Musings about "does (s)he sleep through the night yet?"

[emmaagain]

I have always thought this a very odd question.

I do not sleep through the night myself. Sometimes I wake to go to the loo, or I wake because I am thirsty or need to blow my nose. Sometimes a particularly vivid dream will wake me, and I have to waken enough to realise it was only a dream before I can sleep again. I am aware that some people are deeply, log-like, unconscious right through the night, but most are not (just about any men over about the age of 50, for example, with their prostate-related need to pee).

So really the question is

"Does your child still disturb you when they wake in the night?".

Is there an implication in that question that being independent at night time is something to strive for as quickly as possible, with sleep training manuals to assist one in achieving the glorious goal of not being disturbed by one's offspring for a solid 11 hours every night?

And my response to this would be: if our children want comfort or company or nourishment or help, is there a time after which a parent should be thinking "nope, that's your lot till 8 a.m."?

Personally, I would always help a child in the night if they needed help. In that help, I would be hoping gradually to give them the skills, knowledge and confidence to manage whatever the thing is - going to the loo, having a drink, whatever - on their own. But that would occur when they were ready, not when I suddenly decided on their first birthday that that's it, no more broken nights thank you.

Just to put this in context. I have several recurring dreams, which I generally get if under stress for some reason. They might occur several times a year, or may disappear for two years at a time. When I awake from these dreams - which are frightening, involving precipices or poisonous snakes or similar - I continue to hallucinate. It can take up to an hour for the hallucinations to subside entirely, and it is very much helped if someone is with me, holding me, comforting me, turning the light on, reassuring me that I am not actually on the edge of a cliff.

When we refuse to help our children if they cry at night, how can we be sure that their dreams are not as vivid and terrifying as mine?

no it's far healthier to have unbroken night's sleep

sleep patterns change as one gets older because one doesn't need as much

I think you're talking crap tbh

Completely agree with you emmaagain

Well said emmaagain

one needs a certain amount of uninterrupted REM sleep to be sane and able to think

so a child constantly waking you up is a bad thing

I can only presume that my dd does not have nightmares etc as once she goes down at 7 there's not a peep out of her till 7 the next morning. If she were to cry then either me or my dp would hear her....I can only think that she is in a lovely state of sleep....however I do sometimes hear her laugh in her sleep....

The glorious goal of your child being able to sleep through the night has something to do with the fact that the better you sleep the better you tend to function. There is a body of evidence growing all the time on the damage that is done to people by sleep deprivation - the latest I have heard about is that lack of sleep is implicated in weight gain too now. Some people manage better than others on disturbed sleep, but for many this is the toughest aspect of being a parent.
Of course it's cruel to ignore your children if they are distressed, but there's nothing wrong with hoping your child will sleep well. The issue is what means you use to achieve that.

So, Twiglett, are you saying that if a child wakes in the night, they should not be disturbing their parents?

Because obviously noone can control whether another person wakes up or not (without a large mallet )

From what age would you say this hypothetical child should not be disturbing their parents, however much they wake themselves?

I'm a bit at this idea that unbroken parental REM sleep is more vital than looking after one's offspring, but maybe I'm misreading you.

I find I look after my children better during the day if I've had enough sleep the night before, personally.

looking after children involves teaching them good habits .. the ability to sleep through the night and resettle oneself is a valuable and useful habit and important for health and wellbeing

I would say that by 12 months it would be ideal if a child would sleep through (though not unusual from much earlier)

I would say that there are always phases when a child gets broken sleep patterns .. but that the aim of the parent should be to encourage that child to continue to learn the good and useful habit of resettling self and ideally sleeping through the night .. such phases include, but are not limited to, toileting, night terrors and sickness

I am really that you don't feel this is an important thing to encourage personally

"Personally, I would always help a child in the night if they needed help. In that help, I would be hoping gradually to give them the skills, knowledge and confidence to manage whatever the thing is - going to the loo, having a drink, whatever - on their own. But that would occur when they were ready, not when I suddenly decided on their first birthday that that's it, no more broken nights thank you."

Quoting myself.

I do think it is an important thing to encourage. But on the child's developmental schedule, not the adult's idea of what that developmental schedule should be.

Your whole OP says that you dont have a night where you sleep through, ie going to the toilet, nightmares etc. Personally I have always slept through and I really benefit for it, especially the next day when I am looking after t dd's......I dont ignore my children in the night if they need me, however I think that the fact that they get 12 hours sleep a night (usually unbroken) is beneficial for them. They wake up refreshed, happy and hungry!!

Quote from you "Personally, I would always help a child in the night if they needed me..." tbh I dont really know any other mother who wouldn't!!