15 month old no longer responding to sleep training methods and only wants Mum

[Bingjamin]

Hi all,
Our DD is now nearly 15 months old and has seemed to have taken quiet a big backwards steps in terms independent settling recently, to the point now we are really struggling to get her to sleep most nights.

Shes still waking atleast 2 times a night, and more often than not its 3 or 4 times, usually once to feed with Mum and other two to settle.

Within the last 6 weeks or so she has been ill twice in quick succession, firstly with a nasty cold and then not long after she has covid along with Mum.

Prior to this we think were progressing well, I (Dad) had been successful in undertaking some gradual retreat sleep training to the point where I was able to read her a story and pop in her cot and leave and she was fall asleep, both in the day and at night which was fantastic. Wheras Mum would continue to cuddle her to sleep when I wasn't able to do the sleep routine (what I imagine is part of the problem) as she has just been unable to make any progress with the same methods I was using and it just up with endless hysterical crying.

Since illness, I have been been able to put her down in the day okay with minimal fuss, but at night this is a different story, she kicks and screams and only wants Mum. The same goes for settling in the night, I am powerless and needs mum to get her back to sleep.

We have this week again tried Mum on the sleep training plan (sleep consultant no.2) i.e. step 1 being Mum puts her down awake and stays by the cot and comforts without picking her up, but again this just ended in over an hour n half to hysterical crying, which was pretty distressing for everyone.

We are not comfortable with any 'cry it out' method, or even 'cc', if it was whiny or angry crying we could probably handle it, but she crys to the point of hypervenilation, so its just not something were comfortable with despite hearing about success with it elsewhere.

So... is there any hope for us to make progress back towards us settle herself without cuddles from Mum? Does anyone have any words of wisdom or any experience without something similar? We really (like most people) just want to reduce the night wakings and also for me to get some ability to settle her and put her down at night, so as to take some burden way from Mum.
We've kind of run out of options now and are just muddling through day by day, so any magical solutions would be greatly appreciated.😁

Sorry for the long post, lots to get down.

Save your money on sleep consultants and just go back to comforting her when she needs it. There will be teeth and illnesses to come that will just thwart any future efforts. Perhaps instead look at ways you could adjust your own lives to help with the reduced sleep - could you take more of the household burden? Could you take DD in the morning so your wife can sleep a bit more? Could she reduce / adjust working hours (assuming she is working)? Have you tried co sleeping?

step 1 being Mum puts her down awake and stays by the cot and comforts without picking her up, but again this just ended in over an hour n half to hysterical crying, which was pretty distressing for everyone

We tried gradual retreat properly, consistently for a month. Maybe it works for some but for us it was utter bollocks. Baby sees you, baby wants you. It’s supposed to be gentle but it’s really not because they’re still really upset. Then eventually they fall asleep only to wake up, realise you’ve gone and start the hysterics all over again. Like you baby was ok before an illness but couldn’t get back into the rhythm at all, also worse with mum. What actually worked for us was cry it out, which really isn’t any harsher than what you’re doing anyway, since your baby hysterically cried for an hour and a half anyway. It took 1 night; by night 2 no tears and he slept through. If cry based sleep training isn’t for you then fair enough but I’d admit it, stop the halfway house faux gentle nonsense and go back to just offering comfort, sharing the night between you and your wife, and maybe consider co sleeping.

Time for Ferber method. You mentioned you could handle some crying? There will be A bit of crying but you go back at regular intervals so she won’t get to the point of hyperventilating. Sounds like she is capable of “good” sleeping so you’ve just had a set back. The fact she can fall asleep with mum eventually does also suggest she’s capable of falling asleep and this is just a behaviour thing!

choose a night (ideally Friday night if neither of you work weekends so you can have a clear diary ahead of you!) when she’s not ill and not teething and make sure she’s had a pleasant enough day. Put her down. Walk away. Kiss on the head Mummy loves you etc. close the door and she’ll start screaming. 2 minutes later go back in and comfort her WITHOUT picking her up. Stay there for 60 seconds and she may or may not calm down. Walk away and she lose the plot again. This time wait 5 minutes. Then next time 8 minutes. Keep doing 8 minutes until she falls asleep. Following night increase the intervals. You’ll find it online. When we did it, we made sure only one parent did it each night.