Do I let her cry it out?

[3ormorecharacters]

DD is 20 months and goes to sleep really well - nice little bed time routine, put her down awake and she lets me leave no problem. Chatters to herself / toys for a bit then goes to sleep.

However, if she wakes after that (not often, goes in phases but maybe once or twice a week on average) then it's a different story. She stops crying as soon as I go in the room but then won't let me leave. She just lies quietly, occasionally babbling a few words, but gets no interaction from me. I just sit or lie quietly. It can take literally hours for her to go to sleep like this, and if I dare try and leave before she's deeply asleep she gets very distressed.

Weirdly if my DH goes in, she usually goes to sleep much more quickly, or lets him leave her to settle herself. Unfortunately he's not always around in the evenings for various reasons. He does exactly the same as me though, so not sure what the difference is.

I'd be happy enough just to ride it out but we have DC2 due in a few months and I imagine this arrangement won't always be possible then. DD will have enough upheaval on her plate without being suddenly left to cry when she wakes, and I don't want her blaming it on the baby so want to get it sorted now.

It feels like the only option is to let her cry it out. It feels like such a breech of trust though, not sure I can bring myself to do it. Are there any alternatives or is it just one of those things you have to do for their own good at some point?

I wouldn’t say it’s the only option just yet - it sounds like you’re doing quite well with her sleep, in that she can settle herself at the start of the night and you are careful not to make things too stimulating during night wakings.

Have you tried leaving her for a very short time and then increasing it? 20 seconds, then when she gets used to that, increase it to a minute, and so on. Act like you’re going to get something from another room. Invent other excuses to leave and come back. Bit of a pain in the middle of the night but she should get used to the idea that you aren’t far away and will be back soon. Or you could try the disappearing chair method, which is similar.

When I went in I’d sit on the floor with no interaction, then I’d very slowly inch my way out of the room. Eventually I could do it quicker.

Are you able to leave without her getting upset if you promise to go back? One thing I used to do with DD when she was like this was say something like "I just need to go downstairs/to my bedroom and get something, I'll be right back ok?" And I'd leave the door open and landing light on and I'd go to my room, or downstairs, and come back a minute later. Then I'd sit with her a few minutes and then invent another reason to go downstairs, again leaving the door open, and I'd wait a bit longer, but I'd always go back. Often she'd fall asleep during one of my trips downstairs, and I think it helped her understand that I would come back, I was only downstairs, she wasn't alone etc.

Some good ideas, thanks! I've tried a few things similar to those mentioned above but probably nothing consistently or methodically enough.

If I try and move further away before she's asleep then she's like a little meerkat looking for me right away! I always feel like it sets her back as it puts her on high alert.

I've tried leaving her for intervals but she just seems to get increasingly distressed each time. Maybe doing more structured times for the intervals would help. I've never thought of telling her I'll be back in a certain amount of time, I think I've just assumed that her understanding of concepts like that isn't there yet. Although her comprehension is very good so maybe I'm underestimating her. Maybe some practice in the daytime of telling her I'm going to another room and will be back in a minute would help?

When I did it with my DD, I didn't think she understood the times I was saying (and really, it bore no relation to the amount of time I actually stayed away), I'd just say "I'll be back in one minute!" fairly cheerfully. And if she was upset, I'd go back more quickly, if she was quiet, I'd wait a couple of minutes. The first few times I did it, I stayed almost within sight - she can see the bathroom door from her bed, and I'd say something like "oh I just need to brush my teeth/wash my hands/go for a wee, I'll be back in a minute" and then I'd leave the door open. So it was really like I hadn't even actually left her. Then I moved to saying I needed to do something in my bedroom, which is next to hers but not visible, then I moved to something downstairs.

For our DC, going in always made it worse.

Well I obviously cursed it b cause tonight she wouldn't go down at the start of the night, which is unusual for her. I tried telling her cheerily that I was popping out and would be back in a minute, she screamed the moment I left until I went back in. I tried a couple more times to give her the idea, with the same result. Is it worth persisting with that?

Re intervals, how does it work - so if she cries when I leave her for 20 secs do I still leave her for longer next time? Or leave her for another 20 secs? Or 10? Or just not bother again as it's just winding her up?

Re not going in, I try whenever possible not to go in of it sounds like a tired or 'not serious' cry, but if it's proper crying there doesn't seem to be much choice, plus I would want to check she's not in some kind of difficulty. I have tried shushing her from the door without going in but that seems to infuriate her more.

It's so hard! Especially as my presence actually seems to keep her awake so it feels completely counterproductive being in there. It took about two hours tonight... Not actually the worst it's been!

I think don’t increase the intervals until she’s gotten used to the current interval. Wait for her to calm down fully before popping out again. You structure the time intervals in your head, but you don’t need to say them out loud, keep it as casual as you can. You just say/do whatever you’d normally say/do when you have to briefly leave the room in the daytime.

You may have a point about it just winding her up. It can take loads of tries until she understands, so if you’re going to do it, you need to stick with it. Cry it out is the same but with more intense crying and longer periods, so it’s harder to stick to in my opinion. If these methods aren’t right for you, look at disappearing chair or what KangarooKenny said. Sounds to me like it might work better for your particular circumstances.

When you’re staying in her room during the night, are you comfortable? Are you able to sleep in there yourself?

Thanks! I'll stick with the short intervals for a while and see if she gets used to the idea of me leaving and coming back.

I've tried gradually retreating but it doesn't seem to matter to her where I am in the room, it's me leaving that's always the trigger. She's happy for me to sit right by the door but screams as soon as I go through it!

I have slept on the floor in there on occasion, as has DH. I'm a bit too pregnant for that now so sit in the rocking chair. It's not too uncomfortable and I can get some sleep there. I'm just aware that it might not be possible once DC2 is here in a couple of months!

Bless her; sounds like if you try the disappearing chair method you’ll have to start with the chair by the door and move it an inch further through the doorway every day.

But see how you get on with the popping in and out method first.

When you try the going back in intervals don't expect it to work the first night, after 3 nights of it it should work.

I did 1 min, 2 min, 4 min, 6 min and then they slept. But I always made sure they had stopped crying once I left them each time. I didn't talk or make eye contact though. It worked after 2 or 3 nights. It was very stressful but totally worth it.

You have to really commit to it. Good luck.