20 month old

[Stressedmum27]

im at my breaking point . I have a 20 month old boy and I’m struggling . He has never been a good sleeper but he’s horrendous the now and I’m exhausted. He started co sleeping with me a year ago because he was up every hr and it was helping a little having him beside me . Now he wakes every 1hr to 1hr and a half and he is on me as he’s also breastfeeding still ( something I also want to stop but he refuses a bottle and I’m stuck with that too ) he won’t go back down without screaming. Hes even worse the now as he has a cold so is coughing and gagging. He only sleeps with me won’t settle for anyone else and this is the same for naps . Naps are only once a day and only for an hr and a half . He doesn’t sleep in a pram either . I have no family to get to watch him to have a break it’s literally just me and I feel done . When it’s during the day yeah he can be great but he’s having temper tantrums , hitting , trying to bite and won’t leave my side or stay off of me for breastfeeding. I don’t know what to do it’s just making me down . I’ve tried putting him in his own cot and he just screams and screams . Please someone help me

Do you have a relationship with his dad?

I do but he can’t get him to sleep , it’s left all to me to do every night and every nap time

Op that sounds so hard on you. I really think it is him waking to breastfeed that is causing this. Which is 100% only a problem if it's a problem for you, which it sounds like it is.

Do you think you could do this - www.drjaygordon.com/blog-detail/sleep-changing-patterns-in-the-family-bed ? You would basically get him used to cuddling to sleep instead. He'll wake a lot less when he knows milk isn't on offer.

It is hard I’m finding myself getting so frustrated at him and I don’t mean it but he’s constantly on me and every time I tell him no no more he cries and it’s back on he goes . I used to love breastfeeding and no one tells you how hard it is to get your baby/ toddler to stop . I just miss sleep and I know that sounds selfish but I have 3 other bigger kids as well and none of them were ever like this so I feel like I’ve failed somewhere and I don’t know how to fix it

If you've had 3 kids before then you must absolutely know this is not anything you've done!

Some of my friends have a daughter like this and she has grown out of it with dropping her nap at about 2.5 years. So you might not have too much longer to just wait it out?

I think if you need it to change now you just have to grit your teeth and not feed him at night and stick to your boundary. He will go back to sleep without it but it could take an hour or two of tantruming in the middle of the night first. Your not leaving him to cry but being there for him and his feelings just the way you would with a tantrum at any other time of day.

Yeah my others are 15 , 11 and 9 and there were never this bad at sleeping . This is the longest I’ve ever breast fed for and I was so proud but now it’s just so constant and I’m just finding it hard .

I hear you. I night weaned my ds with this Jay Gordon method at 15 months and it saved breastfeeding for me. Still doing it at just over 2. But having someone want to suckle me all night long felt like torture.

I think if I let ds self wean he would be one if those who keeps it up until he's 5. I will stop him completely at some point but not sure when. I don't have the emotional energy for it right now and it isn't troubling me at the moment.

Lgbirmingham im so glad it’s not just me . Like I do love the bond I have with him but it’s just getting too much and the lack of sleep as well . I get so jealous of other parents who sleep through and don’t experience any of this

You could absolutely night wean him successfully if you wanted to. You just have to mentally steal yourself and absolutely stick to it and not cave. I was surprised that it was only about 50% as hard as I imagined it would be. Might be easier for you as a 20 month old would have more understanding if you explain to him during the day about what is going to happen.

I've been there...twice! So can understand how hard it is.Between 1&2 they really ramp it up with the 'breastfeeding demandingness' IMO.I totally get what you mean about how no-one tells you about what a tie breastfeeding can become, as lovely as it is.
It's wonderful feeding on demand when you can but as its becoming so intense I think you need to put some more boundaries in with the feeding now.

I have had to do that with both my girls-night weaned my first DD at 24mths and with my 15mo DD2 I've had to cut down the daytime feeds recently as if I feed her too much in the day she won't eat much which I think makes the night wakings worse as she is hungry.
Does your little boy eat much in the day?

You could also gradually put boundaries in place with reducing how long you feed him for each time- I say 'last time' when it's the final go and that seems to help.Then gradually phase in more cuddles/drinks of water than feeding (maybe try and get dad involved in this then step in for a short feed to 'finish' if she won't settle with him) this is how we did nightweaning with DD1 and after a few nights with minimal upset she was sleeping through the night.

I think putting a dressing gown on so your breasts are less accessible can help too.

Good luck- and welldone for doing so well with b/feeding him as long as you have- it isn't easy ❤️

You need to night wean him for your health and sanity. You need sleep.

At 20 months he doesn't need a bottle. If you're happy to continue breastfeeding in the day then give him his bedtime feed and a story, put him in his own bed to sleep. Then when he wakes through the night his dad goes in with a sippy cup of water. He will cry, of course he will. But you need to leave his dad to learn how to settle him. Don't interrupt, and put headphones/earplugs in if you can't bear the crying. He's safe with his dad. It'll take time but give it a few nights and he'll be fine and everyone will feel better for it.

There are some good books for children about weaning off breastmilk. At 20 months he will understand. Introduce it as a bedtime book for a week maybe. Then on the day that you're going to night wean, each time he has breastmilk in the day say to him "remember we have milk (or "boobies" or whatever your word is for it) in the day but not at bedtime." Whoever does the night wakings (I strongly suggest your husband but it will still work if you do it and are resolute) you say the same to him when you go in "remember, no milk at bedtime" and offer him a cuddle and some water.

You have to stay strong and keep putting him back to bed after a cuddle and water. Basically the pick up put down method. Someone is with him and he's not being left alone to cry. You'll probably see his appetite for food increase in the day once you night wean too.

Thank you for all your messages and support . He can eats loads during the day food wise but still go on me but to be fair I think it’s more he’s using me as a dummy ? Like sometimes he doesn’t take a single drop of milk . I know I need to get him off it and I need to stick to it it’s just been hard especially when he’s been sick recently . But I need to for me and to see if he will sleep better cos I can’t keep doing what I’m doing

Oh I can completely relate to relapsing when they're sick. We initially cracked the night weaning. My husband did all night wakings and offered only water.

Then he got a sickness bug and fever and we fell back into breastfeeding at night. It gradually ramped up and up again. Didn't matter how well he ate, there was always room for breast milk. It's habit and comfort.

Second time round I cracked it myself. I decided I was going to show him that mummy is still here for comfort but no milk at night. It was better the second time round with me doing it myself.

I also decided to offer a cuddle and water to his teddy bear before him. I've no idea what prompted me to do this I just had a thought that it might work. And it did! I would say "oh poor teddy is sad maybe he'd like some water and a cuddle" then pretend to give teddy a drink of water. My son was crying standing up in his cot but watching all of this. Then he wanted the water. I made a big show of cuddling teddy and putting him back down and stroking his head. Then did the same with my son. Lots of talking and reassurance. Had to do that a lot for the first few nights.

Now he sleeps 12 hours with only the occasional wake up and is settled straight away with a quick cuddle. My husband and I agreed there's no going back now. Next time he's sick he'll still get comfort from us with cuddles and water. But it's not fair on him to go back now.

I would absolutely stop breastfeeding altogether at this point. I fed all mine till at least a year, and my DD till 2, but at about 20 months I was starting to really struggle with becoming very irritated by it, despite all my best intentions, and I was only feeding her a few times a day. All night would have driven me insane. You've done incredibly well to BF for this long. A few days after stopping he'll have forgotten all about it.

Well that’s me up already started screaming for no reason in his sleep and now won’t settle as he keeps coughing. Demanding to be breastfed as well

He will settle. My son starts coughing when he's upset and crying too. It doesn't matter that he's "demanding" to be breastfed. He's 20 months old, tell him that there's no milk at bedtime and he can have milk in the morning. Keep saying the same phrases to him. In the morning tell him he's a good boy waiting for his morning milk.

You have to stay strong or he won't learn. He does not need the milk at all at his age let alone through the night while keeping you up constantly. You'll run yourself into the ground with exhaustion.

Hi op, it's so tough. I would pick a time when he doesn't have a cold to start nightweaning if I were you. You could still do it successfully whilst he has a cold I think, but it's just that he's going to wake more than normal and you'll have to get him back to sleep more times so it will be harder.

For me once I initially night weaned I have never relapsed. Even through colds and ear infections. He just doesn't expect the milk anymore so it hasn't been a problem. I have however maintained a post 4am feed as the Jay Gordon method only gets you to do a long period over night. I think I probably could drop it though as he sleeps an entire night sometimes.

Yeah I think I’m going to get him off night feeds when he’s not so loaded with this cold . We both need our space me more than him and I hope he doesn’t get too upset as I hate that

@Stressedmum27 my goodness this is literally as if I'm reading my own situation. I hear you! How are things now? We are in exactly the same boat. My son will be 2 in April and I am still breastfeeding throughout the night and day. I definitely feel as if I'm done now, although I didn't before. Last night was absolutely awful and I know for the sake of my own mental health and wellbeing that something needs to give. We previously had success with night weaning, similar to above for a few nights he protested and became very upset but I stayed strong and said no more milk its sleepy time. Would put him back down in cot and leave the room. At the time I read the happy sleeper book (highly recommend) so was using that method for his sleeping too. A week in and he was doing 7-4, then I would feed around 4am and he would go back down until 6/7! Then BAM illness strikes again and everything went out of the window. My husband helps here and there but takes medication which helps him go to sleep (he has insomnia) so sometimes he doesn't even notice the baby crying. Its putting a huge strain on our relationship, I really snapped this morning at our 5 y/o too which was horrible for us both. I've decided I am going to crack back on with it tonight regardless of anything else and just persevere. I think more than anything they need consistence. Sending love x

Our daughter is 20 months and has probably slept in her own cot all night less than a handful of times.. feel like I live in an open prison.. rarely go out as she's so difficult to put down to sleep and then we are up constantly in the night with her. When will it end?!? I'm working towards her being 2.... fingers crossed!!!!!

How long are her daytime naps? I was close to having to nightwean as bedtimes were late or else she was up every 1-2hrs in the evening, and nightwakings every couple of hours too since Xmas.However the last couple of weeks I've cut my 15mo's naps down from 2hrs to 1hr and it's made a big difference!

@MCRMama mine is still not sleeping in his cot has started waking up every hr or so . I really miss sleep . Trying sleep training and weaning again but it’s so hard

She normally has between 1 and 2 hours but even that can be a struggle as she fights sleep!!!

I know.. same. Think I last had a good night's sleep in July...!