep training, but it would have been a no go anyway. Even popping to the loo during a long night wake would be met with screaming, retching and occasionally vomit. We survived by my husband sleeping in with her after she woke, as I dealt with her younger bf sibling She grew out of it and slept through from 3.
Youngest (Y) was a horrific sleeper as an older baby - up hourly until 18m. We didn't push things too much because E had finally started sleeping better and we didn't want crying from her sister to wake her. She hated co-sleeping, so I was up and down all night like a yo-yo (and still breastfeeding). At 2 she started suddenly sleeping through. Both children were sleeping through, all was good.
Then at 4.5 and 2.5 our family experienced a trauma. Y was rushed to hospital, diagnosed with a brain tumour and sent to a large teaching hospital for major surgery. We were in hospital for 2 months with more life threatening events than I can remember. We had a room at the Romans McDonald so most weekends E came down to stay, but during the week she was with grandparents who she is very close to, and continued with school etc. The tumor shouldn't be fatal, but will have long term consequences and is likely to require future surgery and/or chemo etc.
On coming home both kids sleep was screwed. Y was used to having a parent staying, like in hospital, and had a NG tube with night feeds for months (gone now), so she was in with us for safety.
E had been co-sleeping with her grandmother whilst away, and also had major seperation anxiety from us going so suddenly. She would panic if we even went to the loo. My husband slept in with her.
We are now 18m down the road and we are stuck. Every time we get Y sleeping better, she is ill with something, or has a couple of nights in hospital and we are back to square one. I'm pretty accepting that we have a child with a serious long term illness, she's been to absolute hell and back and sometimes she clings to me. She also has issues with sleep sometimes due to the tumor disrupting melatonin production.
E (just turned 6) has got used to dad sleeping in with her. He's not been pushing the issue given Y usually ends up in with us, and he gets evicted anyway. She wakes most evenings and every night, and he ends up in with her. We've tried talking to her - gently and more firmly, we've tried reward charts, it's not working.
Tonight my husband is away overnight. It's rare for either of us to go away because of how badly they sleep, but it's just one night right...
I kept E up very late as it's only been following very late nights that she's been sleeping ok. This was on the understanding that she would sleep by herself, as I can't be in two places at once.
It's quarter past 4 and I've maybe slept 45m in total. Y (in my bed) has woken only once briefly, but E has been up 5 times in floods of tears. She's been awake the last 2 hours and had just gone to sleep with me next to her. Y is likely to wake for the day in about 90m.
E has been expressing worries about us leaving again, her sister getting ill again etc. We are waiting for scan results but I'm not sure E is aware of this (she knows Y had the scan). Tensions are really high in the family at the moment.
I think E often feels I love Y more than her. Obviously I don't, but with the level of trauma that she's been through (and still good through on occasion), she relies on me for security a lot. She has some disabilities following everything that happened and needs more support and supervision than other children her age.
We've spent the last 18m trying to get E to feel more secure again. We've had movie nights together, gone camping just the two of us, stayed up late playing board games. We've tried being gentle about it and it hasn't worked. We don't want to leave her sobbing at night as we are worried that would exacerbate her seperation anxiety, and also it just feels wrong.
But it's also ridiculous that we have one parent sleeping with each child, and barely any time together as a couple (bed time isn't easy or quick either...). It's ridiculous that one of us going away means the other person surviving on an hour of broken sleep a night. It's unsustainable, but I don't know how to fix it.