Please help me help my daughter get to sleep

[broomformychin]

She is 11!

She has never slept well. Complete Velcro baby and she didn't sleep though until she was 4. We co slept until she was about 4 but never really intentionally, it just always ended up that way out of desperation for some sleep.

Primary school years a little easier but it has always taken her hours to fall asleep. We've tried all sorts of different things - audio books, magnesium salt baths etc.

She's got much much worse since starting secondary school. She can't sleep because she's worried about not being able to sleep and then being tired at school. It's often midnight before she falls asleep and often at the moment she's only managing to sleep when I let her fall asleep on the sofa with me or I go and sit up in her room. She's getting so worried about not being able to sleep that her heart beats really fast and she starts shaking.

Should I take her to the doctor? Is there anything we can try to help her? I'm happy to keep sitting with her because at least then she's calm but I'm worried that isn't a long term solution for her as eventually she will leave home!

I think a trip to your GP would do good. It could be anxiety - there's different ways to help with that so it's best to get some professional advice

But in the meantime give her a cuddle or let her fall asleep with you. She's still your baby after all x

I do hope that you can find a resolution❤️

Thank you for the reassurance. She's an only child and I'm never sure I'm doing any of this parenting stuff properly. Always happy to give her a cuddle when she needs one. I spend a lot of time second guessing myself and blaming myself for any problems she's having, including sleep!

Will give the GP a call tomorrow.

My insomnia is like this. Getting wound up because I'm still awake and know I'll be tired tomorrow.

Best solution (apart from sleeping pills) is to work on staying relaxed and forget about sleep. Awake and wound up uses far more energy than awake and relaxed. Even if you're not asleep, lying down being relaxed gives the body and brain quite a rest. So go to bed and focus on relaxing, just that, if you sleep you sleep and if you don't you don't.

At the first sign of getting angsty or upset, get up.

• Either go do something relaxing eg watch a feel-good film with a cup of hot milk and try again with sleep after that, or in the middle of it if you suddenly feel sleepy. Reading is good too, but not an exciting book like a thriller mystery. Pick a quieter "softer" one. Or try a sleep story app.
• Or go do some chores (homework maybe?) so if you get sleepy when you're supposed to be doing something else, you can sleep guilt free. Like coming home from school exhausted and being able to go straight to bed without stressing about the project that's due in the next day because you've already done it in the night when you couldn't sleep. It helps with the relaxing to know that you don't have that thing hanging over you to do later when you're no doubt going to be exhausted. Being relaxed then makes you more likely to sleep.

For me the worst advice is the one to go to bed at a regular time and wake at a regular time regardless of how much sleep I've had. That leads to me getting overtired, making me more likely to become overemotional and anxious, so less likely to sleep the next night. It's far better for me to sleep whenever I can.

Sometimes another environment is needed. Like sitting in the car for half hour then I'll get sleepy. Or sleeping on the sofa in the living room instead of in bed. I don't know why this is but whatever, if it works that's fine by me! Same thing with lights, sometimes I'll sleep better with total darkness and any light disturbs me, keeping me awake. Other times no chance, but put the side lamp on and I'm asleep in an hour. Being too cold, too hot or even slightly hungry/thirsty will stop me sleeping too. So it's a late night snack right before bed for me.

And a cup of herbal tea with valerian root in before bed too.

This was my 11 year old to a tee and she is now 13 and sleeps fine. I threw everything at it - sleep mask, pillow sprays, temple balms, nice bedding, warm bath, headspace app (which is fab). In the end we got so used to it we sort of accepted it and by removing the desperation from the equation it just solved itself.

I think getting settled at secondary is the thing that helped and not all the stuff I did. She struggled with sleep and nervousness all through year 7 and it sorted itself in year 8.

I remember telling her not to sweat it if she was still awake at midnight, that she would be fine in school. I didnt really mean it but it did seem to help her relax. I hope things get easier for you too - I'm sure it will pass.

I do feel like she's heading for a life of insomnia and it's my fault for not sleep training her properly as a baby (I could never leave her to cry).

I've tried getting her to drink herbal teas but she is extremely picky with foods and won't drink anything other than water or milk.

We've tried so many different sleep techniques. We paid for a sleep therapist when she was 9. And although her sleep improved for a little while since then her anxiety around sleep has increased dramatically and I wonder if it's because it piled a lot of pressure around sleep? I will try and keep the focus on just keeping her calm and relaxed.

I really appreciate people taking the time to reply. Thank you. (I'm still awake because I'm worrying about DD's sleep!)

We are going through the same with DD at the moment (she's 8). We have hysterical tears at night as she can't sleep, and she gets worried about not being able to sleep. the other night she was awake until 2am. She says she hates the dark and can't sleep but if we let her have a light on all night she doesn't sleep as she potters in her room and colours all night. Or sings to herself!

I am, and always have been, a night owl (hence MNetting at 1:15am!). Even as a child, I would be awake all night and sleep in when I could (even Christmas morning I would be getting up at 9:30, instead of 5-6am like some children!). Uni and the student lifestyle suited my body clock to a tee.

I do wonder if DD has inherited my body clock - which would be all well and good if she didn't have to be at school for 8:30. Mornings are horrendous in our house.
We do think she has some sort of anxiety (which might just be because she can't sleep and the pressure of not being able to sleep causes a spiral of anxiety). We've tried worry monsters, new bedding, pillow sprays, rescue remedy. She does usually manage to sleep if she is on the floor in our room though.

I suffer from chronic migraine and one of triggers is lack of sleep - a bad night sleep in our house often translates to 3 days in agony.

Anyway, I digress.

Just out of curiosity OP, are you or DD's DF bad sleepers/night owls?

We have used EFT tapping therapy with fantastic results.

Or what about ASMR?

I’d do some basic CBT with her.

Okay DD you’re afraid you’ll be tired at school. So let’s play that out. Tell me what it’s like to be tired at school. Oh that sounds really tough, I’m sorry. But you know what, you’ve managed it. It sounds really horrible, and it is but it’s also something that you have shown you can manage. When you’re trying st night your brain starts saying that it’s a catastrophe. It isn’t, but in the night you’ll need to train your brain to remember that it’s not. That’s something you can do yourself. What we’re going to do together is come up with some strategies for you to manage the day at school if you’re tired because you know you can, but you might need to remember those when you’d start worrying too. Just like you have strategies to try to help you to sleep, you can have strategies to try when you haven’t slept too.

Thank you for all the helpful suggestions.

Hoping tonight will be slightly better, I am exhausted so fingers crossed!

If she gets physically tense try a walk before bedtime or some yoga, the peaceful sort that's focused on breathing and gentle stretching (she can get up and do the latter if she can't sleep).

Make bedtime 10pm or earlier. I always wake up a bit at 10pm even if I was sleepy earlier.

Fingers crossed 🤞 for you both OP

I'm a terrible sleeper and so is one of my kids.

Things that have changed my life are:

• Really nice comfy sleep mask

• Headphones in a fabric headband that you can have on near your ears as you sleep (and then listen to something like Terry Pratchett which is at once absorbing but hard to follow ) My friend swears by ASMR audios but I can't bear them.

• weighted blanket

• writing in my diary before going to bed in an attempt to empty my head of the day and prepare for the next one.

•I wash my face in the evening but never near bed time as it wakes me up.

Other things:

No exercise other than sometimes gentle stretches before bed as most exercises wake me up.

Sometimes I'll have a chamomile flower tea or use a lavender oil.

V Low level lighting in the evening and no screens, 2 hours before bed.

Sometimes I'll read but make the font size on my kindle small as that sends me off, bigger text I can read much longer.

Oily fish, almonds and goji berries all have melatonin which helps with sleep so consider these for evening meals and snacks.