Desperate for help, 2yo sleep getting worse and worse

[BigBoudIsBack]

I'm back again for more advice, nothing seems to stick and we just get more and more exhausted and wound up. He's never slept well, used to be up every 2 hours at least, finally starting to sleep longer stretches but now bedtime is a battle.

LO is 28m shortly. Still waking at least once most nights, some nights any number of times. Daily schedule looks like this: Up between 7 and 8, generally, breakfast at once, then activities in the morning, lunch at 12, if he's going to take a nap it's from 1.30/2 and not longer than 90 mins, a snack around 3.30/4.30 (depending on naps) then dinner at 6.30. 7-8 he usually plays, 8pm might have a bath (not every night), then we tidy up his room and get changed for bed around 8.30pm. He still sleeps in our bed and I still nurse him to sleep (or try to...) as NOTHING else has ever worked. It was working and he was out by 9.30 at the latest but this week he hasn't gone to sleep earlier than 10, it's been 10.30 twice now, he's completely wild at naptime and bedtime - looks like he's going to settle then starts perking up again and just flat out refusing to stay in bed or to stay lying down. He's impossible to get down for a nap but prone to conking out around 4pm because he can't keep going, so of course it throws bedtime off. Driving me bonkers.

I have a DP but cannot rely on his help, as I recently discovered. Fuming, but such is life. I do my level best to wear him out during the day, we walk everywhere, I take him to playgroups, I take him swimming, we play at home. I feed him solid meals, he doesn't have lots of sugar or chocolate late in the day. I'm exhausted, I haven't caught up from not sleeping at all when he was a baby. (literally, was on 4 non-consecutive hours as average for at least the first 18 months, think it's broken something in me) I find bedtime really draining, he can be nursing and twiddling and fidgeting for 30 mins easily and then up and ready to play more and by that time of night I just want to be left alone in silence.

I know I need to night wean him, I've been trying since March, but every time he gets a cold or starts teething again we backslide otherwise no one sleeps (probably in a 2 mile radius of our house). And it's all on me, I've talked about it till I'm blue in the face but DP is deaf to my pleas. He says LO just won't stay still for him and it drives him up the wall - fair enough but I don't get to just swan off, do I? Someone has to do bedtime.

So any suggestions what I do with my two petulant toddlers (including DP in this) would be gratefully received.

If DP is going to throw the towel in with regards to dealing with your babys (very difficult) sleep, then the expectation should be:

(a) He does literally everything else in the evening. He does the cooking, the washing up, the tidying, the laundry, the sorting out bills, buying Christmas presents, DIY, emptying dustbins... everything.
(b) He is not allowed an opinion on the right or wrong thing to do with babys deep and must a million percent actively support what you are doing - be a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, empathetic, sympathetic...
(c) DP should prioritise your love, care and compassion, so you can prioritise baby's.

Regarding your toddler I think your only option is to sleep train to sleep independently in the cot and night wean - for your own sanity. I'd do it all in one go, no prolonging the agony.

Stop the whole tiring him out and being mega busy in the day. Toddler must be totally exhausted, as must you. I'd suggest the opposite. Have two or 3 weeks of staying at home and doing very little.

I'd set up a cot in the nursery. Build up your resilience (DP should be expected to help build your resilience) so you have the inner strength to stay calm, patient and compassionate during sleep training. Parents getting anxious, worked up and overwhelmed is part of why sleep training doesn't work. You need to be ZEN throughout.

Then when you're ready, go for it.

Keep repeating:

• lie baby down
• repeat a mantra (eg "Sleep time now, lie down. Nan night")
• Hand on chest (to keep baby still) other hand on thighs if needed.
• Stay still, quiet, stoic, calm.
• Any making for standing up, start again.
• Repeat, repeat, repeat repeat over and over again.

• Any wake up - do the same.
• Every night - do the same.
• Every lunchtime nap - do the same.

3 weeks of consistency is all it needs. Max. You'll most likely crack it within a week.

Nap needs to go and he needs to be in bed by 7. But you may need to work towards this. He’s out of sync. But I’d probably wean first before trying to sort bedtime as I think it will be too hard to do both

I think you're in the awkward cusp of between 1 nap and no nap. I think maybe you could try just letting him only sleep for half an hour in the day and see where that gets you?

The feed to sleep sounds like it is beginning to stop working.this happened over here too, albeit at a younger age. your advantage is that at his age you can explain to him that his bedtime routine is changing. I would do this- get lo in a bed, have some stories and try just lieing with him and cuddling and singing instead and gritting my teeth. He will fall asleep eventually. Making sure he is properly tired will obviously help.

As for your husband the above will mean you can both do bedtime. I think you need to aquire a non-negotiable evening hobby and just go and leave him to it. Cheeky so and so thinking that because it is hard it must be you dealing with it.

Thanks for the input, think I need a summit meeting with DP and discuss our options. I'm so tired I can't think straight today, but will re-read everything and think over what we do. It's always helpful to get outside perspectives 💐