Newborn won’t sleep, PND spiralling

[yogpot]

My baby is nearly 3 weeks old. We had a very difficult birth ending in emergency c section which I was devastated by, on top of this I struggled with the preceding labour (26 hours back to back!) so my mental health is not in the best place.

Now my gorgeous son just will. Not. Sleep. He will be awake for up to six hours during the day. Nothing will send him off for more than ten minutes. Not boob, not bottle (my partner is so worried about my mental health he’s encouraging bottle feeds so I can sleep), nothing. I’ve just managed to send him off on my chest now after hours of sshing, rocking, breast and bottles.

Is this normal? Am I doing something terribly wrong and harming him? We don’t have a schedule for him as he’s so tiny, I feed when he seems hungry, he sleeps when he’s tired and this was working fine up til the last few days. He’s been so tired he’s hysterical and I’m in pieces worrying it’s making him unwell. My mental health is unravelling - I’m anxious, unable to sleep myself, no appetite, bawling my eyes out constantly and convinced he’d be better off without such a shit mum.

Google the fourth trimester. If it helps think of it like this- he was warm, curled up, dark and quiet in your womb and he’s been hurtled into this bright colder and louder environment. And he has no circadian rhythm. Because almost all babies sleep in the womb when you are up and about. So your baby is doing everything he is supposed to be. And this feeling of ‘will he ever sleep again’ is UTTERLY normal. UTTERLY.

In the first six weeks I am a proponent of doing anything to get sleep. If he sleeps on you, so be it. Once he is a bit bigger and a little more ‘human’, the first thing to eliminate is that there is no constant discomfort. Some kids will be a bit windy and refluxy. After that, my top tip is that instead of making your baby follow a routine, write down what HIS routine is over 10 days or so and then nudge him on to that.
But every day try and block out 3 things you do roughly at the same time. Say lunch at 1ish and if he yells for 10 mins then so be it. Or say a walk from 3-5.
My routine advice is based on the fact that each baby is slightly different. I had one baby who needed a short nap between 90 mins of waking up and then had a long afternoon nap. I then had another baby who once he was awake was full of beans and didn’t need a nap till 11:30 then he had a long nap and then a very short late afternoon one.

Still the same btw. One is 10 and is super grumpy in the morning and I always think he could do with more sleep. And one is younger and wakes up raring to go!

But I remember wanting to put both my babies on eBay around the 3 week mark!

Also someone once told me that babies don’t know that when they are tired going to sleep will make them feel better. Thinking of it that way made it easier to think of a bedtime routine. We started one around 3 weeks- just a rough one- after 6:30 ish, post a feed, a warm bath, a book (same book every night to begin with), fresh clothes, and then in a dark-ish room till 6:30/7 am. It helped set his body clock even if he woke up repeatedly to feed, he would go back to sleep.
The idea was to make bedtime and sleep a pleasurable end of the day.
It will feel like a long slog but through the toddler years etc both of mine would whine about bedtime but once we started the routine they loved it. They knew (we are both working parents), it was when they got our full attention. I know this all feels like a long way away and at 3 weeks it’s hour by hour but it helped me to think of the long haul and that while day to day I was miserable I could feel I was plugging away at something more long term.

Try a dummy and keeping him upright instead of laying down. This really is normal he is very young he may have a touch of colic mine were always worse in the evenings. Try not to let it get to you it's nothing you are doing wrong babies just scream sometimes a lot but he will not remember this ans it will not harm him in any way. My mother in law used to say oh that's good his getting a nice lot of air into his lungs ! That helped me a bit in thinking it could be a positive sometimes ! It will get better I promise.

The first three months with mine went by in a blur. Do whatever gets you through and do try a dummy especially if he is having bottles. The PTSD may pass, mine did, otherwise speak to your hv for some help. You are not doing anything wrong, it really is a very difficult time, just get as much sleep as you can, it will pass.

I would try a dummy to settle him initially, ignore HV/Midwife. I've found a lot of their advice conflicting and unhelpful.

Has he been checked for tongue tie? weighed to see if he's feeding well? Generally babies that are full at this age should fall asleep...so there must be something keeping him from settling.

Also could try swaddling? white noise? sling to carry him in, mine falls asleep within 5 mins of being put in the fabric sling.

Just a comment to say you’re doing so well, it’s very hard and you’re doing all the right things.

Sounds normal but thay doesn't mean its enjoyable :(

All 4 of mine ended up with a dummy for my sanity x

I'm sorry you're struggling OP.
Apart from PP advice re checking for CMPA & (silent) reflux; you mention his latch is shallow. Has he been checked for tongue tie?

Really shocked at the advice RE dummies- it's actually a good way to prevent SIDS! My DD never took one but there were times I really wish she did.

Do you have a fabric sling? They're lifesavers

Sending love. Newborns are hard!

You are doing so well. I remember those early weeks with both of mine and how hard they were... I know it's hard but try not to worry if baby is not getting much sleep during the day. My niece is 9 months old now but has always hated daytime naps! The best thing you can do is milk and cuddles at this stage. It will get easier, I promise.

Dummy was an absolute life saver for me. First baby I held off for 3months, second a couple of weeks and third I took it to hospital! They all breastfed without issue. Without the dummy they just wanted to comfort suck on me and I was absolutely exhausted.

its sometimes tricky to get them to take it at first as they have to learn how to suck it and keep it in their mouths but persevere!

We went through a period of only sleeping 45 mins at a time. I went probably a little bonkers and ended up playing white noise all night (£39.99 on apple store that I've never begrudged because it played, without adverts or breaks, ALL NIGHT), I also learned to swaddle properly (game changer) and Ewan the dream sheep cast a red light across the room for months.
DH complained it was like sleeping in a space ship, only to be told to eff off to the spare room if he didn't like it.
Not sure if it worked or DS grew out of it but he's a pretty decent little sleeper now. So yeas, normal but hellish, good luck!

If you have an iPhone, there is white noise pre-installed on the phone (at least on the newer ones). I've found it really handy with my baby. With regards sto dummies, I was the same as you, I didn't want to use them and was really worried about dropping them. I ended up using them from around 4 weeks when sleep got horrendous and they massively helped. I was lucky I suppose that my DD would lose it in her sleep and it didn't bother her so if it fell out she didn't mind. I know that this isn't always the case. The day she got teeth we took the dummies away and it definitely made it harder to get her to sleep but by that point she was much older and better at falling asleep and because she didn't need them to stay asleep it worked out fine. Dummies definitely have their place as sucking soothes babies and my HV advised giving one during vaccinations etc as it lessens pain because it calms them so much. Basically don't dismiss dummies, white noise is great and get to g rid of dummies can be totally fine :-). You've got this! It's the hardest thing you will do but it doesn't last forever. It feels like it does when you are in the middle of it though. I also had an emergency c section and I found it took me a few months to wrap my head around everything that had happened and to start to feel ok about it. It takes time to heal physically and mentally, it's a big thing to go through. It's easy to say to cut yourself some slack and it'll all be fine and it's not easy to hear when you are in the midst of those newborn months but I promise it does get easier.

I would have lost my mind if mine hadn't had a dummy! When they got to 2yo, they gave them up no problem. Not all dc are a nightmare with weaning off the dummy.

@yogpot aww you have a newborn so sweet...but the sleepless nights urghhh I understand you, you know I have been having sleepless nights for months

Lack of sleep is truly awful and can make you feel utterly horrendous and mentally unwell.
Things we've done when baby has been particularly difficult which has helped ...

Bath - I know you can't do this all the time but a bath really calms our baby and makes her sleep better.

Winding - we wind a lot because sometimes she's crying or screaming for some reason - then she does a massive burp or a poo and she's instantly calmer. We also wind during the feed sometimes - stopping feeding every 30 seconds to do a quick rub and tap on the back.

A white noise machine - from Amazon. Leave it on all night in the crib. We have one we just charge so no battery needed.

A sling so she's on us. She sleeps much better when she's on us so a sling can help.

A Ewan The Sheep. Think this was from Amazon. Mimics being in the womb.

I also express milk to put in a bottle to give baby a bigger feed and this really helps.
Also partner can feed from bottle then so I can have a sleep. And when she's had a bit more it does send her to sleep for a bit.

Is baby pooing ok? Ours wasn't for some time meaning she was crying loads, couldn't sleep etc so we were advised Infacol which helped.

I'm sorry it's so difficult (and for the difficult birth experience). I really hope things are better for you soon. X

It’s really hard I know OP.

My DS2 was a terrible sleeper and a miserable baby, for the first 7mths or so, but he improved a lot after that.

Sounds like you & DH are working well as a team, exactly what DH & I did, I went to bed early, DH stayed up late, when DH came to bed, I got up when baby woke up. It is overwhelming but it will get easier and this stage won’t last forever, but I know that feeling.

Handhold you are doing everything right, if you have a family member or friend that can help and give you a break, accept their offer. My late MIL was an awesome GP to my two, helped us so much.

Hey OP. Not sure if you're still reading. I hope you're ok.

I wanted to pop on the thread and add to the chorus of saying you're doing everything well and it is in the box of normal of newborn life. I loved my little babies. The physical pain that comes from sleep deprivation is horrendous. Your post brought that back! I promise it does they do eventually sleep all night!

But re the PND. It's very likely it's not that but PTSD. I'm not diagnosing (can't do that), just raising it. You had a traumatic birth experience which also brought back an previous serious experience. There is a very good reason why you're feeling shit (on top of sleep deprivation). As a matter of urgency, please see your GP and tell them you think you have PTSD due to birth plus previous experience (if you don't want to say sexual assault). Hopefully you'll not be put on a waiting list but if you are, better to be on it as early as possible. It's important to refer to trauma rather than depression because there no chance this is baby blues etc.

To sleep I have found that listening to the radio at a volume level just enough to hear but not enough to be fully listening can distract my thoughts enough to get to sleep. Crying is important, (as is screaming!), but sleeping is more important. Anything at all (other than substances!) that can assist some sleep, should be prioritized. You're not just "a tired mum".there's more to it.

Wishing you the best.

I just wanted to say thank you for all the responses - I don’t have any notifications set up so I didn’t know there were so many. They’ve made me tear up a little. Small kindnesses from strangers online aren’t so small it seems!

His sleeping has improved hugely thanks to many of these tips - white noise helps, we do have an Ewan I got as a gift from colleagues that seems to keep him down at night, and more actively trying to help him sleep means at night he’s a dream (I’m awake now but all is peaceful, just fed him to sleep and waiting for him to go into deep sleep to sling him into his crib and I have been asleep 9pm - 2am with minimal interruption thanks to partner doing a 10:30pm bottle).

He still has the wailies afternoon/evening and struggles to feed at the breast. We haven’t cracked that one yet but an extra bottle settles him. I’ll call a breastfeeding helpline and try and get him off that bottle as I’m worried about supply drying up if he has two bottles. I struggle to find time to pump.

I appear to be avoidant re going to the GP about my mental health. I’ve been repeatedly referred for CBT in the past for the anxiety/insomnia I have resulting my past assault, and CBT doesn’t help. In fact two practitioners openly said CBT isn’t the best tool for me - it’s not useless but it doesn’t really touch the sides so to speak.

Thanks again for all comments - such kindness.

My daughter is nearly 9 months now and was similar at the start.I remember thinking that people always say babies wake yo feed every couple of hours....and I though I wish!Every 20 min more like.
What helped was when I discovered our crib has a rocking option.
So I placed her down with a dummy and rocked her till she fell asleep( slowly stopping the motion).Then no movement of mine would wake her.Perhaps thy that?