How can I just get an hour?

[lunylovegood]

My LB is 18months and just won't sleep for me. To elaborate he sleeps at nursery (climbs in a cot and nods off) and same for dad if I go out somewhere, but for me, if I put him to sleep (nap or at night) he wakes at 40 minute intervals if I leave his side.
I breastfeed to sleep, he's never slept in a cot, he sleeps in our bed at night and I have a floor bed in his room where I try and get him down in the evenings. Through the night when I'm asleep it's fine, I'm pretty sure he sleeps all night through, occasionally feeding but I barely notice, but the evenings are hell. Takes him 20 mins to be in a deep enough sleep for me to roll away, then by the time I've snook out, made a drink, sit down he's back up. Repeat from 7-10 when I give up and go to bed. That's a really good night, but mostly, it's even more frequent, with him not sleeping at all, lay on the floor trying to feed him to sleep for 40 minutes with him just not going to sleep but crying if I try and get him up to play and generally just fighting it until I give up and go to bed myself with him where he doses off within minutes.
I work 3 days a week, and luckily wfh so get housework done then and my partner helps, but I get no me time whatsoever. No time to shower, take a bath, watch a programme, have a hot drink because every evening is the same. My partner puts him to bet Friday Saturday Sunday, and usually he will sleep a little bit longer for the first stint but still wakes up and won't ever go back to sleep for my partner so I'm always on wake up duty, so I probably get an hour max, but whoever doesn't put him to bed has to clean the kitchen so usually end up doing a few chores then it's time for me to go back up.
I am so frustrated it's unreal. Everyone says just leave him to cry but I will not do that but there has to be some way I can get him to connect sleep cycles.
Any advice appreciated

If you won't let him settle himself there is no magic solution. Did he ever have a dummy?

Strongly recommend checking into a hotel or.staying with a friend for 2 nights so he learns to settle for dad.

You need to stop offering boob every time he wakes up. That's honestly the crutch that he expects when he wakes from sleep drowsy and sends him gently back off.

He’s using you as a dummy

He needs to learn to self soothe. Stop feeding him to sleep. Of course he will cry at first but then comfort him after a minute. Then leave him, if he cries again leave him for 2 minutes, then comfort him. If he cries again leave him for 4 minutes, if he cries again leave him for 6 minutes. After that he will probs just settle. If you do this for two or three nights you won't need to do it again. He would have learnt.

They need to be taught how to self soothe. Learning any new skill can be difficult. It will be worth it.

First, stop feeding to sleep. Do the last feed a little earlier in a different location with noise, then go to bed. You can even cuddle to sleep, just don’t feed (you can bring in more distance at this stage gradually later). Once that’s working you can night wean. You can have a lot of this situation changed by this time next week.

He did have a dummy until he was about 7 months then just woke up one day and wouldn't have one.

The hotel idea sounds like a dream!

He does definitely use me for comfort but through the night he is fine, he can happily sleep next to me and wake up and go back to sleep without needing to feed.

OP this sounds awful! My first question is why doesn’t your DP put him to sleep every night? I would also, with an 18m old, think of you going to stay somewhere else and get dad to settle him at night. He will protest but he will sleep eventually, and he will learn to be able to sleep without waking to bf all night. I would stop bf at night altogether as it would be confusing for him to get milk sometimes but not other times.

Hi op that sounds intense, I feel for you

i also have an almost 18 month old and luckily we do not have the same problem. It sounds like you love your little boy a lot and are doing everything you can

The only thing I would say is it’s not letting him cry it out. it’s simply letting him self soothe. We did that with our daughter and I like you hate the crying and will never let her cry for too long or if the cry changes I’m in there but thankfully she does know how to soothe herself so most of the time she will settle herself again

sounds like your son associates sleep with everything you have been doing so naturally anything different will be scary for him and take weeks to get used to. If you really are struggling and want things to change then you know what you need to do but if you don’t want to do that then stick it out - hopefully he will start to sleep through when you put him down

I carried on bfing for another 18 months after night weaning. They don’t get confused because they don’t wake up any more.

Time to sleep train! Teach him to settle himself without using you as a dummy!

You know he can do it at nursery so he can do it at home too!

Also we made the mistake of putting our daughter in our bed one night when we were desperate for sleep. Never again

she wouldn’t sleep in her cot for days and screamed non stop. We cut the bed sleeping cold Turkey and would soothe her but in her room and eventually (many weeks later) she happily slept in her cot again.

just goes to show you can change their behaviour and habits by keeping a routine you want them to get used to, of course it’s hard- those weeks of trying to get her to Sleep in her cot were hellish!

Thanks all for advice and replies! I really appreciate everyone's opinions!

I think I'm a minority when I say I love having him in the bed overnight. We've co-slept since birth and I don't have any problems with our night times, it's just that 7pm - 10 period id love to work on. I hear of babies going like 3 hour stints and it would just be perfect if he could do that, but I guess they have been taught to self soothe.

Be great to put him to bed and grab a shower or paint my nails. Even just have a hot cup of tea! I just wondered if anyone had the best of both worlds in my eyes but seems like it's one way or the other

You can sleep train and put him in your bed.

Everyone says just leave him to cry but I will not do that but there has to be some way I can get him to connect sleep cycles.

If there was a perfect no cry option, we would all be doing it. But good luck

OP, I dont have any advice. I wanted to say that my DD coslept, breastfed etc but by 18 months she could be left and sleep for a few hours at a time. I remember the evenings when she couldn't and it wasn't fun so I feel for you. DD never self settled, never sleep trained. So you don't have to do it. DD was in a cot and came into bed with me when I went to sleep.

I do agree with some other suggestions that maybe dad does it more often or dad needs to go in when he wakes up. You should be able to get a bath or watch some telly. Me and DH would take it in turns to go and settle DD. If he's sleeping well at night could it be more like naps or time of bedtime?