Newborn won’t sleep, PND spiralling

[yogpot]

My baby is nearly 3 weeks old. We had a very difficult birth ending in emergency c section which I was devastated by, on top of this I struggled with the preceding labour (26 hours back to back!) so my mental health is not in the best place.

Now my gorgeous son just will. Not. Sleep. He will be awake for up to six hours during the day. Nothing will send him off for more than ten minutes. Not boob, not bottle (my partner is so worried about my mental health he’s encouraging bottle feeds so I can sleep), nothing. I’ve just managed to send him off on my chest now after hours of sshing, rocking, breast and bottles.

Is this normal? Am I doing something terribly wrong and harming him? We don’t have a schedule for him as he’s so tiny, I feed when he seems hungry, he sleeps when he’s tired and this was working fine up til the last few days. He’s been so tired he’s hysterical and I’m in pieces worrying it’s making him unwell. My mental health is unravelling - I’m anxious, unable to sleep myself, no appetite, bawling my eyes out constantly and convinced he’d be better off without such a shit mum.

Have you tried a dummy? Is he windy?
Does he sleep in the pram or car?

Ohh OP that sounds so hard.
I presume you’ve tried a dummy etc. Do you think there could be something like silent reflux at play here?

Will he not sleep even if being held, or is it just he wakes if put down?

Most babies unfortunately don't just drift of to sleep when tired and don't stay asleep in a cot/basket! Most need a combination of cuddling, sucking and motion to fall and stay asleep at that age, and white noise is often really helpful too. Two of mine would only sleep on my chest, one would only nap in a moving pram for months.

The other newborn sleep issue can be the more tired they are, the less well they sleep. So I would start trying to get him back to sleep no more than an hour latest after waking up. Basically at this point it's feed, change, then whatever combination of dummy/feed/white noise/swaddle/rocking/bouncing gets him back to sleep.

It is normal and you are not doing anything wrong. You are doing amazing! It is SO hard this stage. The sheer exhaustion really kicks in for mum around now and around 3-4 weeks is when babies often seem to wake up a bit and for many babies they tend to get “colicky” from around now up until about the 12 week mark hence the crying with often no apparent reason.
See your midwife or the GP or health visitor re some support for PND if you think this could be the case but I honestly think part of it at this stage is just absolute tiredness and I promise you things do eventually get better. I think your partner has the right idea doing some bottle feeds so you can get some rest. Even if you can’t sleep just do something for you, laze about, watch telly, have a shower or take a little stroll outside for some fresh air sometimes it does the world of good or meet a friend for an hour for a coffee so you can talk to someone in real life.
You can do this. Surround yourself with support as much as you can and say yes to any offer of help and don’t feel guilty about it. Generally everyone genuinely wants to be of help to a new mum.

He is a windy boy, we wind regularly during feeds… maybe not enough? He especially gulps his bottles and his latch on the breast is shallow so I assume he takes in lots of air so we are v conscientious of winding him. He has slept in pram and car in the past but last few days he’s been upset in the car also :(

We’ve not tried a dummy, midwife and HV both said to hold off on dummies for a few weeks - although we are bottle feeding now rather than exclusively breast and that may have been the motivation for that advice. Do you think a dummy would help? I’m worried about eventually weaning him off but I guess I could file that under ‘deal with this later’!

I'd try a dummy and also winding more frequently (we had to wind dd every 1oz). Could also be silent reflux. Does skin to skin calm him?

Yes definitely try a dummy. They help with both wind and sleep! White noise might also be worth a try?

I would try a dummy, one of mine hated it and just spat it out every time I tried, the other loved it! I’d also try a zipped swaddle wrap. I liked the Love to Dream 50/50 up. I also agree with trying white noise.
Another thing that worked with both of mine was bouncing them in the baby bjorn bouncer, they do a mini one now for newborns. A sling would be worth a try as well.

He will sleep being held, but will wake himself up after a few minutes. He has finally fallen asleep on me twenty minutes ago - partner said to put him down and I said no bloody way he can sleep here as much as he likes!

I think you’re right and I need to be more active in getting him off to sleep. I tried white noise tonight to get him to sleep on my chest and that seems to have helped.

Do you have family who could take him out of the house so you can sleep?
It's one of the only ways 8 managed, if mine were in the house I heard every noise.
I ended up putting mine in a wrap and putting headphones in, so I knew they were close and comforted but I couldn't hear the endless screaming.
I'd also try a dummy.
You're spiralling mentally anything is worth a try.

I used to sing pink elephants on parade and bounce around with dd. I also found white noise a godsend, as well as just accepting that I had to just hold her for now 💜

If he'll sleep on you would you consider co-sleeping? Both mine were (and still are lol) contact nappers. My first I used to try and put her down, my second I went straight with co-sleeping and it meant I was a lot less sleep deprived in the early days. White noise and a stretchy wrap for the day were also a god send. I promise it gets better.
Co-sleeping is also so much easier for BFing when allll they want to do is feed and/or comfort suckle (I write this with my little one asleep on the boob waiting for my chinese which I will try not to drop on his head 😂😂)

Just hearing it’s normal from other, more experienced mums makes me feel so much better 🙂thanks everyone. I will try a dummy, keep using white noise and do the feed/change/sleep merry go round.

I’ll also get help re: my mental health - sadly labour triggered my existing PTSD regarding a sexual assault from many years ago so I’m a bit fragile as it is. A lot of scream sobbing into a pillow when I’m supposed to be napping which obviously isn’t helping me as I’m not being very resilient!

Thanks again for the advice and reassurance. It means more than you probably realise!

A lot of this sounds normal (albeit horrific, especially when you've been through a hard birth). However if he's miserable a lot of his awake time please look into cmpa. I resisted it for months but it was. My daughter is 5 (years) now and still has it. I wish I'd known and acted earlier.
Please get help earlier rather than later in the PND too. Therapy really helped me but I didn't get it til 7 months post partum after a massive crisis

Definitely ask for help now lovely. I let mine spiral and it was 3 years until I finally asked for help. You're right in the thick of it now but it won't always be like this x

You’re doing brilliantly, I promise.

I hope things ease for you soon and the above tips help, but keep in mind silent reflux - my daughter had it and wasn’t diagnosed for a while, the change in her was instant but those first few months where she wouldn’t settle and sleep nearly destroyed me.

This too shall pass, but while you’re in it take care of yourself too x

Full disclosure, I am still pregnant so this comes from advice I have been given, not what I have experienced.

DSis and her daughter spent a while in hospital, and the nurses advised change, feed, sleep - I think the theory being that when the baby is full of milk and snuggly, changing them disrupts the sleepiness and the warm, cosy feeling they’ve got. Good luck!

You're not doing anything wrong! My DC3 was a 'bad' sleeper though she did eventually start sleeping okay in bed with me! Looking back I think she had reflux.

Have you got a sling/baby carrier? DC4 is a couple of months old and it's amazing. Good thing is your DH can be involved with it too, taking baby out on his own etc.

Sorry for your past trauma. There's no shame in seeking therapy or going onto medication. I had a lovely therapist on the NHS.

Sounds normal (sadly!). We had a poor sleeper who needed rocking, white noise, the works for every nap from practically when he was born. Naps never lasted long.
He's always been a rubbish sleeper and only slept through at 2! Hopefully your boy learns a little quicker.

Op have you been to see your GP and told them about your mental health? Please do, take your DH as your advocate.
i can’t emphasize how important that is.
to put it into perspective I had PND after both my babies were born. The second time my DS only got less than a week of milk as I went on anti depressants and didn’t want to risk them going through to him.
he is now a lovey strapping and healthy 15 yo. You matter too lovely. As long as you baby is fed ultimately that is what matters.

You're doing brilliantly. My LO was a poor sleeper for a while. We bought a rocket which attaches to buggy etc. It helped a bit.

If he's not had any issues up until recently it could be that he is going through a developmental leap. I'm using the Wonder Weeks app and have found it very useful for explaining changes in behaviours and routines.

I agree with considering silent reflux or CMPA. It was around this age that the specialist feeding health visitor realised my youngest had CMPA.

kingstonhospital.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/A0112-Babies-with-reflux-V1.pdf

This is worth a read. Some babies still gain weight well though because they want to feed a lot to sooth their sore throat. Not all babies will have all the symptoms.

Have you also considered taking him to see a cranial osteopath. I also had a difficult birth and a baby who was so unsettled it has put me off having a second one! However the osteopath was able to treat DS and there was a huge improvement in his sleep and overall demeanour. We started at 4 weeks.