Am I an awful parent?

[Foncusedchamenange]

I’m a widowed lone parent, in my 40s, to a 5 year old DD.

Bedtimes aren’t good: I’m a late owl (probable ADHD, not good at routines) and by the end of the day I’m so tired. We’ve got into a terrible habit that I don’t even begin putting her to bed until 7.45 or 8pm. But usually now she resists, seems wide awake, and won’t fall asleep without me beside her. Sometimes pyjamas, teeth, story, chat and cuddle takes up to 90 minutes.

Tonight, I just didn’t have the energy in the tank. I left her watching the iPad and ran myself a quick bath… which ran into a long bath. I just kept procrastinating, and when I went down at 9.30, she was fast asleep, iPad still running.

I know this is awful, and I feel so guilty. I guess I’m looking for someone to tell me I’m not the only one / or give me advice on how to get bedtimes back on track. We’re in a vicious circle: if she were fast asleep, or nodding off on her own by 8pm, I’d have a couple hours to myself to recharge. Half the time we just go to bed at the same time. :-(

Your not a bad parent but a tired one. It is late for a 5 year old on a school night but as a one of its fine. Don't beat yourself up though. Do you do anything like swimming in the evening? I wear my kids out with some activities at night as my 3 & 5 year old will then go to sleep by 7.30 on a school night. My 10 year old tends to be 9.30

I'm a single parent and a bedtime routine is key to staying sane. It means you have time in the evening to yourself and recharge a bit.

I would start bedtime routine from when you finish dinner, ours went something like this when dd was 5yo.

Dinner around 5.30
Tv until 6
6 bathtime
6.30 stories in bed
7 lights out

Start the bedtime routine earlier. Dinner earlier too.

Bedtime signifiers like brushing teeth before bath (you will wake her up after relaxing bath by making her brush teeth after bath) then bath, once out the bath keep the lights dim, warm hairdryer, get her to choose from two stories, night time prayer, minimal conversation - can talk to reply but bring it back to that it's bedtime and mummy has five more minutes then time for a goodnight kiss and cuddle, if she has a lamp tell her you will turn it off so she has to be quiet in bed, any other requests other than a small drink (try to have this waiting on her bedside table) be met with "you can tell me in the morning, good night, I love you" be firm but loving.

My god. Op, you need to relax. Of course you’re not an awful parent! You’re just tired & fatigued.

Next week, start a better bedtime routine and be firm & consistent with the boundaries. And relax! Everyone has a period of time in parenting where they’re just tired of fighting over things with their kids, whether it’s mealtimes, healthy foods, behaviour, etc.

Thanks all - this is helpful, as I know I’ve gone adrift.

Another question though: when do your little ones get up? I think key to getting my DD in bed earlier will be getting her up earlier. Since starting school in August, I’ve been letting her sleeps until 7.45am or 8, and then we have a quick (rushed) morning routine to get out the house by 8.40am.

I don’t know to what do extent ADHD is a condition / cluster of traits / genetic / consequence of poor parenting … but I want very dearly to spare DD the things I struggle with in terms of routines, etc. Going to bed and getting up are both a form of self care (you know this if you struggle with it) and I need to teach her this kind of self regulation.

I’m fretting more now because DD has started school: widowhood, Covid, holidays and other family stuff meant that this particular habit forming battle was de-prioritised.

Thanks all

OP, I have ADHD and a 4 year old. It’s HARD being a neurodiverse mum, let alone a solo one. I’m sorry for your loss.

I had got myself into a similar battle and had to accept that I couldn’t change it without help. I got a one month prescription of melatonin from the GP and made a very determined plan for how things would change over that month. So I established the routines described here, will all the good bedtime signals e.g brush teeth, bath, two books, bed. The difference was I would give a melatonin straight after the bath. This meant I didn’t have to find the mental fortitude to battle my child to sleep, and I felt confident sticking to it all, knowing my child Would fall asleep after books. It reset my child’s sleep patterns and the gave us long enough for the routine to stick. It might be worth considering.

You have got this. Wishing you both luck - you sound like a lovely mum to me

Don't worry about it OP you gotta do what you gotta do

Thank you, @GlowingBear . I’ve just looked up melatonin for children, and I can see how that might work.

I actually think the more important thing is to set myself into a firmer routine. I’m about to start working again after a short career break, and it’s going to be very hard to pull mealtimes, etc, earlier.

But this is a good time to tackle it - the shortening days make it easier. I’m in Scotland and it just seemed the long, long hours of daylight made it harder - but I’m going to need to deal with that every year.

You’re fine. It’s allowed. It’s also not that late for her age. My boys are on the swim team and have been since age five. Swim doesn’t even finish till half seven. Even now the younger one is 8 and his finishes at nine. His cubs doesn’t finish till 8.30 and oldest scouts is on till 9pm from age ten onwards. There are loads of kids at these types of places that go to bed later regularly and do fine. Yours was a one off. Don’t worry. You’re a normal parent

You're not going to have support , so sorry to hear your partner died, but practically speaking get here into a routine so she's got attention and a bedtime earlier than 9:30. Then use the rest of the evening for yourself
Yes you'll get loads wrong, that's fine, we all do, just get the basics sorted and build or adapt from there
You're doing great, sometimes falling asleep in front of the telly or iPad is fine (I do it all the time and have a good job and good life!)

Thanks all,

this is reassuring (and I’ve also found this old thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/behaviour_development/1751089-What-time-does-your-5-year-old-go-to-bed-sleep-on-a-school-night?page=2 )

I think my DD gets enough sleep, at least 10 hours, but as a night owl who struggles myself, I want her to have wholesome habits and the sense of security that a firm routine brings.

Some of my friends work in hospitality, and their kids are way later, I know what’s best for different families varies.

When you go bed do you have something on? My 12 year old has always needed something to listen too to go sleep. So has her dad. But my oldest boy always needed silence. But then my youngest needs pink noise. I only suggest it as ipad and falling asleep is common (whether people admit it or not 🤣) and may need something extra at night when going bed? Some do audio books or there's another one moshi stories or something?

Your far from an awful parent ❤️ your amazing ❤️

No advice as my daughter is much younger and I’m not in your shoes so not much helpful I can add. But just came to say you are not an awful parent. Being a single parent must be tough enough but you are widowed too. What a lot to go through and still show up every day and do your best for your child. Falling asleep with the iPad while you recharged won’t have done her any harm and it sounds like you needed the break. Sending support x