21 month old won’t sleep in crib

[BedtimeHelp]

Hi there, up until about two months ago a lot of changes and developmental milestones have hit our 21 month old like a truck.

The first is that she has hit peak separation anxiety, the second is that my milk dried up. She talks a lot more and now has a lot of nightmares at night. Ever since my milk dried up she seems to have taken it a bit personally and now only wants her dad all the time. She’s also gotten very possessive of him and shoves me away when I hug him or hold his hand and says “Mine!”

When she was 19 months she had none of these problems and slept very well in her crib and only occasionally we would let her sleep in our bed in the case of sickness or a bad dream.

This explosion of unfortunate events has led to her sleeping in our bed every single night.

I’m not sure what to do to get her back in her bed. We used to cuddle her to sleep and move her to her crib and that worked well. Now she wakes up screaming when we do that and clings to her dad for dear life. If she doesn’t wake up immediately then she will wake up 3-4 hours later sobbing and shaking.

The sobbing and shaking bit really got us as it’s hard to watch. It takes her a very long time to calm down. She was even upset to the point that she made herself vomit twice now. So we just started letting her sleep in our bed every night thinking she would grow out of it. It’s just a phase we need to wait it out. But it didn’t stop and now we are two months in and she is still in our bed.

Husband and I are at our wits end because nighttime was really the only time we had to ourselves as a couple. Extended family is in the united states so it’s not like we can pack her up and send her to her grandparents for the weekend. So this is really starting to affect our marriage in a bad way.

Any advice on how to handle this? We are very lost. We’ve decided she’s at an age where the old strategy just doesn’t work any more. We need an age appropriate night time parenting strategy here for her.

Please and thank you.

Floor bed? You could have it in your room and then move it to hers once she's familiar. Isn't quick fix, but allows you to join her in her space, rather than her invading your bed. Also easier to comfort her and subtly roll away. She'll have more control, which may give her a feeling of confidence, really depends on her temperament and motivations

@Notfeelinglikemyselftoday it’s not a bad idea. I didn’t think of this. I don’t think the floor bed will work but it does give me an idea that we could apply to our situation. Maybe we can try sleeping next to her in her bed instead instead of ours. Not sure why we never thought of that. We always cuddled her in our bed and then moved her. I suppose going to her bed would make more sense though.

We’ve been doing a lot of brain storming and have decided whatever we do this will be a chance to update old habits since it will be baptism by fire no matter how we look at it. Once we’ve come up with a sound strategy plan A, B and C we have decided we are marking a day on the calendar and committing to applying it.

Preventing her from getting so upset that she vomits is number one on our priority list. We obviously don’t want her to be miserable. She’s always been a very cuddly baby though to the point that I would call her a stage 5 clinger even on the best of days so the separation anxiety feels very intense.

Not really getting a lot of feedback on this. I might make another post later I suppose.

This was the best I could come up with on my own though not feeling terribly confident.

Front line plan
Go back to roots. Try what worked in the past. Use huckleberry. Follow a strict daily schedule. Make sure baby is getting enough sleep pressure and optimal wake times, nap times and bed times.

It’s important to try to remember patience so baby doesn’t relate sleep with stress and unhappiness. Try to explain to baby in advance what is going to happen. Stick to usual bedtime routine. Give baby lots of kisses and cuddles. Try to remember this is a difficult big and scary change for them.

Sleep plan A
-No more bedroom
-Baby gets put down in crib
-A parent sits next to baby till she falls asleep
-Sneak away once baby falls asleep and is asleep for at least 20 minutes

Sleep plan B

-No more bedroom
-Baby gets put down in crib
-A parent sleeps on couch next to baby all night long for first week.
-Start sneaking away half way through the night for three nights
-Sneak away after 1 hour of sleep for three nights
-Sneak away once baby falls asleep and is asleep for at least 20 minutes

Sleep plan C
-No more bedroom
-Baby gets put down in crib
-Vanishing chair method

Sleep plan D
-No more bedroom
-baby gets put down in crib
-cry it out method

Hi op. One vote here for floor bed. Lie with her til she's asleep then role away. My money is on the cot being the problem.

You sound a caring and thoughtful person though and I'm sure you'll find an approach that works with your child.

Maybe they don’t like the crib? Time to move them to a bed maybe?

Curious why you can't have a floor bed? When I was deciding for my DC recently I watched a webinar on how to set up the room safely to do so and most spaces big enough for a single bed can convert to floor beds with a bit of child proofing.

You can try it out by literally putting her cot mattress on the floor. Try it for a nap and see how she finds it.

We ultimately decided on a cotbed because DC really seemed to like them when staying at PIL.

No experience myself but Lucy Wolfe Stay and Support book has some strategies for toddlers...may be worth a look.

Please throw plans C and D in the bin right away. Your child needs you to help them sleep at the moment, that’s not something they should be punished for. There’s been a change and they need your support to adjust.

I bedshared with my son from birth so a bit different, but also stopped bedsharing and breastfeeding at the same time as this due to pregnancy, my milk also dried up. He had a floor bed in his own room, I lay down with him to sleep and then slept on his floor for about 3 weeks to help him with the transition. It went really well. I’d definitely go for a floor bed and toddler proof the room. Lots of toddlers don’t like cots and that’s fine.

At the same age* as this too - I think he was 19-20 months

I’d get rid of the crib, put a small double or double in her room and that’s now her bed where she sleeps every night but a parent can join her as/when needed. Doesn’t have to be a floorbed if you’re not keen- a normal bed with a guard is fine. Put a stairgate on her door to avoid worries about night time wandering.

My son (almost 2) took against the crib when he learnt to stand and cruise around it at 8 months. I think he thought it was a cage. We moved his mattress to the floor and he slept happily on that - we do have to lie down next to him to get him off to sleep, but not for long. Recently bought him a low double bed. He loves it. Very excited about his new bed and new sheets. Much nicer for us to snuggle up in and read books at bedtime. Wish we had done it sooner! He still wakes once most nights - sometimes comes in with us and sometimes one of us will now go in with him. I don’t actually mind - I love the snuggles - but we definitely get our evenings whilst he sleeps. I think this approach or something similar might work for you all?

Yes to a floor bed/mattress. My dd thought a cot was a prison and she couldn't get out to come to us if she woke up frightened at night. As above, put a stair gate up and she can (and will) come to you when she needs to but will not be so terrified. Eventually just knowing she can find you will help her stay put or check you're there and go back to her room. Also no guard necessary as she hasn't far to fall.

Works for my dgd too! Now 27 months old and usually stays put but when she wakes, she just pops into her parents' bed and no screaming etc. - her Dad does sometimes go and sleep on her mattress though!

The crib/cot is the problem - so A, B, C, D above won't work.

I didn’t really want to bring it up because it’s very personal and in the past mumsnet hasn’t always been kind to me… but We suffered job loss because of covid and had to down size to a one bedroom apartment. Her crib is in the living room and it’s not entirely baby proof. If she wakes up and starts to run around while we are sleeping she could knock the TV into her head or find something and choke on it. It’s part of why our marriage is so stressed because we haven’t had sex in over a month because she is always in our bedroom at night if she doesn’t fall sleep in her crib where she is safe.

It’s an embarrassing situation. We are bouncing back financially but this place is very cramped and there’s not a lot of space to work with.

I don’t think I can really handle being criticized for our living situation if I’m being honest. I guess if I get torn to shreds about it I might just delete my account. I already hate myself for being in this situation.

How about making the bedroom her room with your bed as her bed, and using a pull-out sofa in the living room for yourself? When you're able to move to a larger place, the sofa can move with you. At least you get private space that way, and it will be easy to lie with her while she goes to sleep. If she still doesn't sleep well without you there, at least you've got some private bonking space when she is asleep!

Right, there’s nothing wrong with a one bedroom apartment but you need to be creative.

so:

As @Britinme says, You make the bedroom her bedroom (also handy as can double up as a playroom etc) and then get a cracking sofa bed and you sleep in the living room. You get space, she gets space, winner.

OR

you get some sort of bunk bed contraption for all of you.

I would go with option A!

https://houseandhome.com/gallery/one-bedroom-family-home

lots of ideas here that might help! The wall bed is jazzy, I suspect the sofa bed is cheaper!

Thank you very much for not judging our living situation and all the helpful tips. I didn’t think to change the living area around in this way. That’s actually a really good idea. 😭🥹

Sorry I accidentally hit the send button. Our crib transforms as she gets older so we can just move her to the bedroom and turn it into the toddler bed. This is a fantastic idea.

No criticism here. Sounds like you're doing amazingly in a very tough time. Your daughter is lucky to have such a caring mum.

Great idea op about the toddler bed. Good luck x

Awesome! It’s the best thing about mumsnet; sometimes when you’re in the thick of it you can’t see the wood for the trees and it’s good to have a sounding board of ideas. Let us know how you get on 😊

I had a sit down with hubby about it and we are going to try rearranging the apartment tomorrow. I will keep ya’ll in the loop.

No criticism here. Many people have a child in a one bed home, it's not forever.

I can't offer advice. Mine slept with us for ages, no stress, we all had good sleep.

How's it going, OP?