I slept through 6 month old crying

[MrsDaffodil13]

Hey,

So first post here so apologises if I've put this in the wrong place!

Desperately looking for some advice what I can do to sort myself out. I'm feeling absolutely terrible. I'm not a crier, but I haven't stopped crying over this. No doubt, I'm rubbish, and really need some advice to sort it!

So DD has been waking up on the hour every hour for the past 6 weeks. DH works long days with dangerous machinery so ive been doing all the waking until about a week ago where it became too much DH has had to share the load over the Christmas period. We tried everything to get her back to sleeping through the night, and nothing worked. Eventually my husband suggested we move her to her own room in case it's us disturbing her and she's becoming more aware (she's 6 months old, and he snores like you wouldnt believe. You can hear him snoring from outside our house, literally!). I wasn't keen but eventually said we would try.

It was amazing, she woke up at 2am for a bit of comfort and half a bottle and woke up at 6am. We were beside ourselves as you can imagine!

We have a camera in her room. For the past 3 nights I haven't woken up when she's cried (DH said I don't even stir, it's like I am quite literally dead to the world). Not once! DH has been getting up with her every night and this has increased to about 3-4 times per night. Which is still a hell of a lot better than before and seems to be just for her dummy.

I've got the baby monitor on the chest of drawers on the other side of the bedroom, and now my phone (also connected to monitor) right next to my face on full volume. But zip.

Now here comes the worst part: last night DH wasn't home and so I set alarms on her usual wake times, put all the monitors right next to me on max volume, everything. She woke up and cried for 40 minutes before I woke up. I dashed in and sorted her out, but she was distressed. Real tears and everything. She's never been left to cry, ever. And now I just abandoned her to cry it out for almost an hour.

So need advice, naturally I'm exhausted from what the last 6 weeks has done to me. But this is no excuse. I can't leave her to cry, I can't fail her again. I feel absolutely terrible and honestly questioning my ability to be her mother. Clearly I have no maternal instinct as I'm not in tune or aware of her needs on a subconscious level like other mums experience. I desperately need to know of anything i can do to wake myself when she needs me. So if anyone knows of any device that will get me awake, I'll do anything, vibrating pillow, siren alarm, electric shock alert, literally anything to not fail her like this again.

Thanks in advance!

Please don’t beat yourself up - it’s knackering! Why don’t you move her back into your room for a bit? Or put a monitor right next to your head - literally by your ear? Or could you camp out on a single mattress in her room, the nights your DH is away?

To sleep through your own baby crying you must be really exhausted - you're hard-wired to respond and to be able to sleep through it is a sign that you're beyond normal tiredness.

You need to sleep.

Your DD won't come to any harm from being left to cry occasionally. Don't beat yourself up about that.

Instead, look to find ways to get your sleep - can you hire a babysitter from early evening until midnight for a few days, and get 5-6 hours sleep daily that way?

I know it's hard, but I would try your very best not to feel dreadful. Can you bring her back into your room when your husband is away (as it does sound like his snoring was disturbing her?). I think that point about making some opportunities to catch up on sleep is probably the absolute key here.

I assume you can hear the monitor plenty loudly when you're awake? Just thinking you probably need to be confident it's not a hearing thing.

The priority here is YOUR sleep. You do have motherly instincts as you are so distressed about the situation.

Do you have a relative that could do a couple of nights watch for you?

To be honest I'm so tired at this point I don't even realise how tired I am lol. At Christmas I fell asleep over my mums, sitting up holding a coffee in a room full of my newphews playing with their toys and adults having conversations. It did cause some amusement because it was literally a sleeping beauty moment apparently; one minute I was awake and the next I was out of it! facepalm

I definitely think husband snoring was disturbing her. I've suggested to DH that he sleeps in the spare room and I bring her back in our room, but understandably he doesn't want to be apart from either of us. He's really great and honestly doesn't mind waking for her. It was a one off him being away (thankfully) but now I'm worried he will mess up at work and hurt himself because of my failure to respond!

She doesn't nap much during the day so I don't have much opportunity to catch up on any sleep during the day unfortunately. She's also almost crawling so it's not like I can snooze while she plays as she's everywhere, albeit slowly at the moment.

Maybe hiring a babysitter would be a good shout. But with the cost of living the way it is, I couldn't do this long term unfortunately :(

I am half deaf in one hear thanks to a sport injury which doesn't help. But baby monitor is definitely loud enough for me to hear when I'm awake. Recently I just tend to zonk out entirely when I sleep.

That’s strange, I thought we were hard wired to wake at babies cries no matter what.

It sounds like your exhaustion, your habituation to DH snoring (LTB) have contributed to this.

No advise but just as much as you need a bomb alarm clock, you need to get your DH to address his sleep/snoring issue.

Just a thought - what about baby monitors which are adapted for deaf parents?

If you’re really so exhausted you’re falling asleep sitting up the obvious solution is for your DH to take the monitor for a couple of nights when he’s off work, you sleep with ear plugs in the spare room, and catch up on sleep. Then you swap so he can get some undisturbed sleep as well. As you’re not BF this is a good option for you!

If he goes away again then you’ll need to sleep in the same room as your child unless you can find an adapted baby monitor which wakes you.

I’ve EBF both my babies so always done every night wake but with both of them and they are both probably worse sleepers than your baby (who used to sleep through, amazing!). But, I remember six months being hideous for sleep. It will get better.

Don't worry about having left her, I don't think there's any evidence that leaving a child to cry as a rare thing actually damages them in anyway.

My smart watch has a vibrate function which is really good, I think that would be worth a try! If you can sleep through a phone alarm and a monitor going off with your child crying, full volume, I'm not sure that you would even wake up with her in the room!

A monitor designed for hard of hearing is a good shout, thank you! Will look into this today.

Thanks for the reassurance everyone, just feel terrible. She squealed with excitement when she saw me in the morning and has been giving me her best smiles. So she's not holding a grudge bless her!

You are exhausted and that is an excuse. It might not be one you are comfortable with but it's a fact. There's a reason you need a village to raise a child! My only advice would be you will wake up, if you are less exhausted. Is there a way you can catch up on sleep, get some down time on your own? Do you have any support other than your DH? I imagine this is a phase and will pass. Do you know what she is waking for? Is she able to have a late night milk/ snack at around 10 to see if that settles her for longer?

I’m wondering if you need a check on your iron levels. I was sleeping the clock round at the most inconvenient times (snoring DH but no baby) turned out to be a medical issue.

Rather than bringing her back into your bedroom why don't you get a pull out bed in her room? DH will have to do what's best for you both regarding the snoring

A pull out bed in her room (if it will fit - or ideally a single with a pull out bed underneath it ready for when she needs a bed?) is a good idea.

Just a thought but have you thought of purchasing an alarm that vibrates under your pillow? May be worth researching under baby alarms for deaf parents. I know you can hear but a vibration may just wake you if your laying on it

Please be kind to yourself, you are doing a fantastic job. We are programmed to wake up when they cry - when you don't it's because you're not asleep, you're passed out. Your body needs the sleep to function. A few instances of her being left to cry won't make any difference but if you can reframe your thinking to not have such high expectations it could have a real benefit for your mental health. DH needs to help however he can, if you can't get him to do full nights then either the first evening hours or the early morning hours. Good luck x

Can I just ask is your little one getting enough solids? My son started waking all through the night at that age and we found that he was just super hungry. It’s not that we didn’t give him enough milk, just he was super into more solids. And please don’t beat yourself up… I bet you’re a fabulous mam :)

Thanks for all your supportive comments everyone, I won't lie it's made me well up all over again! So huge thank you <3

I've got a vibrating pillow pad on order along with a hard of hearing monitor which is meant to be loud. DH also suggested we give her porridge for dinner tonight instead of veggies so it might fill her a little more. So hopefully this will work, but if not we have a back up once they arrive - thank god for next day delivery.

Thankfully while I don't have much support, I'm fortunate to have a great hubby who has spent the day reassuring me and doesn't moan about waking with her. It's me who is the worry gut in that regard!

Thanks for the support everyone. ❤️

My husband snores so loudly too and I'm so used to this over the last 10years it's made me be able to sleep through very loud noises and even now my lo can cry for some time before I wake! So I'm sure this contributes.
Don't be too hard on yourself though baby didn't come to any harm and will sleep better in a few months.

@MrsDaffodil13 hearing impairment runs in our family. If I were you I would contact your GP or HV and ask for a referral to audiology and occupational therapy before you spend a fortune on equipment that might not help you.

Your DH should also seek advice from his GP re the snoring issue both for your sake and his health.

You had some great advice re feeding DD on this thread. A weetabix supper was the key with DS. Good luck

If your husband has been getting up for the past few nights and you’re still this tired I would honestly suggest going to the gp. The level of tiredness you’re describing after you’ve had a few nights of unbroken sleep seems unusual.

Personally I would try bedsharing. If you were waking when she was in the room it could be a solution. It just means preparing the bed safely and following the bed sharing guidelines to ensure you both get safe sleep, but at least you would be close when she did wake. Especially if your partner works away. After a few scary incidents with those owlet things I personally wouldn’t trust technology to keep my child safe.

Hey all,

Figured I'd put an update on here for anyone who has a similar thing.

Went to the GP and iron levels are quite low, but not concerning. Primarily she said my body is showing signs of extreme exhaustion. DH was with me and she recommended he take our DD out for the day and let me rest. The mum guilt was real, but I ended up sleeping for nearly 15 hours within a 24 hour period!!

The headaches I've been experiencing daily for weeks have finally gone, and I'm officially able to wake up for DD again. HV is also coming to visit to give sleep advice for DD to hopefully stop her waking every hour - keep everything crossed.

So, yeah, exhaustion is no joke! Lol

Thanks again for the support all

Great that you went to GP for support. Great they found the cause and gave extra support. Enjoy your baby now. 💐

Being tired and not having bat like hearing doesn’t mean you failed her.

She was safe. She is safe. You went to her the moment you realised she needed you. That is enough.

Try and be kind to yourself. It’s truly OK. No harm done. She won’t have remembered by the time she woke up again - she think’s you are amazing cause you’re her mum.