Horrific Sleep Regression & Separation Anxiety at 12 Months

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My DD has always been a pretty good sleeper. She started sleeping through at 10 weeks and has always had a very consistent bedtime and nap schedule. Yes, we had difficulty with the 4 month regression and a few bumpy patches here and there but, all in all, she would sleep from 7:30pm to around 7/730am.

Around the 11 month mark she started going loopy with her naps, constantly skipping her morning one refusing her afternoon one, and then vice versa. After much trying, we decided she was ready to drop to 1 nap a day as she would just refuse any second nap we offered her. Not ideal as she is a bit young but that seemed to be her preference. We implemented a new routine of her having her lunch and napping after (around 12:30) and, after a while, she adapted quite well to this. We also thought it was good timing as she was due to start nursery and that's when they encourage the babies to sleep.

She is now 11 months and 3 weeks and has just gone completely loopy for the past few days. She started nursery and had her settling in sessions and first whole day and has really struggled. She is only going 1 day a week so will still be with us most of the time but has changed so much in personality since dropping to 1 nap and starting daycare. She has never been a clingy/huggy baby and has spent much time with her grandparents and being taken out and about.

Unfortunately she suddenly started being a bit clingy with me shortly before she was due to start nursery. I have taken a years mat leave so I guess it is understandable and I know separation anxiety can strike at this point too. But she is being horrific, really horrific, with my partner which she never was before. She pushes her away and just wants to come to me 24/7 (we are a same-sex couple FYI). My partner is very much present, works from home and it has always been 50/50 in terms of the childcare when she isn't at work. She is besotted with our daughter and worships her more than I do! Seeing her being completely rejected by DD now just breaks my heart.

The past few nights our DD has refused to go down in her cot. Previously she has never struggled to sleep there and has always been happy in her own room. Although we are following the same routine - bath, bottle, bed - she just seems completely hyped, even though she is surviving off far less daytime and night time sleep than usual (the last few nights she has only had 5-6 hours of night sleep and 1 hour of daytime sleep - mad).

To sum up the past few nights: she usually starts crying as soon as we put her down in the crib, sometimes we manage to settle her to sleep and she goes from exhaustion, sometimes not. She is usually awake for around 4 hours before passing out. We have tried standing next to the crib, stroking her head, speaking to her, sleeping on the floor in the nursery. Nothing consoles her, she just keeps standing up and asking to be held by me and will only calm down when I hold her. If I hold her for a bit and calm her down, then try and put her back down in the crib, she immediately tries to stand up again. She is hysterical when my partner tries to console her and starts choking through her screams. We have brought her into our bed (which is something we NEVER EVER do) but she doesn't want to sleep; she just sees it as play and starts babbling and throwing herself around. The other night she split my partner's lip open (blood everywhere) because she can't keep still. I appreciate keeping her in her crib is best but after 2 hours or so of trying, your back gives in and you just want some rest. If she manages to fall asleep in our bed, we try transporting her back to her cot but now even that isn't working. As soon as we move her she is hysterical and just throws her arms out for me. But she won't even sleep if I lay her down next to me, just wants to play.

We have never had a regression like this before. She is inconsolable and a completely different child. We are surviving off 4-5 hours sleep at night max. When she wakes, we do leave her for a while in the hopes she will settle but she works herself up so quickly, it just escalates into complete hysteria. And once she's up, she will stay up for 4 hours, that's it. Even when she lays down and keeps still, her eyes are wide open and she just stares. I'm freaking out as I'm going back to work soon with a lengthy commute and can't imagine functioning like this.

Please can someone help? My partner and I are in tears every night now because it is so unbearable. The days are obviously awful too as DD is so overtired but, if we put her down for a morning nap, she will refuse another one later in the day. She also has picked up a cold from nursery which isn't helping things.

It is 9:30am and she is currently screaming the house down. She's exhausted but, like I said, if I put her down now, that will be it until bedtime so I have to drag her to lunch time. (FYI: she was so exhausted yesterday that I caved and let her nap at 10:30am and, again, that was it for the day; so trying to reincorporate the morning nap just isn't working).

Desperately looking for some advice. My MIL is meant to be coming to stay next week (she only sees DD once or twice a year as she lives abroad) and we are now thinking to cancel which is heartbreaking.

All of my friends have struggled with regressions and sleep at times, but there is no one I know who has had such a violent reaction as this, especially from a baby that was previously a pretty good sleeper.

Could it be her molars coming through so she has sore teeth? Try giving her calpol at bedtime
They are a nightmare when they drop a nap though and she has a lot going on with nursery too

Didn't want to read and run.

This sounds tough, my LO seems to be going through a regression and is fighting his 2nd nap but isn't ready for 1 (he's 9mo 3wks but always been able to stay awake longer than avg). I'm also taking a year mat leave and expecting the worst when I go back to work as he can be clingy at times.

Can you temporarily co-sleep? It's not what I planned to do, but it's what has worked for our family in terms of most sleep/least stress.

I expect your baby will be wanting more connection from you now you've gone back to work, and add to that nap transition and other developmental changes, so it might be a good temporary solution.

Re partner refusal, we've also gone through phases of that and have just had to adjust the bedtime routine so DP still can play a key role without upsetting DS.

Thanks @AdamRyan. We have questioned this too. Loaded her up with Calpol & ibroprofen the other night but made no difference. Since yesterday she has refused both, we can’t get anything down her. Managed to look in her mouth a couple of times and can’t see anything either. I desperately hope it is her molars as it least that would give some explanation to the madness. It’s all just so frustrating.

Thank you @Calphurnia88. Sorry to hear you are also going through a tough time. Nap transitions can be pretty gruelling. Strangely my DD appeared to adjust quite quickly to the 1 nap and suddenly went upside down a couple of weeks later.

Co-sleeping will be difficult as we’re not set up for that. I move a lot in my sleep, as does DD, so the only way it works is if I’m awake and she’s asleep. I’m really reluctant to co-sleep as she’s always been so happy in her own crib.

I haven’t actually gone back to work yet, that’s what’s making me even more stressed! How much worse can it get?!

Sorry to hear you’ve also gone through partner refusal. It is so heartbreaking isn’t it? Guess we just have to keep persevering.

I’m taking DD to the Dr today. I’m so worried, I don’t understand how she’s gone from functioning on about 14 hours of night & day sleep, to about 5-6. Worried there will be serious damage if this continues. And I am so bloody tired. Feel completely upside down.

This sounds so hard. I would suggest professional sleep training help. Someone who comes in and stays. Within a week you will see a vast difference, your LO is overtired and of course not behaving that well because of it. Hopefully it's "just" a sleep problem but great you are going to the Dr.

What was the trigger for that change of behaviour? Did it start before nursery?

This sounds really tough. A few thoughts:

Dropping to 1 nap before 12 months is really unusual - are you sure it isn't worth trying to revisit her nap routine and go back to 2 for a while? She must be exhausted. I personally would revert back to a more typical 12 month schedule and try to get her having 2 decent naps per day. Timings will obviously depend on when she wakes but roughly
Nap 1 - 2.5 hours after waking for 45-60 mins
Nap 2 - 3/3.5 hours after waking for 90-120 mins
Bedtime 4/4.5 hours after waking from Nap 2

Most nurseries don't recommend children only going 1 day a week because it is not sufficient for them to learn to settle in. Could you increase her days?

The indifference towards your partner is totally normal. Our daughter goes through seriously anti-daddy phases despite us sharing the parental load as equally as possible. However balanced you are as a couple, if you were the one on mat leave you will have carried more parenting load and she just associates you with her needs being met. It will get better in time but expect these phases to come and go. It's rough for your partner but she has to keep in mind it is absolutely not personal or a reflection on her bond with her daughter. Try not to make a big deal out of it, don't force her to be with your partner when you're present. Try to spend some time out of your home so they can spend time together - she will almost certainly be calmer when she knows you're not there at all as an option.

Ah sorry I assumed since she had started nursery that you were already back in work.

As a subsequent poster has said, maybe it was too soon to drop to 1 nap? Today was the first day I've cut both naps short for DS to get 2 in - felt a bit mean but I know he struggles on 1.

If it makes you feel any better we've always struggled to get DS in the cot, he has to be fully asleep before we can transfer. And we're already on our 2nd wakeup tonight 🥴

1. Don't cancel your MiL. Assuming she is a nice, normal person, take the help go and lie down for half an hour while they do some painting or baking or whatever MiLs do

2. One day a week at nursery is going to be extremely hard for your daughter. I know it seems kind because she gets to spend most of her time with you but you have to see the other side of how hard the one day is for her. Can you up her hours an give her more chance of settling?

3. My daughter has a lot of transitions in her life and, honestly, this all sounds very familiar, even down to getting headbutted by a baby arsing about in bed. It feels impossible when you're in it, but it will likely pass over very quickly. Try and avoid the urge to change 1000 things in a desperate search for a solution. Do what it takes to survive. For me, that was bringing her into bed, in the knowledge that even if I couldn't sleep, I could rest. And when she was calmed down again, she went back to her cot no bother.

4. Your partner should crack on with doing things with the baby, even if she's unhappy about iy. You can acknowledge her sadness that you're not doing whatever with her, and then let your partner get on. "I know, you want me to put you to bed. Mummy's going to do it tonight and I'll see you in the morning". It's not fair on either of you, especially you energy-wise, for one person to do everything because the alternative causes tears.

Good luck! The back to work days are hard with the tears and the teeth and the colds, but in 3 months, it'll all be a memory.

There's so much going on for her at this point I think you're underestimating the impact of so much change and developmental changes too. You have had it very easy to be blunt with her sleeping through maybe you need to return to your soothing skills and take it in turns to comfort her with going back to basics e.g. white noise, comforter, lots of gentle singing and swaying.

My 18 month old is still on two naps a day. I'm really surprised she dropped her nap so early and think this isn't helping especially with her now going to nursery and being very stimulated.

We've never been able to put ours down until in a deep sleep and still get at least 2 wake ups before 4am. We started bringing her into our bed from about 12 months and she's now much better at sleeping in her cot for some of the night so it's not had a negative effect or created other issues here.

Just FYI for any future readers - we are a couple of weeks on and it is in fact her molars cutting through which appear to be a large source of the problem. She is still struggling with separation anxiety and we have resorted to letting her cry it out. Is horrific for us but has produced better results and enabled her to get more sleep. We do go in if she is hysterical. Hug her, spend 5 mins calming her down, administer Ibuprofen if necessary and then put her back. She has got marginally better but still likes a good scream. Will update again as time goes on - hopefully years down the line when this is but a distant memory!!!

What a horrible update. She's only one, experiencing loads of change, and in pain, and you just let her cry alone until hysterical?

OP your baby is only 11 mths old these months don’t always progres in a linear fashion, and teething, potty training and sleep all become a little chaotic and unpredictable. I would say your daughter is extremely over tired, exhausted, confused and accutely sensitive to her safe haven you.. I would recommend to bring back two sleeps. Invest in a sleep therapist or take a week off and resettle sleep patterns Sleep begets sleep. You will all feel better emotionally.

Glad it wasn't just me that found this hard to read.

@Isthisexpected @Calphurnia88 Please be mindful of your words. My DD is a long-awaited IVF baby after a string of recurrent miscarriages. I have been in floods of tears whilst letting her cry it out and your comments really upset me this morning - on her birthday of all days. You are perfectly within your rights to say that this approach is not for you, but you are making it sound like I am wanting to torture my own child.

We did not opt for the crying it out method before trying lots of other options first. As previously stated, I have done the following:

• Soothed her in her cot - hour after hour after hour
• Had cuddles for long periods of time and taken her back to her crib
• Tried to have her fall asleep in our bed and take her back to her crib
• Slept on the floor in her nursery
• Had her co-sleep in our bed
• Co-slept with her in our spare bed
• Played with her in the nursery before bedtime to make her happy in the room
• White noise every night and black out blinds - standard

All the methods we have tried (bar the white noise and black out blinds which have been there since birth) have not worked. Me being there makes it impossible to leave. She cannot sleep in an adult bed and flings herself around everywhere. I stayed with her all night in our spare bed until 7am and she had horrific sleep, waking every 20 mins or so because she couldn't get comfortable and wanted to be in her cot.

We do not just leave her to cry - we do controlled crying so go back into the room to remind her we are here. In the past couple of weeks her crying has significantly decreased, to the point where she only cries for about 30 seconds when we initially leave the room. She has been sleeping much better and is happier for it. If we kept going in every time she cried, she would not be sleeping. Fact.

I personally would never want to co-sleep - I have only attempted it because I had exhausted so many options. However, I do not tell my friends who choose to co-sleep with their children (some of which are 6) that they are 'horrible' as they are not allowing their children to settle independently. Every child is different and has their own way of coping - same for parents. If we had continued to go into our daughter's room every time she cried, she would probably still be getting 6-7 hours of night sleep as opposed to the 11-12 she is now getting.

Thank you @MrsHGWells - we actually managed to get her back on 2 naps a day over the past few days. I think she is in a transitionary stage but definitely needs the sleep for now. Desperately hoping this helps until she gets big enough to handle the 1 nap. Also desperately hoping she doesn't start refusing her second nap again. Separation anxiety is certainly a testing time for them!

I'm sorry you went through a difficult journey to motherhood, but I'm not sure what response you are expecting from your update.

Glad you're all getting more sleep.

Hope things are better. Don't feel guilty about crying out. I have done it at some point with all of my children and they are very lovely well adjusted babies.

Thank you so much. Things are a lot better now. She’s 16 months and we haven’t experienced anything quite like the 12 month regression chaos! Sleep training can be brutal but I believe that everything we have done enabled us to have a child that slept through the night from 10 weeks. Yes, there have been regressions and difficulties but, overall, my daughter does well and we get much needed sleep. Most of my friends refuse to let their children cry and are still up multiple times a night feeding them. Not for me!

Of course! Sleep is important and a rested mum is crucial.
Sleep training has no adverse impact, you can read what Emily Oster says about it. Very interesting.

My third baby didn't have to be sleep trained, I taught him over several weeks how to fall asleep on his own and he slept through at 4 months. Then at 11 months he started refusing to be put to bed for naps. I was a bit miffed the first day as I wasn't expecting it at all, I thought something was wrong... but then the following day after realising that all was ok with him, I put him down to bed with a big cuddle and said "mummy knows what's good for you and me and you don't have a choice, sleepy time" - he was furious for 20 minutes and fell asleep. I can't even remember what happened next but it was a small blip and now at 13 months he dives into bed to his lovey. ❤️ ❤️

Warm hugs and wishes to you and your partner. We are going through a pretty much identical situation and it's soul wrenching. Please do not let those words penetrate the progress you're making, or knock you down in any way. There will always be people that don't understand or see things through your eyes. I see it though and I know what incredible, strong and loving mums you both are. Keep shining

Thank you so much @MammaTurtle for your kind message. It was such a heart-warming note to read! I am so sorry to hear that you and your partner are also enduring this. It is a gruelling time. My daughter is 20 months now and I am pleased to report that this has not yet happened again. I'm still traumatised from the 'crying it out' method but it was the only thing that worked in the end. She has done much better with her sleep since. I send you all the strength during this time and hope that things settle for you very soon. Keep being the kind and wonderful person you are! Hugs xxx

Hello! I’m experiencing the same thing - my baby slept through from four months and never needed sleep training, was happy to be put down in her cot and go to sleep herself etc. Suddenly at 11 months she’s screaming when put down for naps or bedtime. It took 2 hours to get her to sleep the last two nights and I’ve given up and using the buggy for naps. This has been going on three days. Did you just do your usual routine and let him complain? I’ve never really left her to cry but I actually feel it might be kinder and less confusing at this stage - us going in and comforting seems to make her more frantic and keep her up longer! Any advice appreciated!