Want a second child - but how do we cope with the sleep deprivation?

[NellDunnHadItRight]

I hope this is the right place to post this as it's a hypothetical scenario rather than an actual one!

My husband and I have one child, a beautiful little girl who is 17 months old. We’ve been discussing having a second, and both of us want one. We’ve got the usual worries – finances, whether we have enough space in our terraced house, childcare – but my main worry is how to handle the sleep deprivation. Specifically, how to handle my husband’s sleep deprivation.

Here's the problem: if it were just a matter of tiredness, I’d leave him to suffer, but he has some health conditions that are exacerbated by lack of sleep. Firstly, migraines. He had some absolutely brutal migraines during our daughter's first few months. They don’t last long, but when they do, he can hardly keep his eyes open, let alone look after a baby. They’re mostly under control at the moment thanks to medication and our DD’s gradually improving sleep, but he still gets the odd one. Secondly, anxiety. He’s always been a worrier but during COVID this developed into what the doctor diagnosed as Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). He works in healthcare so had a very hard time of it. When our DD arrived his anxiety spiraled again, and the lack of sleep made it worse. Again, matters improved as we got the hang of looking after her and settled into a routine, and although he’s still the more anxious parent it’s not to a crazy degree.

So, while we both want a second child, I have reservations about returning to the newborn phase, this time with a very lively toddler to contend with. Our DD has nearly always been a good sleeper, but there is no guarantee that we’d get a second one. And the idea of wrangling two children while my husband is laid out with a migraine or trying to talk him down from one of his fits of anxiety fills me with foreboding! We’re lucky in having supportive families, but all our brothers/sisters have jobs and families of their own, and our parents are getting on (and aren’t as robust as they used to be) so while they might be able to help out for a few hours here and there we can’t expect them to do too much childcare. DD will be starting nursery in a couple of months, albeit only in the mornings, which will offer a little respite.

My question is: parents of more than one sprog, how the heck did you manage the sleep deprivation? Any suggestions or tips would be great. I love my DD to bits (even when she’s emptying my sock drawer and pulling all the paired socks apart or chucking her cereal on the carpet) and really want a second, so I don’t want to spend my pregnancy worrying about how we’ll manage or how I'll survive the first few months trying to juggle my DD, a new baby and worries about my husband’s health.

Introduce a bottle from day 1 and work in shifts. Our baby is mixed fed.

DH does the 8pm - 12-1amish shift and gives a bottle/bottles whilst I sleep. Then I take over and he sleeps til morning.

We both get no less than 6/7 hours sleep a night and have done since baby was a newborn. He's now 3 months.

This is our third child and we seem to have sorted nights that work for everyone so that we all get sleep. I also get migraines so sleep is important.

Can you leave it a few more years so your dd is a bit older? In my experience the sleep deprivation isn't nearly so much of a killer 2nd and 3rd time around because you are used to being tired. But we never had any health issues to contend with so I can see that would make it a lot worse. In your position I would wait a few years.

Well my 3yo still doesn't sleep. Multiple wake ups every night!
I also have a 4 month old.

I had this exact fear as my DH is utterly useless in the night. With our first he literally did not one single night wake or feed and refused to ever help at night. To this day he never gets up to eldest in the night. As I was breastfeeding I let this slide on the whole (BIG MISTAKE).

I had horrific PND after number 1 so was nervous about making the sleep situation even worse.

I have been SO lucky that my #2 is a sleeper. Thank the lord I deserve that after the hell (sleep wise) of my first. #2 fed 2 hourly until about 8 weeks and then dropped feeds rapidly. He now gives me good 6-8hr stretches regularly and only generally takes one feed in the early hours of the morning. Long May this continue.
Toddler is still up 2-6 times a night.

Honestly it's been fucking brutal. I don't know how I function but I plod on. DH helps more this time and will take the little one if I have them both awake at the same time so everyone can settle quicker but that's about the limit of his help. Sleep deprivation has definitely negatively affected my mood (pretty badly) & I just focus on surviving most of the time.

However I don't regret my decision to have a second. I have lots of coping strategies this time that I didn't have last time.

1. medication. I got onboard with perinatal support right away when I found out I was pregnant and I have actually engaged fully. I've been open to getting my meds right to stabilise my mood as much as possible whilst I go through this.
2. I bottle fed instead of breastfed. Toddler is still taking feeds in the night (breastfeeding) and I can't get him to wean. It's a total nightmare & I can't get him to stop. Last time I just said no he screamed / vomited / headbanger etc for 6 hours and it broke me. (This is a whole other issue but I don't want to do it again). Being bottle fed also means I could if I had to leave for a night to sleep. I've never wanted to do this but the option is available to me.
3. I co slept from day 1 - with my first I had four painful months of trying to put the baby down to sleep and never getting more than 20 mins at a time. I took him into the bed with me and I got 2-3hrs. Life changing. This time I accepted I needed to get as much sleep as possible and I made a conscious decision to co-sleep safely from the beginning.
4. I sleep in a separate room from DH. Not the best for our relationship but he's a night owl and a shift worker and his irregular sleep patterns disturb me.
5. I frequently go to sleep at 7pm. Both kids are generally asleep 'for the night' and it's the time I get the longest stretch from both of them. So I get them in bed and just sleep myself. Again, not ideal for our relationship but we agreed we would just do what we needed to do to survive the early months.
6. eldest is in nursery 3 days a week. It gives me some time with the baby but also I get more opportunity to get a nap or just not be on the go all day.

None of this is ideal but I'm managing. I didn't want a huge age gap so I've made other sacrifices.
Knowing I'll never do this again helps me appreciate them being small a bit more.

I got sterilised after my 2nd. Mostly for medical reasons but also because our family was complete.

Full disclosure, I only have one DC but he is a bad sleeper and I wholeheartedly agree with points 3, 4 and 5 here.

If you'd have asked me when I was pregnant if I planned to co-sleep, sleep in a seperate room to DP I would have said no way, but 9 months in it's helped keep us all sane. It's only a season.

Thanks for your responses, everyone! I was lucky in that PND didn't hit too hard and also we combination fed so my DH was able to do some of night feeds - it's a case of his spirit is willing but his eyes won't stay open! We live in a two-bed house so separate rooms wouldn't work, but I'll give serious thought to everything else suggested. I hope you all get an uninterrupted night before too much longer!!!