Toddler has never put herself to sleep

[Bakingmom]

My little girl has NEVER slept well since birth. It’s been without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve experienced in parenting. She was EBF for 15mo and we co-slept a lot of that as she just refused to sleep without touching us. She’s 3yo this June and she still does not sleep through the night. We start the night with a bath, stories, teeth, pretty solid routine we’ve had for a long time. Then when it’s time to get into bed she will go to sleep… as long as she has a strong grip on our arm. We have to wait there like that until she is fast asleep and we can sneak out of her room. This can take up to an hour an night. My DH and I take turns but this takes up so much of our evening. I also think it’s making the night wakings worse because she will then wake up around 11pm/midnight and cry because she realises we aren’t there. She’s never self soothed. We used to go in her room and get her back to sleep and sneak out again but this was getting exhausting after months and months so we’ve resorted to her coming in to bed with us. This is happening every night now. I just don’t know what to do. Will she grow out of it? We’ve tried every sleep training trick in the book. Someone please tell me she will magically sleep one night? Please no nasty comments about sleep training or “just cuddle her to sleep don’t be a monster” I hope there are parents out there that understand how hard 3 years of sleep deprivation can be.

Similar story here substitute having a grip on your arm with us having to rub her back.

I dont think she will grow out of it as she doesn't know how to go to sleep by herself. Which she needs to do during the night.

What time does she go to bed? Does she nap during the day.

We have just broken it through sheer exhaustion and will power.

Over about 12 nights.

Let them choose pjs from 2 pairs. Story from 2 books giving element of control.

Then 3 nights beside the bed comforting as.normal however no engagement, just a sleep phrase such as sleepy time. If they wake during the night, do exactly the same thing. Next 3/4 nights move about 3 feet from the bed and same as above no engagement etc, final 3/4 nights be at the bedroom door and then by night 10-12 settle down and just leave. If they wake, give them 10 minutes before responding unless they are very upset or unwell. You should have broken the cycle of being unable to self settle at this point. However, the waking during the night is probably as they arent getting enough sleep. My dd was overtired being put to bed at 8pm, we could be up there for 2 hours settling her. We moved her bedtime to 7pm and now she is asleep in about 10 minutes.

We still have nights where she wakes like last night with clock changes but we regularly have her sleeping through. If she starts to wake a couple of nights we bring bedtime earlier again to address her sleep deficit.

The key is consistency and sticking to the sleep phrase and no other engagement. It's tough but we are delighted with life now.

Bath time is at 6.30 and we aim for light out around 7/7.30 after stories and teeth. I often think she must be so tired waking up so much in the night. She doesn’t nap anymore during the week while she is at childcare but she has been having the odd nap in the car on a weekend. This doesn’t seem to change how well she sleeps at night, nor did we notice any difference when she dropped her nap at childcare. Thank you for your advice. Did you have lots of crying at the beginning when you started moving away from rubbing her back/sitting next to her bed? I know as soon as we refuse to give her our arms she will be in hysterics. Did you use any promise of “treats” or rewards? I have tried explaining to her that “big girls sleep on their own in their big girl bed” but she just gives me a cheeky grin and says no.

Same situation with our two year old! No advice at all sorry but here for ideas. I could have written your post!

Your going to have to take the long approach..

Every night just take 1 more inch away
Tonight I'm going to let you hold on for 10 minutes then I'll sit at the end of your bed
Again the next night etc
Then when she used to that
Tonight I'm going to sit at the end of your bed . No arm holding

If she wakes up you sit at the end of her bed.

Then tonight I'm going to sit on the floor.

Keep this up until you get to
Tonight I'm going to kiss you goodnight and leave.

She’s only 3, get a grip and be a mum.

You don’t get your life back I’m afraid, the older she gets the later she will stay up, and when she is 13 you will probably go to bed before her 😂

Just want to promise you that however she starts doing it, training or waiting, it'll happen eventually.

Both of mine always wanted us with them while they fell asleep. One started falling asleep alone and sleeping though simultaneously at 5.

Other 4 year old we stay with while he falls asleep but started sleeping through anyway about 6 months ago.

It'll happen, I promise.

No training ever worked long term for us, but both of ours have always had double beds, and a parent will sleep with them all night if necessary. No child ever, ever sleeps in our bed. Getting up and moving beds around in the night is really disruptive- child must stay in their own bed. This has always given us enough sleep.

Hope you get your sleep back soon- it's heaven!

My DC could never self-settle, we used to spend hours every evening in her room stroking her arm to get her to sleep. The minute we'd sneak out of her room she'd wake up and we'd have to start all over again. I was often close to losing the plot too! I can't remember exactly when it happened, but at some point she did learn to get herself off to sleep and now she's a stroppy teen who never wants to get out of bed! 😂

My advice for getting her back in her own bed is to make it a weekend treat that she gets to sleep in yours. Say that when Mummy and Daddy have to work the next day she needs to go in her own bed then keep reinforcing that. Yes, there will be tears but you need to grit your teeth and persevere.