18 months of constant wakeups

[MotherOfBabies]

My 18 month old baby has woke multiple times since birth. I am feeling so exhausted. It’s getting to be chronic exhaustion now. He has never, not once, slept through the night. He has never been put down to sleep by anyone else and I’ve never been out for longer than two hours as a result. My husband sleeps separately and I feel so desperate for a change now and so sad and exhausted.

He had a difficult start to life in ICU, and my start to motherhood was also really difficult and I wasn’t able to get any sleep. They made me wake him every few hours to feed then pump then hold him upright for half an hour after each feed day and night. With checks and injections in between. So neither of us got to sleep. I feel this rocky start set things off on a difficult course.

In order to get some sleep we began co-sleeping at a few months old and we still do this. Breast feeding was, and still is (at 18 months old), the only thing that would get him to go to sleep, and back off to sleep. It feels like either a magic power, or maybe the problem at times.

He won’t let anyone else settle him at night without being distraught to the point he is gasping for breath. I’ve never had a night away, or a full sleep. A good night is four wakeups. The boob does settle him very quickly.

What I do:

• he has a really relaxing bedtime: warm bath, soothing story, rain app on, very dark room, perfect temperature, red light if a light is needed, he has a comforter cuddle with me and daddy and feeds to sleep in 30 mins. So he gets off to sleep easily with this.
• he then wakes once or twice before midnight and I feed him to sleep (this is a huge win as he used to wake every hour)
• He then wakes four or more times after midnight and feeds back to sleep. before waking 6 am
• his dad takes him downstairs then so I can have a rest Before 7 when he must drive to work
• he has one nap in the day, and must be rocked to sleep in a pram or on the boob for this to happen
• he’s a very happy boy during the day

What I’ve tried:

• I’ve tried (and continue to try) offering water upon waking, he refuses and gets really upset.
• I’ve tried putting him in a cot, he wakes way more, won’t go down, and it’s harder for me.
• We’ve intergrated his Dad into the bedtime feed, he strokes his back, in the hope that one day I can let his dad take over. But without the boob, he gets hysterical

• I no longer check my watch and I don’t count wakings as it just upsets me
• My husband works long hours and drives early and drives home late so he can’t really do too much more than he already does
• I have tried saying no boob mummy is sleeping and he just gets so upset so I give it to him to get some sleep
• he gets lots of fresh air and is very active
• he has a balanced diet and vitamins
• he has a banana or snack before his bath
• I’ve read all of the gentle sleep books and tried everything in there

I don’t know what to do. A lot of people have said he will magically sleep through at age 2, but they said that at 9 months, age 1, 18 months and so on.

I always tell myself: this is a short period in his life and I’m being responsive and it’s natural. But It’s no longer helping.

I’d always wanted a gaggle of children, similar ages. But with exhaustion and sleep this way, that’s just not going to be possible and that makes me sad.

I love being a Mum, he’s amazing. He brings me so much joy. I’m just exhausted and feel so alone with the sleep issues.

I don’t mind cosleeping and enjoy breastfeeding. I just want to have a full nights sleep now. And it would be great for my husband or mum to be able occasionally put him to bed.

Should I hire a sleep consultant? Should I work on dad settling him to sleep to begin with? Or the cot? Or weaning? I don’t know where to start.

send help :(

This could probably be sorted by nightweaning, own room / cot and controlled crying within a week but you have to be psychologically ready to make this significant change and there will be crying because you're not offering what he's use to. You cannot expect things to change unless you change them. Breastfeeding to sleep doesn't sound like it's working for you anymore. It's so hard because when they're screaming in the middle of the night it's such an easy thing to do to pacify them but it's only a short term solution.
You've tried the gentle approaches it seems, I guess you just have to ask yourself if you're ready to do something like controlled crying.

I would say what pp suggested I would suggest to tbh. CC and nightweaning.

I would take a week off with your partner and crack it out. Sleepless nights but think it would be worth it for your situation.

From what I read the sleep consultant would be there to reassure and make sure naps and bedtime routine is correct and give tips such as shush and pat or cc etc, whichever one suits you and your situation.

I could have written this post a few months ago.
DD always been a bad sleeper. Up and downs but generally used to wake between 4 times a night (on a good night) and 10-15 times on a bad night (more if sick). She was exclusively BF and boob was always the fastest way of making her sleep again, although she did accept DH sometimes when put down at the beginning of the night.
We had our evenings interrupted most days for the first 18-19 months of her life, it’s been hard. What really helped for us was cosleeping, which I understand you are already doing.
I stopped BF when she was 20 months. It was a forced decision (although I was actually already planning to do it sooner or later) as I was really ill for a few days. During those days, DH did all the night wakings as I had no strength in me to be able to look after her. First night she cried quite a lot but he was always holding her and cuddling her (we never ever let her cry alone), second night a bit less, third night she only woke up once. Since then, her sleep improved A LOT. She is now 2yo and sleep through in her own room most nights. If someone told me this would have happened, I wouldn’t have believed it.
I don’t know whether she would have got there had I continued BF her, maybe yes as I guess it gets better with age!?
hang in there, there is light at the end and the worst is behind you.

You have my complete sympathies. My youngest did not sleep, either. Another total boob-monster. At 18m I sleep-trained him using shush-pat. I continued the bed-time routine I had established, but did not feed him to sleep. I put him down sleep, but not asleep. He cried. I shushed and patted for a few seconds, then left the room. I sat on the landing outside ds's room and returned after 10s, shush-pat, returned to the landing. Repeat, repeat, repeat, gradually increasing the interval. Took 3h until he slept the first night.

I was prepared to do the same for night wakings (instead of feeding him to sleep again). To my astonishment he did not wake every hour that night - for the first time in over a year.

I followed this for the next few weeks. The waking and crying took less and less time. I think it took about 2w before ds went down and stayed down without any fuss. It took only a few nights before he stopped waking multiple times.

I never left ds crying for more than a minute. If it got that far I reverted to 10s and built up again. After the first night or so I didn't go in as soon as he whimpered, only if it built up to actual crying.

It was a very difficult 2-3w, but a very worthwhile investment.

OP. So sorry you've had a tough start, that must have really been exhausting and knocked your confidence. You've done so well to get to where you are now.

I wonder, have you seen this?
https://www.drjaygordon.com/blog-detail/sleep-changing-patterns-in-the-family-bed
I think nightweaning would definitely improve your situation. It might not give you perfect sleep all the time but I'm pretty sure you would see the end of regularly waking 6 times a night.

I nightweaned, well partially as I have retained a post 4am feed, ds at 15.5 months using this approach. He didn't wake as much as yours does, but could still wake a lot, sometimes 6 times. He now mostly wakes up once, sometimes sleeps through. We kept the 4am feed as it's preferable to him starting the day earlier which happens if he sleeps through. It is meant for cosleepers but we don't cosleep, ds has his own floor bed. I can't pretend your ds won't get upset, he 100% will, but he will be in your arms. I honestly don't think a child of 18 months being denied milk and having a cuddle instead is going to come to any harm, he will likely be pretty naffed off for few nights though.

I'd tackle the wakes before you worry about how he goes to sleep at bedtime, that's what I did. Then I found he would go to sleep without feeding to sleep a month or so later so DH can also easilly do bedtime now which means I can go out without worrying. I also found after nightweaning that if he wakes before 4am (unusual) he basically goes straight back to sleep as soon as I lie down next to him which was a revelation. He had got to the point where he was trying to have long 40min feeding sessions each time he woke previously.

I'd also recommend Lyndsey Hookway's book for tips on sleep and nightweaning - https://lyndseyhookway.com/product/still-awake/

Or you can wait it it out, he has to sleep eventually right or at least not need support going back to sleep? How many men do you know that still need their mums to get them back to sleep if they wake in the night?

This

im a maternity nurse and there is a big difference in cio (which I never do) and cc and helping child sleep by self as you are at the end of your tether

as you are unhappy how things are and exhausted

either do by yourself or get a sleep trainer in

if in south east I know some good ones

Your dh should be doing more. The nights when he doesn't have work the next day, what happens then?

Have a look at Lyndsey Hookway and Kathry Stagg on insta- lots of good advice about how to maintain BF (if that’s what you would like) but optimise sleep/involve partner in sleep more.
Remember, it’s nothing you or your baby are doing wrong. Babies have different temperaments- some settle easily and others need much more support to sleep. You are doing your best for your baby. Don’t let anyone make you feel that you’ve done it wrong.

I did controlled crying with a previous dc. Never again. Far too distressing for both of us.

With cc, the baby is effectively abandoned. The crying can turn from frustration and anger at t getting what they want or think they need, to fear and distress because their parent has disappeared - and is not returning when the baby gives the distress call.

With sh-p, the baby never goes bettering the frustration and anger. The baby is never abandoned. The parent always returns to keep the baby safe.

That's my opinion having done both ways, not anything I read in a book.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I have a nine month old whose sleep was similar. Breastfed to sleep, co-sleeping, multiple wake ups every night (every 1-2 hours for months). Kept waiting for things to improve on their own but sleep just got worse and worse.

never thought I'd say this but I'd really recommend sleep training - I'm on night 5 of the Taking Cara Babies 'ABCs of sleep' programme and it's worked for me and two other families I know. I now put my son down in his cot, he goes of to sleep within 5-20 mins and has slept through from 7-7 (albeit with a dream feed) 3/5 nights. There is crying involved at the start, which obviously feels horrible, but I am gob smacked at how quickly things have completely changed and improved for the whole family (I have only tackled night sleep, haven't changed naps in the day - he's still fed to sleep and naps on me).

I hated the idea of sleep training but it's worked and my son is the same awesome & happy baby. Worth a try - I think you deserve a change for the better. X

Thanks for your replies everyone. My biggest worry is that I night wean and it doesn’t help with the wakeups. Because at the moment it gets him back to sleep. And I am so worried that weaning will be so hard and he might wake up the same amount regardless. Any thoughts on this appreciated x

He feeds at night purely because he does not know any other way to go to sleep. He needs to learn to ffall asleep without help from you. So cutting out the night feeds is necessary, but it is not enough. That's why you have to go through the crying and comforting phase, with the minimum of comforting from you - just enough for him to know he's not been abandoned. He wants to go to sleep. He's tired. He just doesn't know how.

I felt like that too and my experience has been that it has greatly reduced the waking and that he generally goes back to sleep more quickly if he does wake up.

Of course I can't guarantee it but this has been my experience and also the experience of two of my friends. We have all retained a post 4am feed though as for all of us that is preferable to sleeping through and starting the day pre-6am.

I reckon if you cosleep lo will likely wake, see you're still there and just go back to sleep. Feel free to pm if you need a handhold.

Pat shush and gradual retreat are other ways of sleep training

but agree need to stop feeding at night as that’s how he goes to sleep and doesn’t know any different how to self settle