Baby only self settles for Dad

[HumanDummy2022]

NC for this as I’ve talked about this issue with quite a few friends in real life!

8 month DS. Exclusively breastfed. Never been an awful sleeper compared with some. V fortunate that he’s never done the hourly wake ups that I often hear about or read about on here (at least not yet). Recently has only had one or two wake ups max and has actually slept through the night for the last week.

Our issue is settling to sleep in the first place. DH and I take turns doing bath and bed after I do a final feed downstairs. Exactly the same routine - v calm, pjs and sleeping bag after bath, twinkle twinkle in his room a couple of times while swaying, white noise and into cot.

With his dad he will look up, yawn, roll onto his front and go to sleep a few minutes later without complaint.

With me, he doesn’t even relax in my arms anymore. He just starts shouting. Even if I manage to get him into the cot quickly while he’s calm he just shouts and shouts.

We tried Lucy Wolfe’s stay and support approach. But no words of comfort will soothe him, no bum pats or tummy rubs etc will work. I can briefly distract him by tapping the mattress or waving his comforter at him but it buys me 30 seconds of quiet max. I’ve also tried just leaving the room but that doesn’t seem to work either.

It’s so disheartening knowing he’s perfectly capable of self settling but won’t do it for me.

Some people have said just to get him to sleep “however I can” and not worry about it for now. But the problem is I can’t get him to sleep any other way. He will sometimes feed to sleep after half an hour or so but the transfer to the cot is nearly impossible now. He’s 98th centile for weight and really tall too - he almost always wakes up on the transfer to the cot. I also can’t sway him - even if he didn’t start shouting straight away, he’s too heavy for me to do it for more than a few minutes these days.

Has anyone been through this? I know everything is a phase and it will hopefully pass.. but any tips? DH is away for the weekend so I have a lot of failed naps and shouting coming up ☹️

Thanks for reading!

Bumpity bump bump… this is still a thing one month on… I think I’ve managed to settle him myself twice since I wrote it. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Would be so good to hear from anyone who has experienced something similar.

It's because you represent breastfeeding to him, whereas DH doesn't. And that's something it's impossible to change while you're still breastfeeding - he is always going to associate you with lovely comforting breastfeeding. And with DH he will always know that's not an option.

I'd suggest just going with it. Your time will come when you wean.

For now, have DH do every sleep time he is there for, rather than taking turns. Baby will get more and more used to independently settling then. That consistency will ultimately help you on the less frequent occasions when there's no option but for you to do the sleep time.

I think this is really normal... would you be happy to co sleep?
If it's any consolation my nearly 11 month old has not and will not sleep in his cot and sleeps in with us. There's no way his dad could get him to settle either. He only falls asleep on the breast, I guess it's natural to.
If you aren't happy with this then maybe just feed and get your husband to do the bed time every night?
I don't think babies need to self settle or soothe really , they are babies after all and rely on us for comfort and regulating emotions.
But I do completely get the frustration because I tried for months trying to get mine to sleep in a cot (he slept in it before 4 month regression) , but he just wouldn't so I accepted that and found something else that works, x

I would guess you smell of breast milk, and that is what is likely to be distracting him. Delegate bedtimes to Dad until he is weaned, then start doing it together, then slowly start to do a few on your own

• It's because you represent breastfeeding to him, whereas DH doesn't. And that's something it's impossible to change while you're still breastfeeding - he is always going to associate you with lovely comforting breastfeeding. And with DH he will always know that's not an option.

I'd suggest just going with it. Your time will come when you wean.

For now, have DH do every sleep time he is there for, rather than taking turns. *

Yeah. This.

I also breastfeed my 8 month old to sleep. He will fall asleep without milk for others but not for me, so you’re not alone.
Also I feel you on the heavy/can’t rock for ages as my boy is also 98th percentile weight …

Thanks all for the replies. I’ve also wondered whether the breastfeeding is the “issue”. When I try to settle him he’s not clamouring for a feed and trying to crawl down me or anything, so I thought it couldn’t be, but I guess knowing a feed is a possibility is enough to be a distraction?

He’s down to three feeds a day now but I can’t imagine he’ll drop the rest any time soon. Maybe we have to ride it out until he’s over 1 and I can introduce cow’s milk and speed up the weaning that way.

I would feel very guilty asking DH to do every bedtime - I already feel pretty awful about having to ask him to tag in on every one of “my” nights. He’s lovely about it of course. I try to remind myself that I used to do every night wake until around 6 months old because DS refused a bottle.. Maybe this is just things balancing out 😬

@lottie198 We’ve tried co-sleeping a couple of times when he went through a dodgy sleep patch around 6 months and was waking up constantly, and in theory I would be ok with it now from a safety perspective, but we’re fortunate in that DS is quite happy in his cot once he actually settles! The last few weeks he’s been sleeping 12 hours, which I’m so grateful for. Exception tonight because he’s poorly so just woke up with a dirty nappy… Wouldn’t want to disrupt those long stretches in the cot for the sake of him settling “with” me. I should also clarify that when I say “self soothe/settle”, I don’t mean anything like CIO - he’s not missing out on any comfort from us because he doesn’t need it in that moment. He’ll have a cuddle with DH, happily look up at him once he’s put in the cot, the roll over. We never let him cry or even shout much!

@Maria1982 - Nice to hear from another mum of a chunky boy! It’s great that feeding works for you still - the transfer to the cot is just impossible for me now!

@HumanDummy2022
I wouldn't feel bad asking dh to do bedtime, my baby will only be fed to sleep so I do all bedtimes and night wakings , not that I'm complaining 😆

These things will flip flop over time and it's not about being fair, it's just responding to and adjusting to babies needs

Rather than feel bad about asking DH to settle the baby, could you express your gratitude to him for 'having this'.

Many partners can feel a bit surplus to requirements because of the bond between mother and breastfed baby.

Having something only he can do sounds ideal to me. Ask him how he feels about it.

Hi,

My Wife and I are currently going through this. Did it get easier for you to put your DS to bed? How long did it go on for? DS also refuses to sleep for naps for DW during the day. Anything that helped would be appreciated?

Hey @Do2B , sorry I only just saw this. It was a really rough time so you and your DW have my sympathy! I was despairing at the time telling my friends (and Mumsnet!) that my baby didn’t like cuddling me, I couldn’t soothe him etc.

I think by early Jan 2023, even though he would settle for my DH, it was still taking ages - hours of DH pacing the landing. It was Ferber that was an absolute game changer for us. I was nervous at first, worried about my baby being distressed and feeling abandoned but it was absolutely fine. We put him in his cot after the whole routine, said night night, started with a 3 minute interval I think, then went back and stroked and reassured for a minute or so, then 5 minute interval, then after another 2 minutes he just stopped shouting, rolled over and went to sleep. The first night! Didn’t cry himself to sleep, just stopped protesting at our absence and decided sleep was better. We wondered whether the whole time he’d just been shouting at us to put him the F down. 😂

He’s now just over 2 and with the exception of illness, regressions, us just wanting to cuddle him to sleep occasionally etc, he’ll settle like that every night now and has done for over a year. Sometimes he shouts as we leave the room, just to let us know his indignation (!), but times he’ll say “night night mummy/daddy!”, mostly he just rolls around and plays with cuddly toys for a bit then goes to sleep.

As for the parental preference stuff specifically(and it’s probably not the answer you or your DW will want) the main thing was just time. Over time our relationship changed, I stopped breastfeeding around the time I went back to work, which was quite a natural stop fortunately, and that probably shifted things. And gradually he started cuddling and being calm on me and even falling asleep on me - I never thought that would be possible back in late 2022! So I never take it for granted or complain about it now. I would’ve killed to be able to do a contact nap without feeding back then!

In terms of timing of it all, in case helpful (though all babies different)… in Nov/Dec 22 I was despairing, in late Jan 23 we did Ferber, in March I stopped bf, and I have a photo from April that my DH took of my DS cuddling me. That was probably when everything really felt like it had changed for the better in that department.

Hang in there!