2yo, recent new sibling, bedtime and overnight struggles

[Loobylootwo]

Looking for any practical advice as we are lost as to how to unpick this.

I have a 2.3yr old and 8 week old. DC1 has never been a fantastic sleeper but we've have real progress and good spells, have done some sleep training here and there and very bad spells often intermixed with much better ones. Prior to DC2 arrival we were able to complete bedtime routine by 7pm (milk, bath, stories, sleeping bag and lights out, we leave the room) and we'd get the odd night wake and quick resettle or 11 hours sleeping through. Daytime sleep has always been more variable, sleeps well at nursery (1-1.5 hours) but more resistant to cot nap at home. Often ends up having a buggy or car nap when out and about, maybe 45 mins.

In the last two weeks everything has gone to pot. There is resistance to every bit of bedtime routine and it takes lots of cajoling. Come actually going into room to put in cot, several requests for cuddles etc begin and invariably shouting for whichever parent isn't doing bedtime. This will then descend into real hysteria where no matter what we do, screams for the opposite - crying for other parent, crying to be in cot, then out of cot, wanting a cuddle but not wanting to be touched. At bedtime this can go on for over an hour (one of us staying in the room throughout). Any subsequent night wakes, similar happens. Really distressed crying and last night it went on for 2.5 hours. The knock on effect is overwhelming overtiredness the following day and the awful cycle continues. Throw in a newborn and we are on our knees.

I think DC1 is struggling with transition with new sibling - it was fine first couple weeks and still fine with the baby themself but very emotional if I (mum) leave the room, 'misbehaving' more etc.

As much as I'd love to say I'll ride this out and continue to sit with DC1 to reassure them, we can't continue with this disrupted sleep. As parents I know we need to set a boundary now around sleep and stick with it but I don't know where to start with DC1 getting so very upset. Even the mention of bedtime seems to trigger a lot of big emotions.

Where do we begin??

Firstly, has the material practicalities of bedtime changed since the baby? New room, new cot, new timing, new parent doing it etc? As much as possible, keep everything the way it always was.

If things have had to change - for example Dad doing bedtime now or new cot because baby needs the old one - be understanding that this will be hard for toddler and allow time snd patience. If st all possible, prioritise toddler keeping their same cot/room and instead buy new for baby.

After this - I'd suggest reducing choices and being stricter with boundaries.

Examples would be - Daddy does your bedtime, Daddy will always do your bedtime, Daddy will always see this through no matter what happens and that's not going to change. Same goes for night wakes - always Daddy. Its not a choice for toddler to make.

Be similarly firm with boundaries on other aspects of sleep. 100% consistency. The difficulty comes from toddler not bring sure: maybe if I shout loud enough something different will happen. Toddler will be more settled once learning that the same thing happens no matter what.

No material differences other than there is a baby in the background. Baby is quite colicky and upset a lot around bedtime which doesn't help I don't think. We started dad doing bed solo a good few weeks before baby born to make that the norm but last two weeks I've also got involved as things have become so distraught. Otherwise same room, same cot, same material things throughout

I appreciate view about daddy doing it all - probably where we are falling down as I have stepped in when it's just seemed so inconsolable but perhaps that's making things worse. Just so hard and feeling so guilty

Thanks for your advice @FATEdestiny do you think we should try and reset the sleep clock by me doing bedtime for a few nights just to try and correct the overtiredness before going into sleep boundaries with dad?

I would say you stepping in to do a reset won't overall help. It will just delay things fully settling in the long term because Toddler will have to deal with another change and change back, creating confusion and less consistency.

You mention ready-engrained sleep issues at home - with not being able to establish cot daytime naps at home. I'd suggest having a big think with DH and look at tackling independent in-cot settling all in one go. All led by DH. I'd use the same methods for lunchtime nap to.

In needs DH to follow some stay and comfort sleep training, unless you go for controlled crying. All it really needs is high levels of consistency.

That makes sense, thanks for your help