I’m getting angry with night wakings and I feel like a terrible mum

[August21yellowbaby]

My 13 month old son has never been a good sleeper, he will have the odd week of sleeping well but then go back to his night screaming
i don’t deal well with it at all and I feel so ashamed, I feel like I’m letting him down because I know he just wants me with him but I’m so so tired
i am on mirtazapine for anxiety and it absolutely knocks me out, I’ve tried other medications and also tried coming off it but my anxiety goes crazy which obviously affects how I parent
I have halved my dose, but I’m still very groggy in the night and hearing the constant screaming sends me insane as I’m so jumpy 😓
He isn’t hungry, his nappy is dry and clean, he’s warm, he has his dummy, he’s had calpol incase he’s in pain but every night he just keeps waking constantly (and I mean every 20 mins or so)
ive tried co sleeping but I seem to get more annoyed by this because he still screams so it’s right down my ear, he also doesn’t stay still he wriggles all over me, head buts me over and over, pulls my hair etc
I want to learn how to cope better, I have no support at night, and I am now back at work full time as of this week
i have no life, I don’t get dressed on my days off? I don’t go out unless it’s a baby group or shopping
I feel so worn down, nobody can help me in the day either (on my days off) because I only have my mum and she looks after him when I’m at work so I can’t expect her to watch him when I’m off work so I can sleep
i really don’t know what to do, I end up shouting at him because that’s the only thing that stops him screaming when he’s having night tantrums, last night I even pushed him away from me in bed cause I just didn’t want him touching me 😢😢
I’ve been to the doctors and they don’t know what to suggest

Hi OP,

Didn't want to read and run.

Firstly, I really hope you're doing ok. This doesn't sound good at all, and when you're exhausted, that screaming just makes you want to scream too!

Only things I can think of to suggest (apologies if they're no good or you've already tried)

But firstly, could you try starting a bedtime routine so DC gets used to the routine of having a story before bed? So he gets to associate story time/night lights with bed time?

Have you also tried any night lights/white noise as a comfort? As it sounds as though he's unsettled?

Also, do you give him calpol every night? As this may be masking something that's aggravating him?

It’s not clear if you’re breastfeeding or not
waking every twenty minutes suggests he can’t get through a sleep cycle on his own so can’t get back to sleep

how is he in the day? Does he nap at all

i feel for you - my two weren’t great sleepers and actually my second was awful - it is horrible dreading the nights

I would rule out any health issues such as reflux, teething etc and the look at sleep training - this can be gentle as well

You need to sleep train.
Start looking at methods that you will feel comfortable with. Pick something and stick with it. Be prep for it too be hard for a while but you should see a long term improvement.
Its ok to not want to be with him ALL the time. You need sleep and to recharge in order to be a good parent to him.

buy him a toy to go to sleep with night lights and gentle music.

Something like that works :
vTech-Little-Friendlies-Starlight-Sounds-Polar-Bear-Lights-Soft-Sleep-Aid-Music

He will fall asleep playing with it. Play with him a lot before going to bed. Like a good half an hour of physical movements. Then wash him and give him a feed. The hot bath plus the feed will knock him off. You can also read from a book and leave the book with him afterwards. If he wakes up and you cannot bear it and you are upset. GO to another room, Please do. There is no point. Get him a night dummy. You might want to have a proper meal also before going to bed. Full of carb to help get through the night. It's tough OP. The first few days will be the worst because you are sleep deprived, but you will get through this, it will get better. Worst case scenario, leave him. He will yell bloody hell, but he will still be alive and well, he will sleep by exhaustion but you will not hurt him in any way. The dummy is the least expensive solution, but not the best. Hand hold. You will get loads of good advice here.

I really feel for you. I got to this point with my first dc. Just really angry and distressed from being woken every 20-40 minutes. I was completely exhausted. I sleep trained her and it was the best thing I could have done. Only took a couple of nights and suddenly I was back to my old self. We were both sleeping and I was able to fully engage in the day again.

DC2 and DC3 would not be here now if I’d allowed that situation to continue. I had started to convince myself that I just want cut out for parenthood but that isn’t true. I was just beyond exhausted and so are you.

* he has had the same bedtime routine since being born, dinner, bath bottle story bed.
he sleeps with white noise and a baby projector light on.
bottle fed but was breast fed until 6 months ago so it’s not that he’s missing that

he has one nap a day, I follow wake windows, he has no problem going to sleep, it’s staying asleep, and he’s definitely tired even when he’s screaming because as soon as I pick him out of his cot he’s asleep in my arms, but if I lay him back down he starts kicking off

I had one like this - she could only get to sleep being rocked in my arms. In the end, my HV recommended this technique:

www.whattoexpect.com/first-year/sleep/pick-up-put-down-method-sleep-training/

Took 2 nights and then she was only waking once or twice a night max. Saved my sanity and probably our marriage.

How long has the screaming been going on for? We night weaned at 10 months and DS went from being a dreadful sleeper to mostly sleeping though. We then had a truly awful 6 or so weeks at about 12.5 or 13 months where he woke 4 plus times a night full on screaming. He too was instantly asleep as soon as I picked him up and rocked him. It was hell. It suddenly stopped at about 14 months and he went back to sleeping though. My frantic googling implied it was quite common around 1 year old and is yet another regression. You could ride the screaming out and when you are back to baseline, try some form of sleep training?

Oh OP, sending sympathy. I’ve been there, I used to get so cross when mine didn’t sleep. I once threw my phone across the room and shattered the screen after checking the time to see how little sleep I’d had…

as per PP, it sounds like sleep training could help if you fancied trying it?

At 13 months I was still very much in the trenches of zero sleep, but to give you some hope - at 15 months, mine just got it. I didn’t do anything differently, it just seemed like something clicked and they started sleeping from 7pm to 8am.

How quick do you go to him when he wakes up?? My daughter was like this - we started to never take her out of the cot when she woke at night - I’d go in like her back down pat her for a bit and then leave and let her cry for periods of 10 mins before going back in and repeat

after 2 nights she was settling herself back to sleep

last night she work at 2am shouting and a bit of crying / walking round the cot I didn’t go in - she lay back down and was asleep in less than 10mins (she’s 18 months now)

Just to say, have a call with your GP about your dose of Mirtazipine - weirdly a lower dose has a greater effect on sleep, you may be better on the original dose. There are also alternatives such as Amitryptiline, Propranolol which tackle the symptoms of anxiety and help with sleep. Sympathy from a fellow anxiety sufferer - adding a baby into the mix is so hard.

Mine was like this and I was pretty nuts and people all had "helpful" advice that really didn't apply to a child waking screaming so often.

For us it turned out to be sleep apnea - just mentioning it as I assumed I was "doing it all wrong" and actually the "sleep training' suggested wouldn't have helped. She was waking terrified each time hence screaming. They took tonsils and adenoids out when she was 3 and slept through .....

It is truly exhausting. Looking back now I realise most other muns didn't get it. Or thought they knew because theirs woke for a few weeks or woke once or twice a night.

I am v groggy on mirtazapine so couldn't have taken that on my own with a baby (do now.)

It's really a form of torture and it really isn't you.

Do anything you can to get some sleep. Of someone else can babysit sleep away from home. Nap in the day if you can. Take every help you can (I wish I could have afforded help it would have made so much difference)as you are literally running on empty.

Don't compare yourself to mums of babies who sleep through
Their world is different.

No advice but solidarity - I have one like this!! He is 1 next week and exactly the same at night, seems to wake himself up shuffling about then cries. As soon as I pick him up he's asleep, repeat x100000.

I'm back to work next week also and don't know how I'll cope! However I do think (hope?!) it's a phase that will pass soon. That doesn't help you of course.

Something I'm going to try when I go back to work is going to bed earlier. He seems to have his most restful sleep at the start of the night so I'm thinking I'll join him.

Have you spoken to anyone apart from your GP about how you're feeling?

I know it's so so difficult but if you feel at risk of hurting your baby you need to get some help from somewhere. Do you feel like this could happen?

Do you rock him/hold him at bedtime til he sleeps? If so, he won't fall asleep without that when he wakes in the night

You need to get him into the routine of going to bed awake and learning to fall asleep alone.

This is interesting, did your daughter have any other symptoms? I have already raised a concern about my little boy to my GP because of his poor sleep and he sleeps with his mouth open. He was referred to the paediatrician who seemed to think he was fine. My little boy is doing the same thing as OPs.

With my second, I started putting him in a cot in his own room earlier and just ignoring (or unintentionally) sleeping through the crying a lot more. This was because I had ptsd from constantly waking up with my first. Lack of sleep can really break a person. Perhaps time to leave them a bit longer in the night and put in a separate cot. They need to learn the difference between night and day. Also you would never forgive yourself if you did something out of frustration and exhaustion in the night. Time to get them in a cot in an adjacent room and leave them to cry a bit once you know they are fed and safe etc.

Attachment parenting can break you after a while.

Mine was like this. Fast asleep at 8, awake at 10, refused to go back in cot. It was awful and co sleeping was no sleeping for me. We sleep trained at 17 months and since then life has been good again.

@Menwithvenn as she got older she slept with mouth open and snored like an old man. Proper old. At preschool (so 2.5/3ish) she dribbled so would still wear a dribble bib.

No one was really interested until they hit 3. She had tonsillitis a few times but not enough times to warrant investigation. They then did a sleep study (at home attached to toe) and then it changed completely and they were keen to get them out as it showed she was repeatedly stopping breathing (hence waking screaming.)

There weren't obvious signals . When she was 2 and still doing it I was crippled by it and really wouldn't have been able to go back to work. I was hallucinating the ground was moving at one point. It had gone on for so long!

Just as another thing to consider though and genuinely I'm so pleased I didn't pursue sleep training too much.

Mitrapazine is well known for acting like a sleeping pill as well as treating anxiety etc. I’d ask for sertraline instead. Good luck huni. Nothing worse than not getting enough sleep x

Hi OP. My baby was like this, although for me it was hourly wakings not every twenty mins. Fair warning I can’t help. But I wanted to say that it isn’t you, and that all the sleep training in the world fails with some babies. I tried everything and expect you have done too.

When mine hit age 2 he started sleeping a bit longer, and when he was age 3 he went through the night 😱 I hadn’t done anything different, he just needed time to develop.

Ask the GP / health visitor if there is a sleep clinic who can help but if not, it sounds like you are doing everything you can do. When you feel the rage coming (and it comes to everyone in this situation!) just put the screaming baby back in the cot, remind yourself that he may not be happy but he is safe, and take yourself into a different room to feel calmer. Treat it like a disability. Some things can’t be fixed, only endured.

It will end. In the meantime I’m so sorry 🙈