3.5 year old doesn’t want to sleep alone.

[whatami2]

I can’t sleep because our 3.5 year old goes to our bed every night and our bed is too small for the 3 of us, I wake up on the edge with a sore back unable to move. I have autism and It is very difficult for me
to sleep if someone is touching me, kicking me or I can’t move freely because I am squeezed in the bed. It’s a sensory thing. We have tried bringing her back to her room but she just keeps crying, shouting and trying to leave the room and nobody in the house gets any sleep at all. We couldn’t sustain it after 4 nights as I crashed the car
because I was so tired. She cannot fall sleep alone either. I have to lie with her for 1 hour every night on her toddler bed until she falls sleep.
our 2 rooms are very small: 3mx2.9m so if I put a double bed in her room there would be no space for anything else. My husband could sleep through a tornado, so he doesn’t see the problem of her sleeping with us.

what can I do? Crying it out it doesn’t work, it will kill us all in a car accident before she gets it.

Have you tried asking the health visitor? Ours have a dedicated sleep service which has been good. FWIW I don't have autism and also couldn't sleep under those circumstances, it sounds very difficult

Well, you unfortunately, have to make a decision to have her sleep on he town, and stick with it.

Talk to her about bug girls beds etc etc

Be prepared for 2-3 nights of crap sleep and up.and down and crying etc. But as you're not sleeping, it should be ok.

Pick a plan, stick to it. Be prepared to put her back to bed multiple times.
First time, be nice, and say "back to bed now,.sleep tight, I love you" . Second time "back to bed".

Try the disappearing chair trick if needed to help her transition once she's staying in her bed.

It's will be tough, but everyone will be better off.

Imagine if she was doing something dangerous. Such as always unbuckling her seat belt.. you'd address it and be firm. For ger sake she needs to be safe in the car, so you'd not make exceptions etc

Think of this as a necessity for a functional mother!

Either that, or DH and DDshare the bed and you sleep in her room!

Do i stay with her in the bedroom or do i just keep the door shut while she is crying and trying to leave? i dont know, when i try to visualise it, it sounds cruel having someone desperately crying, shouting and trying to open a closed door while i keep it shut. i am angry at myself for not being able to sleep touching someone but also angry at her for not being able to sleep alone. It doesnt make sense but i wish there was a less traumatising way

You could get her a single bed and go to sleep there if she comes into your bed?

I'd put a single bed in her room and sleep in there yourself if needed. This won't last forever.

I try to sleep in her bed when she comes to ours but I can’t. I have been hating myself since I can remember for being unable to sleep anywhere decent like norma people do. The mattress doesn’t feel right, and I feel like I am going to fall out of bed. It has been impairing my life: sleepovers? I don’t get any sleep. Someone touching you in bed? I couldn’t sleep either. Sleeper train or travelling by bus/plane? I didn’t sleep at all. I feel like an awful mother, I have had previous episodes of depression and overall crashing down due to poor sleep since she was born.

I even avoid travel as I don’t like to sleep In other beds. I wish I could have some sort of psychological therapy to make me sleep like a normal person. I went through 7 days of no sleep when she was a baby. It ended up in depression. So “if you are really tired you will sleep” doesn’t apply to me.

Do you work? If so, can you book a few days annual leave and get in loads of supplies so you don't have to drive anywhere. Then work on returning her to her bedroom every time she wakes up, knowing that you don't have to be anywhere for a few days so you could potentially handle the lack of sleep?

i am from another country so I have to spend all my annual leave in going there to visit them during school holidays. My parents are old and We don’t have anyone to help with childcare here. I also have to use annual leave when she gets sick. So My annual leave is precious and I have to use it to visit my parent.

You definitely don't "leave her crying"
Go in after a set amount of minutes.
But do settle her with minimal contact and talking.

She'll get there.

You have to tackle the going to bed first thing and falling asleep herself. It's going to be a long road, but tackling at 7pm gives you the best chance of sleep, later in the night. If she comes into bed later in the night, still, then that gets tackled once she is reliably going to bed awake and alone and falling asleep.

What's more important?

You all getting a good night's sleep. and being a well rested and alert Mum.

Or crashing your car through sleep deprivation whilst seeing your family?

It would be one round of annual leave, maybe a week, max. Put yourself and your daughter first.

How would you and your husband feel about sleeping separately for a bit? One of you in the double bed with your daughter and one of you in her single bed? Even just for part of the night - if she starts out ok in her bed then when she comes into yours you could do a swap with her.
Is there anything else going on in your life that might have triggered her being so unsettled or has she always needed help to sleep?

Sorry - ignore my post. I'd gotten distracted partway through writing it and by the time I came back to finish you'd updated re sleeping in beds other than your own.

She cannot fall sleep alone either
This is the root of your problem. Of course she’s going to look for the same level of comfort in the middle of the night that she gets at bedtime. Also, if you’re doing the bulk of the sleep training at 7pm it’s a hell of a lot easier than at 3am!
If she’s in a bed and can get up you can put a stairgate on her door, then get up and put her back to bed at increasing intervals (so 1 minutes, 2 minutes, 5 minutes etc.) without any comment other than ‘night night’. Yes she will get upset but it does work.

Or if that’s not for you, get a 3/4 bed for her room and send DH in to sleep with her.