Have hit rock bottom and might have to sleep train

[Blodwyn831]

My DS 13 month old has always been a bad sleeper but recently it's become unsustainable. He's been poorly with one thing after another for a couple of months since starting nursery, is teething on and off and seems to have separation anxiety. He's gone from sleeping in his cot ok and waking 1 or 2 times on a good night and 5 or 6 times on a bad night. While he was really poorly we were cosleeping as he just wouldn't be put down. And now he doesn't even sleep well cosleeping, wants to be held, wakes every 30 mins and thrashes around tossing and turning. I think he's currently teething but not ill. Me and my partner are broken and I'm worried my job may be at risk - I can't function like this any more and there's no end in sight. I've always wanted to go down the responsive parenting route but I think we might need to sleep train now for our sanity.

We've tried a bit of pick up put down in the past but didn't sustain it for more than a few nights before some illness or teething got in the way. We rock him up drowsy and put him down slightly awake.

Does anyone have any advice about sleep training a 13mo who is pretty sensitive? And sleep consultants you'd recommend and any success stories?

Sleep deprivation is so, so hard - you must be absolutely exhausted.

We sleep trained at around 9 months, worked with Heidi at The Parent and Baby Coach. It wasn’t cheap but it worked a treat

Sending massive hugs xx

Everyone has their limit no matter how good their intentions. It seems you’ve reached yours and it’s absolutely fair enough! It’s true that you can’t sustain daily life on no sleep for a very extended anoint of time. I had a friend who (half jokingly) said she wanted to throw herself down the stairs when her DC was a baby as he would never sleep for more than 30 mins. It can truly drive you to madness.
I think it’s totally the right decision to start sleep training at this stage for everyone’s sake.

I was adamantly anti sleep training with my first, who often woke 5-6 times a night and didn’t sleep well til she was 3. When second child sleep started to deteriorate I knew I could not survive that again, and was also more pragmatic. It had to be a cost/benefit analysis and when I was so broken like you, I was not offering a lot to older child or baby. We used Lucy Wolfe baby sleep solution book. There was a thread on here about it that I joined. Basically it’s a gradual withdrawal method. Initially lying beside the cot, stroking talking singing etc. Stay and support I think she called it. Then gradually reducing the amount of support, less touch etc, then starting to move away towards the door. It worked very well at night and we liked that we could see how she was doing - also by then we were more confident in understanding different cries. Through the experience I learned a bit about how we teach babies and kids what we expect. Sometimes I’m trying to be child led we let them decide things that they are not able to decide - I’m thinking if they can only sleep if held etc. We can support them to feel more confident in settling down without us. She has recommendations for different ages. I really feel for you, it’s awful.

Thank you everyone for supportive replies. I'll look into those options and maybe start this weekend. Did you wait until baby was definitely not ill or teething before training? He's definitely teething at the mo. Dreading another night of no sleep. He wouldn't even nap in his cot today which has normally been totally fine. Feel like we're regressing back to the early months again. 😭

I sleep trained. I did control crying, around 6 months. And we have to repeat every so often. We have just repeated a little and isn't anywhere near like the first time we did it. We cosleep when she's unwell. We had stomach bug, 4 teeth, tonsillitis, bronchitis all in space of 2 months, killer. So we went back to sleep training after fully recovered.

Takes about 5 to 7 days initially. There are lots of posts on it. It is a TOUGH time, but works great. Depends what sleep training your looking for.

Sadly need to wait until not teething or Ill. Have you tried some burofen along with some teething powder about 45 mins before bed. Works wonders for our lo. We also add a bit of bonjela last minute before bed.

I didn’t sleep train when DS was sick (in fact he got a nursery bug 2 days into sleep training so we abandoned it until he was better). Personally I don’t think it’s fair to plough on through if they’re in pain or unwell which was also the view of the person guiding us. We got far in those 2 days though.

Yes agreed you don’t want them to be flagrantly teething or ill, otherwise you’ll be all conflicted if they are upset. However mine seemed to be teething to some extent forever so avoiding the acute teething spells is the main thing.

Oh hun, I was the same as you at 15 months we couldn't function, we didn't have a night without him in our bed.

I used calm and bright (they're on instagram) , I had tried a few others, but calm and bright crying "levels"
And humanised instructions through the tough bits was a real changing point for me and we cracked it within 3 days.

He now sleeps so much better when he's poorly although we have to be strict when he's recovered and get back on track.

Promise you will be better and he will be better once he's getting good nights in.

Definitely give baby nurofen every 4/6 hrs when teething, calpol when other illness. Keep them dosed up. Time doses so last one fits in at bedtime.
Check he's full to the brim on calories, fill him up up up before naps and sleep.
Tire him out, 2 naps a day max I think at that age. 10am and 2pm give or take.
Change your routine a little, use a sleeping bag so when you transfer from arms to cot there's no change in temperature.
Take side of cot away, replace with fold down bed guard, cuddle to sleep on slightly inclined mattress, replicates falling asleep on you...when soundly asleep put up bed guard to stop rolling off. Make sure he has a cuddly toy or muslin to attach to rather than you.
Once asleep sneak out of room.
You may have to put a mattress on the floor for first few naps and sleeps so you can reassure you're still there.

@Beginningless exactly that - he's had maybe 5 days of being completely well in the past 3 months. Definitely teething molars at the mo so I'll await the next window of opportunity. Thanks so much for all other suggestions everyone. Will take out all in and make a plan that suits us xxx

I'm in this boat too and taking notes on the suggestions. I swear all I have to do is breathe too much and DD2 wakes up, and is now having half her big sleep between 10 and 5am with about 8 wake ups, and the rest between 2 and 6pm with more wakes. I'm not sure I was made for this level of sleep deprivation. Last night I was nearly in tears as she fed to sleep beside me then I rolled over and she immediately woke up and pulled herself up on the bed's safety barrier, ready to play.
Good luck

@CourtAppointedHairdresser sorry to hear you're having the same issues. Some really good suggestions on here I think. We had an awful night last night with a 2 hour wake 2.30 -4.30. I naively thought sleep would be better by this point. Something's definitely got to give. I'm leaning towards gentle retreat but not sure I have the stomach for the crying 😢. First need to get him sleeping back in his cot - going to get a cold down side as suggested by @PerfectPrepPrincess x

Fold down

@Blodwyn831 it really sounds like you’re dealing with split nights with long middle of the night wakes. We had this. Things that made it worse were long morning naps, early bedtimes, slightly too much day sleep. We kept adhering to the mantra sleep breeds sleep but for us DS was getting too much too early so his sleep rhythm at night was all wrong. There’s stuff on here and Google about split nights which is helpful. They are total hell. Our baby was fully sleep trained and able to self settle but still had long wakes. So sleep training and solving split nights can be slightly different. Good luck, I know first hand how hard it is xx

OP did you ever crack this? How? In exactly the same boat and need hope!

Hi. Yes he's 2 and a bit now and sleeps through thank god. Didn't ever have to sleep train thankfully. He just seemed to get through whatever was bothering him in his own. We coslept a lot(got a big floor bed in his room) and tag teamed so we each got half the night of good sleep. He started sleeping much better at 18 months and it gradually just kept improving on it's own. He now sleeps on the floor bed as his bed. Hope things improve for you soon. Lack of sleep is the worst xx

Blodwyn - you’ve had all of this supportive messages because other people have sleep trained their children and realise that responsive parenting and sleep training aren’t diametrically opposed. You’re just helping your child learn how to sleep. It’s not super helpful to say things like “I never had to sleep train thankfully”. (Said with love).

@dreamersdown I hear you, badly phrased sorry. I know nobody would choose to do it until unless it feels like there's no other option. Which is why I feel relieved I didn't have to go through it, that's all I meant. There were many times we considered it but were too broken to attempt it, waited to feel a bit more energised before starting but of course when we felt more energised we didn't feel the need to do it any more iyswim. Anyway no judgement just relief that thing got better and hope the same happens for @Cartrucktractor whatever you decide to do. There are lots of options, but I wanted to point out that cosleeping and tag teaming is one of them and got us through the tough times x